Tuesday, August 02, 2011
My head hurts today. So does my stomach.
I was overwhelmed yesterday at the thought of Colin coming home to find me moved out. I guess once he got to town and saw all my stuff gone, he jumped in his truck and started to drive around town looking for me.
Finally gave up and texted me. I think he was a little angry at first. Maybe hurt too. But he was able to chat about it. Asked me if I was planning this. Told him no. It just happened. Wished me all the best.
Then I finally asked him if we were going to be okay. He said sure. Invited me out for supper. When I stopped crying, I met him for supper. We talked. He gave me some fans and blankets for the new place.
A few hours later he even offered for me to come by and shower, since the water was shut off at my place all weekend. I wasn't going to take him up on the offer, but then decided it was going to be okay, and it actually was a good idea. Let me clean up before I had to go to work today.
I can't believe it, but he finally said sorry to me. He admit it was his fault I'm gone, and he's sorry. He's NEVER said sorry before. Even let me know if I ever want to come back, I'm welcome. Told me it was likely out of place, but invited me to stay the night.
I told him I had to go. Thank you for the things for the new place. And thank you for letting me use the shower. But I had to go. It still hurt too bad.
He's been in touch this morning too.
The sad part is, he was still trying to hurt me while he was driving home yesterday. The texts I got from him...
I'm not going back. But I feel so sad. Sad. Insecure. Sick. And yes, scared.
I am terrified. I don't want to be lonely. But that's not all. I don't know if I can do this on my own.
I really need to focus on what I do have control over - my running training. Now that he's gone, maybe I can get some done. I just feel so sick today...
The water is still off. I am hoping it gets turned on today, so I can go and clean. I NEED to clean up and settle in. The sooner the better. Once I'm settled, I think I'll feel better. I am even starting to consider getting tv and internet services to the trailer. That way I will be better able to cope with the change.
Oh. I guess I should update on another situation many of you may know about - Kent.
Kent and his room mate Brad were a great help this weekend. Helped me believe in myself. Believe I will be okay. And I won't be alone.
I told Kent on Monday I really needed his support. I was scared sick about all of this. Well, he wasn't there. He ended up in the bar. Got drunk. Was too lost in the bottle to be there for me. And he KNEW I needed support. Heck, I texted him a few times asking him to come. "in a few".
Tonight I need to talk to him. I've heard he's attracted to me. But this is a HUGE problem for me. No more playing games. Tonight he and I are going to talk. I'm going to lay it all out on the table. Tell him where I'm coming from. What I needed, and how it felt to be left on my own like that. His payday is this Friday. I'll be honest with him. I'm attracted to him, but if he goes and gambles/drinks away his paycheque this weekend, there is no chance. No way! I can't do that.
I'll tell him point blank. I can't. We can be friends if he can't deal with it. But I won't get involved with stuff like that.
Anyhow, We'll see how it goes. But I'm not going to let myself fall for another bad one. No way. No how.