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Is there no one? (vent)

Friday, July 29, 2011

Who can help me? No one around here who can save me from myself? I sure as hell can't. I was going strong and now I am stuck on a broken yo-yo wagon. I am so constantly disappointed with myself and my lack of just being anything that I want myself to be. I have been positive. I have been negative. I have been neutral. Now I here I am. EXISTING. I don't want to just exist god dammit (sorry). I am given a new start EVERY day. And every day I ignore it. And you know what? I go to bed every freaking (not the word I'm thinking) night KNOWING exactly what I need to do. Every week I expect a miracle to save me from my slowly moving downward spiral. WHY CAN'T I HELP MYSELF???

I feel like I have no hope. No one left to go to. I know it's on MY shoulders and no one elses to make the changes for myself. So why don't I just do it already? Am I scared? Probably. Do I feel scared? Maybe.. Anxious? Absolutely. I want the over night omg I'm 10lbs thinner. Well you know what? I did the 17 day diet and lost 16lbs in 6 days.. but guess what happened when I started eating regular food again? It was back in just a couple days. It made me feel amazing. Then my time of the month came around and I threw all caution to the wind. Something is seriously wrong with me aside from my obesity to give me such a lack of drive. All my blood work is fine.. but it won't always be. And I am constantly borderline. I am pushing myself.. to an early grave. WHY IS THAT NOT ENOUGH TO FRIGHTEN ME??

"Overweight people are more likely to have high blood pressure, a major risk factor for heart disease and stroke, and high cholesterol, also a risk factor. They're twice as likely to develop Type 2 diabetes—a major cause of death, heart disease, kidney disease, stroke, amputation and blindness—as those not overweight."

Did you read the above statement in quotations? Guess what? My Mom died January 2 2009 (when I was 24) of a list longer than my arm of complications due to being a diabetic. Due to struggling with her weight. She suffered from diabetes, blood pressure issues, partial blindness, lupus, skin issues and infections, heart problems, wounds that wouldn't heal properly or at all, eventually developing a tumor that grew to the size of a grapefruit and attached to her heart and lungs. When she had the tumor removed they opened her rib cage and had to remove parts of her lungs. It caused a rare lung disease known as BOOP which dries up the bronchial tubes like a sponge and is irreversible. She went on steroids and it made her bones brittle. She suffered a shattered leg bone. It never healed and doctors insisted it was doing fine. It wasn't until she was laying in her death bed that they did a scan to find that even the plate holding her bone together was also fractured. She spent the last year of her life in and out of complete misery. She knew it was coming, but she was in good spirits the last time I saw her conscious. The next time I saw her was my last. She was in a medically induced coma dying. It doesn't hit you that you're losing that person until you get a phone call saying 'this is it' that you realize it really is. And then it's too late.

Losing my Mom scared me. I picked up the NOTHING that I was doing and started gathering my will power (which I haven't had any of since MAY 2010). I found sparkpeople 3 months before she died. And really started using it after I lost her. I met someone who helped me get on track and I posted before in previous entries about. I did her contest. I went through numerous times of being accused of "cheating" with food. It was all screwed up from the first day. And I got punished for it. I worked my butt off and lost 30lbs just from those 3 months... but I hated everything about it when it was done. My life started spiraling down. Between my sister in law's family moving in with me, ending the contest, buying a house, having my vehicle break down permanently.. I lost my way. Nothing excites me. I became upset discouraged and overwhelmed.

My Dad came to visit me last July/ Early August. I was so excited for him to be here even though the entire month before hand he suffered major medical issues due to his kidneys and diabetes. My Dad also struggled with his weight his entire life. Entire life. He went from being bigger to smaller to huge to normal to a little heavy to normal to huge again to .. well.. when I saw him. He looked so frail and unhealthy. He was so small from dialysis, diabetes and blood pressure diets I didn't recognize him. He scared me. TERRIFIED me. I was afraid for him to leave the house and afraid for him to visit again.. at the end of that particular visit he fell and hurt his hip so badly I had to push him around in a computer chair and he couldn't climb the stairs. I was miserable and sad for him. He wanted so badly to play with my kids who adore him. When my Dad left he was already planning on having a big Christmas here at my house. He wanted all the kids and grandkids etc. to gather here. The thought was overwhelming, but I wanted him to be happy. I was just worried. When November rolled around and it was Thanksgiving.. my Dad had already purchased all his xmas gifts for the kids. He would spend every penny he had to do it too because in his eyes that's what christmas was for, seeing their faces and he had no one else to use his money on. But Thanksgiving was his Birthday and he went into diabetic shock and was hospitalized. He had a staph infection on his leg. My Dad already had several toes amputated on one foot due to infection and diabetes. The infection was making his diabetes go insane.. which in turn made him a little crazy until it was under control. They had to amputate half his foot.. in the following days the leg would go with it. The Christmas trip was canceled and I was both relieved and miserable. He was in a nursing home with home visits to shrink the stump and build muscle to get a prosthetic. He watched via google video chat as my kids had their Christmas. That was better than nothing at all. But you could tell that he was unhappy. He was miserable relying on other people.

Between Christmas and March I received so many phone calls from my Dad I started to ignore some of them. I now regret more than you know. He was miserable where he was (I am not allowed to discuss why right now), miserable with his situation and so very lonely. His greatest joys in life at this point were his grandkids and fishing. He couldn't see his grandkids and he couldn't fish anymore. March rolled around and my Dad was set to be released from hospice to go home in 2 days when a major issue was discovered. His entire foot.. his only foot.. had become gangrenous due to lack of care. My brother said it smelled like death. And he was right, it was decaying. It made him sick.. it made him septic. They started with amputating half of that foot.. and again in the following days that leg also was amputated. So much went wrong over the next few weeks.. until March 29th came. It was brought to us by the head nurse via conference call (we're all in different states) that what we were doing by keeping my father alive was INHUMANE. That we weren't being fair by wanting him to live. To not want to let go. My Dad suffered so greatly (including a case of temporary dementia) from November to March.. it was just so unfair. So wrong. We were told if we didn't agree to pull the plug it would be put before the Ethnics comity and they would vote yes.. and it wouldn't be our decision at all, but theirs. So we agreed. Over the next 24 hours all his children and Grandchildren had a chance to tell him over the phone how much we love him and thank him for all he had done for us. To tell him it wasn't Goodbye, but we'll see you again soon. To wait for us. To tell Mom we love her and think about her as much as we think about him every single day. It was heart wrenching. I shattered into a million pieces the next morning at 9:30am central time when my sister called to tell me that My Dad took his last breath. I would never hear him again. I became an official orphan at the age of 26. I felt cheated. Lost. It didn't hit me until we were at his memorial.. until we were laying his ashes in the ground next to my Mothers. Until now. It never sets in fully. It comes and goes. In 2 years I lost the place I used to call home, the people I went to for everything. The people who next to my children and husband, I love the most in the world.

And since then.. I haven't felt the same.

Both my parents died in the last 2 1/2 years from diseases related to obesity.

This terrifies me... but not enough to MAKE ME MOVE. It's enough to keep me in a depressed state so that I would rather sleep all day than live my life. Why. I'm so ANGRY with myself. With where I am at. With WHO I AM that won't show itself. That fat freaking bully that I am who won't let me control myself or move out of my way. I'm here. I'm stuck inside. I'm stalled. And there is no one to save me. I tried saving myself. I am always trying. I have no one to throw me a life line. No one to save me from my self made disaster. No one to help me reverse the spiral and push myself up...

But I am here.

And even though I feel like I am left in the dark with no more than a single match that is quickly burning out.. it's still a light. I'm not afraid of the dark, but I am absolutely scared of spending the rest of my life trapped where I am now inside myself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just sending some love
    2395 days ago
    You have certainly got some pain and some incredibly difficult challenges to face. I really hope you can find someone to help you through this process. It's okay to get help. If you had a broken bone, you would be right to expect to have help handling the pain and help in healing. Emotional damage and pain is not all that different. You have a right to expect professional help, and to know that in time you will heal.

    Meanwhile, keep leaning on your Spark Friends, other friends, remaining family, whom ever is there for you. Be kind to yourself. It's hard to take good care of something we don't like, so liking ourselves is of vital importance. We always take better care of things we love and appreciate. It's hard to love and appreciate our bodies sometimes, but it can be done. I know from experience that hating my body has never helped me to change it. I had to look hard to find things about me that I liked, but I did find them. I eventually got good at finding them and it's much easier now.

    Fear can be paralyzing, so it's not surprising that fear is not motivating you. It sounds like you blame yourself for not being motivated by fear, but to not be motivated by fear is a perfectly normal human reaction. Don't blame yourself for being normal.

    Best wishes,
    2397 days ago
    Aw, hunny. I wish I could be there for you right now. I feel so many things that you do. I wish we could go through this together in person. But, we can do it online and through calls and text. Please consider messaging me for my phone number. I'd love to talk to you more and be there for you. Hang in there sweetie. We will get through this together! We need to for our families! emoticon
    2397 days ago
    I lost my Mother to a slow and painful death last fall.. actually Aug 3rd will be a year :( . I had to see a therapist to get past it and a few other things in my life, it helps so much .. you are not alone- we are never alone. We may feel lost and sad and even mad but like Jen says.. sometimes thats a good thing! get mad get pissed off -scream! if you have to! You dont have to get past it .. or over it.. you have to learn to live with it. I'm Truely sorry about your loses. Truely. :( One day at a time. One issue at a time sweety. Hay at least you came to a great place :)
    2398 days ago
  • JENJEN1004
    I'm so sorry you have gone through so much grief. Watching someone you love live in pain and sadness is unimaginable unless you've been through it. As for your life now, I have to say that in my opinion, diets don't work and I no longer waste my time. I've managed to lose 40lbs (slowly) just by following the SparkGuy's Fast Break suggestions. So it's not a diet; it's a lifestyle change. I liked the passion in your blog. It shows you still care. It's good to get angry at roadblocks; just remember that baby steps will get you over it and moving forward. You can do this. And I agree with MBW209 that counseling would be good for you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve. You're still in the fight. Some ppl sit on the sidelines and won't even acknowledge the fight.
    emoticon emoticon
    2399 days ago
  • MBW209
    SO much sadness in such a short amount of time for someone who is so young...Right now it is probably taking all the energy you have to just get through the day and being disciplined about making major life changes (like in your diet!) will be extremely hard. First, give yourself credit for continuing to fight the good fight. Second, get thee to a licensed therapist, pastoral counselor or grief counselor. You seem to be experiencing a complicated bereavement process that most people need special help to conquer. Maybe you can handle it by yourself, but why do it the hard and long way when help (even free help) is probably available? Wishing you strength and many candles to light your way...
    2399 days ago
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