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    RENLA6991   52,576
50,000-59,999 SparkPoints

I'm Down to Two Dads

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Consider this blogging therapy. I need to get this out of my head because itís been banging around & driving me crazy since Monday.

Thatís the day that I found out my biological father had died.

I grew up in a typical, slightly dysfunctional (right, Lydia?) family with my mom, dad (Dennis) and sister. I never thought much of it when people said that I looked like my mom & my sister took after my dad. In high school, we did a blood type testing lab. My parents both had O+; mine test result was B+. If you remember correctly from biology class, thatís not possible. My teacher (perhaps politely,) Mom & I all shrugged it off as a cheap, insensitive, perhaps faulty test.

Fast forward about four years, when I did a similar lab in a college biology class. More sophisticated test, same results. This time I couldnít ignore the results. When I confronted Mom with the news, she reluctantly admitted that she had an affair with a married coworker when she & my dad Dennis were on a break. Dennis found out that Mom was pregnant with me and, being the good man that he is, wanted to marry her. My biological father never knew about me.

Mom gave me my biological fatherís name & a way to reach one of his family members, and after several months I decided to contact him. John, my biological father, was surprised but very receptive. I met him, his current wife, his ex-wife (the one he cheated on) and over half of my 8 ďnewĒ brothers & sisters a few weeks later. Some things made much more sense after I met him; I shared some of the same facial features, personality traits & mannerisms with them.

We developed a tenuous but decent relationship. John told me he loved me from the very beginning and included me in a few family functions. I became pretty close with two of my brothers & sisters, Bill & Nikki. But things were awkward. Some of the siblings were less accepting of me than others. My dad Dennis was hurt that I had contacted John and felt that I was trying to replace him. After a while, my biological father & I seemed to let the years, miles and difficulties separate us and we lost contact.

Over the weekend, as I was sorting & decluttering the house for sale, I found a graduation card from John and decided to search for him on the internet. I had often thought of doing this, but he had health issues and I was a little apprehensive about what I would find. My worst fears were confirmed when I found his obituary. He passed away a while ago (Iím not going to say how long ago because it upsets me.) I was not listed as one of his children.

I have such mixed feelings. I am sad that my biological father is dead, but not nearly as sad as I will be when my dad Dennis or my stepdad Jerry pass away. I feel guilty that we didnít keep in touch, despite what others thought. Iím upset that none of my siblings contacted me when he passed away. Iím hurt that I, the bastard child of an affair or not, was not included as one of his children. I feel like Iím grieving the loss of not only the loss of my biological father but eight brothers & sisters as well. I havenít told many people, but most werenít sure how to respond. I canít blame them; itís such an odd situation that Iím not sure how to deal with it either. Iím hoping blogging & a little more time will help.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

    Renee, coming from a very multi-faceted aka dysfunctional family, I hear you and I feel your pain. We have experienced similar difficult to understand "stories". How you feel is YOURS. Own it and let it run its course. No one can tell YOU how to feel sweetie. Follow your head and your heart and work through this in your own time. emoticon

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XHASTEDMOMOF2 8/31/2011 11:24PM

    Sorry I'm just now catching up on your blog!!!! I'm also saddened that you had this to go thru. You've really got a lot on your plate and this just added to it!!!! I hope you are healing well and finding a way to come to terms with the mix of emotions this stirred up!!


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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 7/24/2011 1:34PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. It must be confusing and confounding--you must have a part of you that is mourning the "what might have been" aspect of having a shadow family, however much your real family means to you.
Best wishes.

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EUPHRATES 7/23/2011 11:54PM


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TIGGER622 7/22/2011 5:06PM

    I am so sorry for your loss, no one can fully understand what you are going through, but we are all here to listen. I was adopted myself so I have lots of family out there that I did not grow up with. Some that want me in their lives and some that dont. It is complicated and strange and sad and happy and no one knows but me! Stay strong and try and appreciate what you were able to gain from those relationships while they lasted - the shared traits, medical history, etc. He will always be a part of you and so will his children, even if they dont want to recognize it. HUGS!!!

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TERJEGOLD 7/21/2011 11:20PM

    Own your feelings, sweetie. Whatever you are feeling, it's the right thing for you at this time. Sadness does not need justification. You experienced a loss, actually several and it truly is sad.

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CINDHOLM 7/21/2011 6:37PM

    I am so sorry for your loss emoticon

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MACKANDME 7/21/2011 6:19PM

    You should do what will give you the most peace. It is clear you love your dad (Dennis) and step dad (Jerry). Your biological father is exactly that, biological. I empathize with you because I have steps also. And long lost family that could care less if I were alive or if we ever even spoke. So do what you need to for that inner peace, then go spread some love to those that are always there for you to dish out the hugs.

emoticon emoticon

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DAS92687 7/21/2011 3:38PM

    Renee, I am so sorry for your loss.

I think it would be nice to reach out in a letter to your siblings and let them know that you are sorry for their loss and share their sadness. It's quite possible that your not being listed in the obituary was not mean-spirited ...

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--MAY-- 7/21/2011 1:27PM

    Hello, thank-you for sharing, though I have no idea of what you are feeling... I only hope that you can find some peace, like someone previously said, cherish and remember the times you spent with him. And when you feel up to it reach out to that sister and brother.
As I have said we have no idea what another person we love is going thru. so take care of yourself and smile and laugh cuz it really does make you feel better.

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A-STRONGER-ME 7/21/2011 12:57PM

    Renee, I don't know you very well, but I do believe that all the feelings you are having are very normal. You were cheated, intentionally or unintentionally - in several ways and either way it hurts.

Cherish the fact that you met him and had him in your life for a bit - instead of finding out about him now and never having known him at all.

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JEM0622 7/21/2011 12:57PM

    As a birthparent, I find this blog very insightful. I don't know if you knew that about me. Anyway, I am sorry that your curiosity led to that update about him. I think you should find comfort in knowing that you had some kind of a relationship at all. As you said, you have others that you care a great deal about and are in your life. emoticon

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JEANNETTE59 7/21/2011 12:43PM

  There is an old saying, "You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends."
Thank you for trusting your Spark friends enough to share this complicated and painful story.
My guess is that the brothers and sisters who, were not accepting of you as a "new sister," put pressure on "their father" to not include you in family gatherings. It's not an excuse for their or his behavior, only a reason.
Perhaps in time you may want to reach out to the brother and sister, who welcomed you. In the meantime enjoy the love of your immediate family and friends. And know that you have Spark friends that care about you and are willing to listen and not judge.
Time is a great healer. I wish you peace emoticon

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MGJARVI 7/21/2011 12:31PM

    Renee, you're right, not very many people would know the brilliant right thing to say in this situation. All I can say is that I love you and offer all the hugs I can give. I'm so sorry to hear about this, I had NO idea, and can only imagine how it's weighing on you.

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SHANDIEGO 7/21/2011 12:21PM

    Hang in there Sugar. I know you're going through a lot, but trust that everything will feel ok again. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Stay strong. Don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need a friend. emoticon

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