I'm gonna put it out there.
I have some deep seeded body image issues.
Photo's prior to 2004- There aren't very many. At nearly 200 pounds, I certainly didn't seek out opportunities to be in pics. I was embarrassed by how I looked, and after years of being told I needed to loose weight, to change my eating habits, forced into exercise ect... my self esteem levels were pretty low.
Photo's circa 2006- Somewhere in the previous 2 years, I lost 65 pounds. Strangely enough, I still think I'm fat. I've gone from a size 18 to a size 4 or 5, and all I can think about is how gross my thighs are. I'll bet if I loose 10 more pounds, my thighs will look a lot better,
photo's circa 2008- I've gone through a life-altering break down of the 6 years relationship I was in.. moved halfway across the county, and back in with my parents. Gained back about 10 pounds and feel disgusted with myself. Who's going to want a chubby reject like me? I hit the gym, try out "clean eating" and attempt to date..
*funny enough, these are the pics I look at now and think, YES! That girls looks healthy! Attractive!! That's what I want!*
Late 2008- I'm going to go back to school! I don't need a man, I need a career! I don't ever want to have to move back in with my parents again because I cant support myself without someone else's help!!
2009- I start seeing my fiancÚ. An old friend from an old life that I thought I had left behind. As it turns out, he's got a lot more to offer than just his friendship. I try and keep my distance, I really don't want to be in a serious relationship... I have to focus on school, and "fixing" all the things that are wrong with me.
But what can you do? I fall totally and unconditionally in love with this guy! Yeesh! What the heck is up with that?
Here's another funny thing... I've started to realize that this unconditional love I have for him, I'll bet he feels that way about me! He says he does anyways... But wait! Shouldn't I feel that way about myself also? Why can't I appreciate all the great things about me? I respect his opinion, and he seems to think pretty highly of me....
Photo's circa 2009 to present- smiling a little more sincerely... actually enjoying myself in social situations. I'm not worried that others are judging me for having fat thighs, or the wrong opinion. I'll bet people have better things to worry about than my muffin top! I'll enjoy a whole plate of nachos because I want to! I like my new job, I'm happy in my relationship, lets all celebrate!!
well, I celebrated to the tune of 30 pounds, and now I feel that I need to bring a balance to my life. Something novel to me, everything in moderation. I want to live a healthy lifestyle for my own happiness, for my fiancÚ and for our future family.
Remembering where I came from, but only moving forward.
Perception is everything, and I refuse to disrespect myself anymore.