Saturday, July 23, 2011
copied over from my weight loss surgery forum blog on another site...I know not EVERYONE is on Spark because they had weight loss surgery...but hopefully you can relate!
As part of my endeavor to run a 5k in October, I have been putting together playlists. Full of emotional, upbeat, motivating songs (and some fluff as well I'll admit it) Best of you by the Foo Fighters is a really big motivator for me. I think it is meant to be about abuse and putting up with crap from a significant other, and how someone is getting the best of you and not getting the BEST of you at the same time. When I hear that song, I think about how I used to abuse myself, with food, with negative thoughts, with lack of exercise, and with self-loathing. As Dave Grohl say-I REFUSE!!! I am no longer willing to do that. I will NOT get the best of me anymore, and myself and others WILL be getting the BEST of me. I REFUSE to give less than my best to ANYONE! And that includes standing up for myself, taking time out to work out, eat the right things, spend time with friends and staying home when I need to, in order to give the BEST of me to those that count.
Also have been thinking about addiction alot. As a mental health counseling student I have learned about addiction both from a physiological and a psychological viewpoint. I used to feel very superior to those who "gave in" to addiction. Someone said to me once, very bluntly..Dude..no one wakes up in the morning and says :"I wanna be a crackhead." The truth of those words hit me like a rock, and my thinking began to change. I now can admit without shame that I am addicted to food. GBS and the restrictions it places on food intake was a detox for me. Like a baby, we start out on milk or formula (protein drinks) then move on to baby food (purees) then soft foods and finally, onto table food. During this progression I learned to think about food differently. It is fuel. It is nutrients. It is essential. Do I still enjoy it? HECK YES!!! And like any other kind of addict in recovery I must battle it everyday, make choices based on priorities and on what will lead me to my goal of health. Have I relapsed. Yeah, I have. But also got "back on the wagon" and pressed forward. Recovery is not linear, there WILL be ups and downs along the way.
Which leads me back to the playlist. Yesterday I added "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx AM (you know good ole Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue? Yes I know I am OLD) It says there is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home. Another line says there's nothing like a funeral to make you feel ALIVE! Just swear on your life, that no one will cry at my funeral. We all faced death when we went under the knife for our procedures. There was blood involved. We have paid a serious price to be ALIVE and I for one will NOT waste it. I will work, sweat, cry, BLEED, whatever it takes because I am ALIVE today in part because of my choice to get healthy. When I die, hopefully at the ripe old age of 120, I don't want people in the back of the church to be whispering that is is a shame I didn't take better care of myself, and how this has motivated them to do lose weight/start exercising/quit drinking/etc. because they don't want to end up in a box before their time. I've been to funerals and thought the same thing. I watched 2 young, obese cousins DIE from complications from obesity. And it took me years to get here, and lot of soul searching, and a lot of false starts. But I went into surgery thinking that if I died, I would die trying. Today I think that I want to LIVE and I want to live WELL! These are the things that keep me going on that treadmill when the old me wants to quit and lay on the couch.
That and Poison's "Nothing But a Good Time." Bret Michaels is old too but he is still HOT (I told you there was fluff).