Saturday, August 06, 2011
I don't care if this sounds weird. I wrote this down in a word file as some kind of "diary" to write down what I feel and to make it easier to think about everything. Hence the writing style. It's a long read.
Friday, 5th of August
Most people on the interwebs don't know.
I have been a strong smoker since the age of 14. I'm 23 now and it's getting close to my 24th birthday, leaving me with almost 10 years of constant smoking. I never stopped, I even smoked when I was ill, when my lungs were burning and my throat was feeling like it was about to explode. I still smoked. I run, I have been riding for years, I have been swimming, I bike, I do Jillian Michaels workouts. All with smoking. Over 30 cigarettes a day. And not the light ones, of course. I love my cigarettes. I love the feeling they give me and I enjoy the smell of tobacco (mind you, not burnt tobacco or such. Just the tobacco that you can buy to build your own cigarettes out of them). I know a lot of people who smoke occasionally, who say they aren't addicted and such. I never believed that. I knew and I know that I am addicted. That they hold power over me.
Yesterday evening, the BF went home to sleep there instead of here. He was feeling so bad. When he is at home, he usually smokes about 3-4 cigarettes a day because he doesn't smoke in his room. In my flat, you can smoke. Meaning not only that he smokes about 15 cigarettes a day when he is here, but the smoke is everywhere. I actually don't even smell it anymore. But I can see it, I can see how yellow my walls get, how yellow my white cupboards are and how yellow everything is when I clean it. I have to clean alot. Everything gets dirty and sticky so fast. I don't notice it, but the smoke has to be everywhere. Well, to continue, he smoked here and as you might know, a side effect of too much nicotine is sweating, headache, tummy ache and such. So he went home, hoping to feel better there. He apologized a lot, but I was feeling so bad. He was feeling bad because I do what I did for almost 10 years now. I live in this flat since 2008 and ever since I have smoked inside of here. You can imagine it, right? Well, he says he doesn't bother he is a smoker himself -, but that he is not used to being able to smoke all the time. Being allowed to. He left around 10:30 PM yesterday. At 11:00 PM, I was out for a run. The thoughts went around and around in my head.
It's noon now, at the next day. I haven't touched a cigarette since yesterday evening, 10:30 PM.
And this is why I write this, I wanna write down how I feel, so that I know it's just the nicotine being missed by my body, that it's my addiction making me feel this way. This is day 1 and I'm a non-smoker in training.
I got up at 8 AM and i put one of these patches on my left arm. The little note in the box said that I'm not allowed to sweat too much or take a shower with this on because the nicotine release could be uncontrollable then. Though, you can take it off some times and just put it back on.
10 AM - I was ready to smoke a whole package or if not available kill somebody. I already drank 2 huge cups of green tea and have a nonstop sugar free chewing gum rotation, meaning: tea gum tea gum, etc. I still can't understand why people say they think this feeling is hunger and when they don't smoke, they eat more. It doesn't feel like hunger at all. In addition, my tummy feels like I've gotten seriously ill and my metabolism is somewhat screwed up I guess. I have a weird taste in my mouth and a headache like hell. I sweat. It's only the nicotine, I'm actually ashamed that I seem to be that addicted.
12:30 PM next tea. Doing stressful things and not smoking is like horror. My stomach feels like there is some black hole in there and I still got that damn headache. I feel dizzy. Put the ashtray and the tobacco aside. Not sure if I chose the right intensity of those patches. They didn't have "strong" ones anymore so I went with "medium". Seems not to be enough. But I now officially made it to over 12 hours without a cigarette. I would still like to kill somebody. The weirdest thing I encounter is that my eyes hurt. Since when does this affect your eyes, seriously? I'm feeling like my body fools me. It's just the addiction talking out of me, though I wish it wouldn't scream that loud.
2 PM I smoke the most when I play computer games. I smoke like, ye, almost nonstop then. I just played a bit League of Legends and the desire to have a smoke right away when I got the teams from hell who were just annoying as hell and stupid as a piece of paper (I apologize for all pieces of paper who feel insulted now). *sigh* Though, desire to kill somebody has changed to the desire to beat somebody up really hard. I take this as an improvement. I am still fascinated by the reactions of my mind and body.
Decided to do something useful since the time goes by sooooo slowly and started some laundry. Discovered that somebody destroyed a part of the machine, wasn't really amused. But it's still working. Gonna vacuum soon and go for a walk/run I guess. Just doing something. I somehow feel miserable. Everything in me is screaming for a smoke. I'm not sure if these nicotine patches do anything at all or are just a very expensive placebo. I would love to do dishes, but I have injured my palm yesterday when I cleaned the bathroom. Got stuck on an edge and thereby removed a nice piece of skin from my palm. Doesn't really hurt that much but is annoying as hell because it's my right hand and I can't really do anything with it. Soap and stuff hurt, I bought some plasters that are supposed to survive a shower but they didn't, ofc. Meh.
3:30 PM Time is running by so slowly. I hang the laundry, I cleaned the ashtray and put it away. I did dishes which is really annoying if you don't want to get your right palm wet. So all I do takes tons of time, too, but still the time is not passing. I vacuumed my whole flat, even the ceiling and up on the cupboards. By then, I decided that is was time to finally eat something. Not doing good with the eating, still not eating enough! But, right now, I have finished my lunch. And I want a cigarette so badly! The smoke after the food, seriously, so good! I'm chewing some peppermint gum right now, doesn't go well with the food, meh. Not sure if I'm gonna make it. Still feeling awful. But I think it's not the nicotine I miss the most as I thought before but the habit. It's just weird not to smoke. There is something missing.
5 PM Survived until now. Feeling like I wanna kill somebody or eat a whole chocolate cake. I made a tea instead. Told BF about the whole thing, he is proud that I'm gonna try and wants to do the same. That kinda gets me into more pressure on succeeding, right? Though, he is a lot less addicted than me.
Noticed something interesting. Went for a run after that 3:30 entry and while I run/walk etc, I don't feel the urge to have a smoke. Took the patch off because the note said not to sweat too much while having it on. Gonna put it back on when I had a shower. Though, maybe leave it off? I thought about getting rid of the need to have that habit of smoking, the habit of reaching for a cigarette every few minutes and then getting rid of the nicotine. We'll see.
7 PM took it off. Feeling better now. Will try to get through this without the patches. Seems like some of the sick feeling was side effects from the patches. Yay.