Wednesday, July 27, 2011
voracious: having a huge appetite
IT won. I have slipped back into the blackness that was my life before I had lost all my weight. While I am not as fat as I once was. While I am still going to the gym many times per week, and have developed a layer of muscle underneath it all, the fat is coming back. Not with a vengeance, but it is making its slow march forward. And I am powerless to stop it.
Eating is at the same time everything and nothing to me. I constantly eat. I cannot stop. I crave eating every type of food, all of it. But when I start shoveling the food down my throat I find that it doesn’t matter. I still want, need, more. Nothing satisfies me.
It’s just so bottomless.
It makes me want to scream, howl, bellow, wail, whatever. I want to unleash a torrent of acoustic rage that would crack mountains. Nothing satisfies me, nothing abates the beast that is inside of me. Plates and plates of food. Handful after handful of junk, and it never stops. The only reason I stop eating is I get distracted. Or that tiny scream of guilt manages to squeak past the insatiable roar of wanting more.
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing stops it.
I WANT to. I remember that once I steeled up the courage, strength and will to STOP eating. It was a constant hour by hour struggle, but somehow I managed. How, I have no earthly idea, but for three months I was able to stop.
Then, my excuse is, I got sick. I had the flu and the only way to stop the pain was to eat. Nothing I ate was enough, but I just needed more, more more. Then after the flu passed the constant need for more, more more stayed. For brief stretches I have been able to stop. A week or a day and I couldn’t take the constant screaming anymore.
My wife had the gastric bypass surgery and lost a lot of weight, but it also broke part of her inside. She has been sick nearly every day since the surgery 5 years ago, she is thinner, but she has never been healthy. But even knowing the pain she is going thru I still lust after the surgery. I want it, I want the voice to be silenced. I wish they could go in and cut away the part of me that every minute and every second screams for food. Cut it away and burn it on a funeral pyre.
I just want to stop being so hungry all the time.