Sunday, August 07, 2011
Yesterday, I took a road trip to my niece, Chloe's, 3rd birthday party that was held at a beautiful cottage on a lake owned by my sister-in-law's family. My brother and his family have been living in London, so I rarely get the opportunity to see them. My niece and I adore each other & spend hours playing whenever we get the opportunity. As soon we got to the lake, off went my niece's clothes and she ran straight into the lake. She was such an adorable sight to see & soon was pleading for me to get into the water to play with her. I waded in a bit & mentally wrestled with putting on the suit that I brought with me (a ridiculous water aerobics contraption). If it was just my immediate family, the weight issue would never have stopped me from spending the entire day in the water. Today, there were scores of my sister-in-law's relatives (most of the women hovering around a size 2 or 4 at the max). You should have heard the mental berating going on in my mind: "Get over it, who cares what they think. They probably don't even notice you." "It's your own fault that you keep getting bigger - don't let Chloe suffer for your weakness." and those are the censored quotes!
It was such a hot day & I am a total water bug, yet I let my weight and self-consciousness get the better of me again. And then, of course, there were the pictures. My sister-in-law's sister was snapping them all day long and all I could think was "Oh God, I hope she it doesn't tag me in them on Facebook!" A beautiful day & I sat there stuck in ego mode because I've been letting this one hundred forty pound weight monster rule my life. It's strange to realize that I spend so much more time & energy thinking about my appearance now, than when I was a healthy weight. Kind of ironic. I guess where I've gone wrong is in the "thinking" instead of the "doing".