Sunday, July 31, 2011
My apologies over my extended absence from the blogosphere. It's not YOU, my wonderfully supportive SparkFamily, but it has been ME!
My summer has been off to a lackluster start...my Spark has been waning...but am working really hard to turn this around! My biggie? Food & pounds. Workouts continue to be pretty solid...but you can't work off ongoing bad food choices. I'm getting back to tracking (got WAY off track) and limiting my sugar / grain-based carbs.
While I've stayed dedicated to working out almost every day, I've SO strayed from exercising the same diligence with my food choices and instead of using all that angst toward motivating myself toward HEALTH and QUALITY OF LIFE (thank you for the important thoughts in your blog, 2BMYOWN!) I've done WAY too much self-bashing. Those old, negative pathways are just SO EASY to slip and slide down. It really takes some extra vigilance and effort to take the better, healthier path. THESE are by FAR the most difficult muscles to build and maintain!
But the deeper thing have been the "blahs"...having really hit a wall. It's even taken a toll on my love of cycling. Too many workouts and solo cycling outings have felt like pointless hamster wheel spinning...music on my mp3 player at the fitness center seeming like mindless nattering... It's been too easy to back off on the cycling: "oh, a chance of showers? 90+ degrees?" Last year I wouldn't have thrown in the towel anywhere NEAR so readily as I've been!
It's all wrapped up in the backslide and the pounds, unquestionably. Every hill climb out on my bike reminds me of these extra pounds and there's a part of me bashing myself. Even while receiving a compliment from another bike club member yesterday! He's one of the speedier members and does long distances on a regular basis. He cycled 40 miles before catching up with the club and joining us for OUR miles of riding after which he would be cycling back home his 40 miles!! Anyhow he cycled up beside me while I was churning those pedals around, too hyperfocused on the ground beneath and immediately before me and not paying enough attention to the beautiful summer's day through which we sped at the head of our club ride. Breaking my attention he said: "Don, you're an ANIMAL!" Made me smile, but while I thanked him I had to qualify it as I immediately flashed to thoughts of my pounds and said in self-deprecating humor: "Yeah, talk to me on this next climb we have coming up!"
And this is happening in the middle of SUMMER of all things when I should be BURSTING with joy over the ample opportunities to get out and soak up the great outdoors! I've been busy doing a lot of things, a lot of cycling...even racking up over a THOUSAND miles over the past 4 months. And at the same time while reflecting on that my automatic counter-thought is: yeah but imagine what that number would be if you weren't holding yourself back so much!
My sun sign is Libra...and sometimes I find the back and forth balance of the scales, seeing all the pros & cons, to be so IMMOBILIZING!
Obviously I've got to get on to taking care of business with my food. And while I'm sure this will help my mood to some extent, a part of me is semi-stuck on the thought of "what if it doesn't?"
So back to my absence: feeling like a "fallen angel" after beating myself up the way I have I have a great deal of shame and feel very embarrassed, thinking I'd better just go away, get my act together and come back when I've reclaimed my momentum.
But that hasn't worked! So here I am, pushing through all my inner muck and determined to publicly slog it out! Fighting through the "domesticated despair" O'Connor speaks of: "At its best our age is an age of searchers and discoverers, and at its worst, an age that has domesticated despair and learned to live with it happily." - Flannery O'Connor
I liked this quote and am trying to hold onto this at all times. Getting out of my own way...but Lao Tzu says it better:
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
-- Lao Tzu
Here's to re-joining you "searchers and discoverers" and becoming "what we might be!"
ps...Thx you SONGBUDDHA for your support through this...been listening to U2's "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of"...thx for pointing me toward another great song!
pps...perhaps I might dust off some of the pics I've gathered and share some of my adventures from the past several weeks. Sometimes it may FEEL like my life has ground to a halt, but REALLY there have been things happening...!