Wednesday, August 03, 2011
...I've had a most interesting journey of self discovery the past year. First of all, I am rediscovering my passions - things I love to do, and in that, I am on the road to accessing the dreams I thought were long dead and buried.
Also, after my discoveries of what made me tick, that I was a fully fledged emotional eater, I had to switch off from counting calories and watching what I eat for a while. It has been most rewarding. Not in terms of weight, but so much deeper.
I have discovered that the moment I try and control myself, my subconcious lashes out by protecting itself and triggering cravings. Once I realised that it was only an innate need to care for myself, I allowed myself for a while to eat when I want to, noting when it was emotional, and when it was hunger. Eventually, I became more aware of emotional eating, and was able to redivert my attention to something more soothing to my troubled mind than food. It also had some other positive effects.
Previously, where I felt that food controlled me, and that I'm a total prisoner to its lure, I am now able to buy a party-sized pack of chips, when I feel like it, leave it in the cupboard till I really want it, and then sit down and eat it with total enjoyment... and stop when its not enjoyment anymore. And quite a couple of times I'd leave half or a quarter packet just sitting there.
This, to me, is a huge accomplishment. Its breaking free from one of the most debilitating prisons I ever discovered in my life.
I started allowing myself to actually experience the emotions that caused me to run to food in the first place, and try to either just comfort myself by not bad-mouthing myself, or finding a solution to overcome the feelings of frustration (one of my hardest emotional-eating triggers to overcome). I do feel that I am winning, slowly but surely.
It also helped to make peace with the fact that the wrong mindset took 33 years to program, and that it will not unprogram itself in a mere few months. So I'm comfortable with progressing slowly.
For a moment I threw all restrictions overboard, and tended to my wrong mindset first. I now feel ready to give more attention to healthy eating habits. I am still careful not to overrestrict myself and fall into the same vicious cycle as before, but I try and pay more attention to eating only when hungry, and only untill the hunger stops.
And if I really have a bad emotional day and I feel like endulging in a chocolate, I don't berate myself, I allow myself to have one, without all the negative talk of "there goes the glutton again, or something similar". Somehow the attitude showed, because where my family would usually quip something about "watching my weight" whenever I ask for a second portion, they don't even blink if I ask for a second helping at the family dinner, and don't raise eyebrows when I push a half-eaten pastry aside because I just don't feel like it - I'm not hungry.
I am sorry for being abscent for so long. My life is taking a few turns that I couldn't predict. I cannot promise that I will become active again, and I can't say that I am going to stay away either. I've comitted to improving the quality of life for my family and I. This also includes spending more quality time with my kids, making a concious effort not to yell at them because of the daily frustrations that built up during the day at my place of work, and in fact - I've even decided to start setting up a work-from-home business. My place of work is too taxing, and I need to reserve more of my energy for those that need it - my own family.
They are already benifiting from the change in mind too, because I can see they already feel more secure. I also am much more relaxed concerning eating, and do not yell at my youngest if she wants to have a sandwich after dinner. Sometimes she would ask, sometimes she doesn't even finish her plate. And she is in good health.
It would be awesome to see how some of my sp friends did in the time I was abscent, I will still check up on you as I find the oppertunity.