Thursday, August 04, 2011
I am currently at 174 with my weight which is the lowest I've been in about 4 years so I should be happy right? For some reason I just can't find it in me to be happy about being "less fat" It's the lightest I've been in a long time, I've moved down a pants size, I FEEL smaller but I'm not happy :( I'm still in the obese bmi category I still have a muffin top when I put my jeans on I still have 2 chins. Everytime I find a small victory to be happy about I find another reason to be unhappy. How much weight is it going to take before I feel good about my body? I'm a curvy girl I get that I'll never weigh 110 lbs I've got wide hips and a big chest and it's all compacted into a short 5'1" body I just don't know what I want from myself right now!
Another thing that's eating at me today is that the driving force for me behind losing the weight was to get ready for baby #2. I am just feeling very crabby about the fact that I am doing all this hard work just to get fat again! I know in my head that its for the best that I need to be healthy myself to give my baby the best start I know that being healthy and fit before will make it easier for me to lose the weight again after and I really really really can't wait for that baby but all that knowledge doesn't make me any less crabby right now
And as always I'm critical in my slow pace of losing when I see friends on the site have lost 20 lbs in a few months I get so jealous but I know (because I read lots of blogs lol) that they work hard for it they go to the gym and the push themselves working out and they just all around put more effort in and I know I could have those same results if I would just push myself a little more work out a little harder and even knowing this even craving their results and wanting to lose the weight so bad I don't do the extra work.
Today it seems I am just conflicted and determined to be unhappy *sigh* I suppose we all have these days I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow