Yeah, it's been quite some time...
Monday, August 01, 2011
So sorry to whoever makes the effort to keep up with me. It's been a stressful and emotional few months for me and I fell off my train. I basically burned myself out back in april, not so much physically, but emotionally. I'd been using my workouts and eating plans as a way to avoid what's been going on with my family and it all finally came to a head.
My mom has been a type 2 diabetic for years now, not sure exactly when it started for her but she's been watching her sugar intake ever since I was little. Her problem is that she doesn't seem to have the willpower necessary to keep things up, so more often than not, she had some issue with her blood sugar levels. She also held a desk job for over 30 years, so for the most part her day to day life had been pretty sedentary which obviously isn't much help. In any case, about a year ago she started losing some feeling in her legs, causing her to lose her balance and fall to the ground. Thankfully she never fell so hard that she broke anything, but I remember one day after lunch, I was on my way to work and had literally just left her when I got a call from her because she had fallen in the parking lot after we finished our lunch. She was on her way to her car and was right next to it, but lost her balance and faceplanted in the parking lot. No broken nose or anything thankfully, but she was definitely scraped and bleeding, and it affected me emotionally so much that it hurt my work performance that week. After having run several tests, it turned out she had a good bit of nerve damage in her legs as a result of poor blood sugar maintenance. They say diabetes can eventually lead to amputations and the like, and it NEVER occurred to me that it could ever get that bad for her. She was then told she could no longer drive and was given both a walker and a wheelchair. Ever since, she has used that walker as much as possible, but refuses to ever let herself get to the point of having to use the wheelchair.
All this time, she's been eating plenty of fruits and vegetables, and not much meat. That's not to say my mom is a vegetarian or anything, but she isn't one to go out of her way to eat some sort of meat. Her sugar levels for the most part seem okay from what she tells me, but sometimes it almost seems as if she isn't taking her condition seriously because every time I pick her up to go to the bank or what have you, she always seems to want to go to the bakery or to some fast food joint and whines because she can't have whatever but she wants it sooo bad. I understand her frustration, I really do, but the problem is that she almost begs for pastries or whatever every single time I'm with her. Recently, her fruit and vegetable obsession came back to haunt her, when her doctor informed her she has too much potassium in her system. Many tests and ultrasounds later, it turns out that although she's gotten her potassium levels mostly under control, her kidneys are not functioning as well as they should. With that said, this thursday she and I are set to go see a specialist to discuss dialysis options as well as any future transplant options that may be available. I'm slightly in denial about this process, though I am aware of what's at stake.
I wish I knew what to do here. I would love nothing more than to take over the kitchen at my dad's house where she is now staying (they're divorced yet they act- and fight- like brother and sister, weird I know lol) and clean everything, make the entire room accessible for her, and load the fridge with foods that she can eat and some foods for my dad to eat, seeing as he can eat mostly anything and she isn't able to. I would love to be able to talk to her and point blank tell her that her diabetes is the root cause of everything that is happening, because it is, and ask her to please take her health and her condition more seriously. I would love to be able to pick her up to go to the store or what have you and not hear her whining that she can't eat all these foods, and rather, just hear her say how she's handling her sugar intake. Something more appropriate for the current situation. I've tried to get into that kitchen and do what I've said, only to be met with resistance. It's not a health hazard in terms of food consumption, but because there's so much food in the fridge it does smell funny to me and I refuse to eat anything that is offered. I've tried to ask her in a gentle yet very blunt way if she's taking everything seriously, and she seemed to have listened. For all of a few hours, because she later begged me to bring her a burger, despite what we had discussed.
I'm so emotionally worn out from trying to understand everything that I let myself go, and as of right now I'm right back where I started, at 208 lbs. The boyfriend and I went on vacation last week to Texas City and Galveston to go to Schlitterbahn water park, and I was attacked by the dreaded full length mirror that was in the hotel room. I couldn't recognize myself, and that scared me. I have a double chin that I never really had before, even when I was at this weight at the beginning of the year. That mirror scared me so much that my resolve to get healthy finally returned. As much as it can anyway, considering the awful heat down in my area. Taking it slow, making sure to get exercise in and make that a habit, and portion control like you wouldn't believe. In many ways, I want to grow up to be like my mom, but healthwise, I want to be better than her. That and I want to become a full fledged runner. I just hope this time all the emotions don't cloud my goals and what I'm now working towards.