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My Dear Young Man

Sunday, July 31, 2011

My name is Janet. I have been a member of Sparkpeople for 2 months now. I lost my dear 21 year old son, Michael, to suicide January 3rd, 2007. Our lives have been changed forever. My husband and I have two boys, one living and one no longer with us.

Michael was there for everyone except himself. He fell into a deep and deadly depression when he and his first girlfriend had a break up. This was the "straw"; Mike struggled to understand people and life and those who knew him loved him. He was generous, funny, and smart, but somehow felt at odds with the world. Our Michael hid his pain well. He didn't want to burden anyone and he was too young to understand the devastation his action would create.

Its been a long haul for his father, myself and his older brother who was his best friend. Michael left two books of poetry which he seemed to write as a way of getting the bad feelings out. We had no idea that he wrote poetry or that he wrote so beautifully! We miss him terribly but know we have to start taking care of ourselves for the sake of our older son.

I was off work after his death for 2 and a half years, and all aspects of my life came to a hault. I have gained 60 lbs over the past four years and it is just now that I have the energy to attend to getting back in shape. I have been back at work for a year now at three days a week.

The pain remains but Michael wrote that he was sure we would meet "to dine together again" and he asked that we live our lives well... and so I will do so now that I am ready ... for myself, my family, and for Michael.
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  • PCOH051610
    Janet - This blog really touched me to a core as I have been in your son's shoes but somehow I managed to reach out and get treatment. I have lived with depression since I was a child and have been suicidal twice - the most recent time was two years ago and I put myself in the hospital.

    Thank you for sharing this story -
    2297 days ago
    Oh I am so sorry for your loss...

    I've had several friends and acquaintances who felt like their lives weren't worth living more. I never got to tell any of them how important they were to me.

    I'm encouraged by your son's comment about "to dine together again" - did he read the Bible? 1 Corinthians 15:52

    Our family is missing at least one sister that I know of, a stillborn, born the day before my birthday (different year). It's still a loss, just a different kind of loss, different reasons, different feelings, none better or worse. It is what it is.

    Thanks for sharing!!

    emoticon emoticon


    2303 days ago
    I lost my older brother to suicide in 2008. Something that helps me to get through is to reflect upon the fact that he was such a light to the world. He showed kindness and caring to everyone in his life and everyone he met. I try to let that live though me by showing the same love toward others that he strove for each day. Your son must be so glad to see that you are continuing your life in a positive way. I'll pray for you and your family.
    2399 days ago
    I'm so sorry for your loss. There is not a doubt in my mind that your son would be proud of you for reaching the point where you are ready to live your life again, and for recognizing that your living son needs you more than ever - taking control of your life while remembering Michael is a very strong example for your older son.

    I hope that Spark People will help you to find strength on the bad days, and will keep you motivated to create more good days.

    2399 days ago
    Oh my . . . there are no words.

    I am glad you're at a place in your life where you're ready to take care of you and move on. Never feel like moving on is forgetting. You will NEVER forget. I lost my brother 29 yrs. ago @ age 27 ON HIS BIRTHDAY. It definitely does change everyone forever. But my overwhelming thought was he would not want to have us mourning the rest of his life and would want us to remember him with happy thoughts. (My brother passed from an undiagnosed brain aneurysm.)

    My thoughts are with you.
    2399 days ago
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