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    JILL313   133,785
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My Spark is Just Flickering. . .


Monday, July 18, 2011

Recently, due to my not focusing on my goals and some upsetting things in my life I'm not as determined and motivated as I want/need to be to get this weight off and get healthy! I think of myself as a positive person but recent things in my life have me even questioning that about myself.

Over the last couple of months or longer all I've been doing is losing then regaining the same few pounds so I'm mad at myself about that. As, I have all the resources right here on SP, read lots of blogs and articles and find myself wondering why this Journey to get Healthy and Fit has been so hard for me to do. I don't seem to have the Spark like I even did a month ago! I'm happy for my Sp friends who in a year or less take off a significant amount of weight but at the same time it makes me wonder why is it I seem unable to do what is necessary, ie, eat well within my calorie range and exercise more to have WL success myself.

I do track my food and do well until hours after dinner when I get hungry--I know I can't be really hungry as I've eaten a full days worth of calories. It's more of an emotional hunger that I can't get a handle on and it's gotten worse recently. Recently, I did join a small Team that deals with this very issue so I'm praying that it helps me get back on Track.

Being morbidly obese like I am has so many negative health consequences and would be greatly helped by losing weight and exercising. So, when I have all this good information why do I sabotage myself almost every day?? I'm really not sure--maybe I need a Shrink!!

When one of my Teams had a 3 week Exercise Challenge of exercising 30 minutes a day I was so motivated and hardly missed a day of exercising. I even noticed I had more energy and didn't even need my afternoon naps. So, I can't understand why I make so many excuses for myself not to exercise now when I know it makes me feel better both physically and mentally. Do any of you have this problem?

So, today I'm going to take the time to re-evaluate my Sp goals and maybe change or tweak some. What I'm doing is not working well for me so I need to look deep within myself for some answers. I'm also going to re-read the book, The Spark, as it really helped motivate me and make me more determined to get Healthy

I love and enjoy all the wonderful friends I've made on SP--and wouldn't give any of them up as they do support and encourage me. Overall, the biggest success of Sparking for me is my friends and I do feel connected to them as we're all alot alike in wanting to get healthy and more active. Thanks to Sparking and feeling connected to a wonderful Community I am happier than I was before I discovered Spark so that is great success as happiness can't be bought.

Hugs,

Jill

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BEESPARKLE 10/20/2011 2:21PM

    I am in the same stream your in. I go up stream all gun hoe then come down and not get in the boat. I was off all summer and now back in. I was discouraged and Icame across a motivated gal and then I seen and read others and then I added alot of Grannies like you all and oldie Sparklers who have been here awhile or a life time it seems. So as I go along. I add you to my friends list and hope someone will give me a snag and tell me and encourage me once again. I have had alot of pain with my osteoarthritis so I did over work my self to keep up as a teamer but now have come to this. A summer gone I am feeling not as good as I want to be. So Grannies. Come give me some encouragement.

Thanks. emoticon

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PATPITA 8/3/2011 4:25AM

    Hello Jill:
I am not very good at this. I have been a member a long time, but not very fateful. I find that I am always starting over. And that is what I am doing again today.
I joined a gym today and I am already afraid I will fail. I need to loose 100lb +.
Your blog spoke to me. and now I just want to say I,m glad to have found you. emoticon emoticon

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2MUCHRUTHIE 8/1/2011 6:25PM

    Oh dear Jill, my friend---

We are all so much alike. Even after surgery I must fight "head hunger". I know that my tiny stomach is full but I want more to taste!

One thing I know----never, never,never give up. Fight the good fight. You are a bright star in this community and we love you. I will pray for you and for all of us in this battle.

I eat sugar free popsicles at night and all day if that is what i have to do. It's hard.

Soon your flickering spark will burst into a bright flame because our Lord will gently blow on it.

Love you, Jill

Ruthie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/1/2011 6:26:47 PM

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26M8J7 7/28/2011 2:45AM

    I can relate to everything you are saying. I am starting over again. I guess up's and down's are a part of making this lifestyle change because the old habits try to creep in every now and then. I am praying for your success!!

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SLIMTHICK2 7/27/2011 4:51PM

    Hi Jill, today I decided to go to your page to see what you're up to and found your recent blog. emoticon I'm happy that you decided to write this. So much of what you said I'm going through right now and I'm also looking within to get a grip of myself. I am slowing regaining my spark and I know as you push through you will regain yours also, hopefully brighter than it's ever been.
All the best to you as you move forward, as always your friend. emoticon

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NEWTEXDEBBIE 7/26/2011 12:19PM

    Sweet Jill.....
I mirror your problems so very closely. Wow.... I sit here day after day KNOWING that I have to work out and how AND everyday I sit.... you are on the right track my friend and NOT giving up is the key. Me getting off my posterior is the key for me. It just seems so large of a goal. Hang in there girlfriend. WE CAN DO THIS!

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CHRISTA90 7/23/2011 2:26PM

  Oh Jill, I hear you. You've written my blog for me. My days are fine but after dinner, oh my, how my mind thinks I still need to eat. Part of it could be to soothe the increase in pain level by evening and another could be that you're tired. I know that I should go to bed earlier at night but I'm reluctant to because getting to sleep is an uncomfortable chore. I've been dealing with chronic pain since a head-on car crash sixteen years ago but looking back at what could have been and what is, I know I've been blessed. It took 3 years to get walking again, but I am walking although limited mobility did put on the pounds. I also lost and gained back the same poundage several times but each time I learned a little more. In the last 3 years I have lost weight and not regasined it, but oh so very slowly. The journey goes on. I've just been with Sparks for a short while but it is proving to be extremely useful, especially the comments and support from the rest of the Spark community. It sounds like you are a member of this community that has given others strength and hope. Let that warm your heart and help keep you going. You have the answers and you will get there.

Hugs and best wishes
Chris

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VTMAID 7/23/2011 12:22PM

    Hi Jill--just checking back to see how you are doing. I truly meant what I said about you always being so helpful and encouraging!
Take care.....
Karen

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KELLEY106 7/21/2011 10:06PM

    Hi Jill,
I guess a lot of us are in the same boat.
Someone once told me what we do at night when we over eat is just a habit, a bad habit. We need something to replace it. Such as, I can eat anything I want at night AFTER I eat an apple and a banana (or two of any fruits) Try it for 7 nights
What do you have to lose(a little pun there)
You just might just pick up the habit of eating two pieces of fruit at night. Let me know how you do
Kelley

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SEWINGMAMACDS 7/20/2011 11:31AM

    Jill - I could have written that blog too. I just keep my motto of "Lose Your Quit" in front of me. I need to remember that this is a lifelong journey not a sprint. Cheering you on my friend!
Hugs,
Carrie

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CTUPTON 7/19/2011 7:16PM

    Maybe the Accountability forum on the Evening Eating Team would help you. It is cute to put an icon for each day of the week showing how well you did in the evenings. I put some posts up like that and other people did too. This is the second Accountability topic there so you can see examples on the first one we did.

Another way or with the icons you can say 2/7 or 4/7 to show how many evenings you were "good." Good is your own measurement.

I don't want to confuse you, but a third way is to give yourself a 0 or a 1 for each day of the week. At the end of the week, count up all your points. 7 X 5 is 35 for a perfect week.

I hope one of these plus team support will help motivate you.

Definitely start each week with a clean slate. And you know that any time of any day you can "start the day over." Then you won't say, "Oh I blew lunch so I will just eat whatever I want for the rest of the day." Restart at 1:00 PM and have the rest tof the day be perfect!

Good luck emoticon and please keep posting! Getting feedback from others is a real motivator!

Chris emoticon

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TORTILLAFLATS 7/19/2011 6:58PM

    Jill, I have lots of faith in your ability to get that spark shinning bright again. You are always there to help the rest of us through rough times. So you already have the answers within you. Now just open your heart up to hear the words you speak to us. Your words are packed full of power and they will work for you too. You are very much worth the effort!!! We can and will do this, sometimes like lightening, sometimes at a snails pace but we will continue on to the finish line.
emoticon emoticon

Gail

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VTMAID 7/19/2011 2:34PM

    Honestly, Jill, I did exactly what you said you were going to do. I finally read the book! If snacking after dinner is when you usually run into trouble, take the book to bed with you and call it an early night! Even if you have to go to bed at 5pm! My husband likes to snack at night and I know I can't even be around the stuff so I go off into the other room and read in bed. Somehow it helps.
It's funny--you never know how many lives you touch. I can tell you, Jill, that you are one of the people who has been there for me from the time I returned to SP and I appreciate your caring nature and your ability to help someone up when they are down.
I hope we can all do the same for you!!!!
Karen emoticon

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MOMFAN 7/19/2011 1:38PM

    Praying for you. I am flickering also.

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MARSHASTAR 7/19/2011 12:05PM

    Jill, we are SO ALIKE. My struggles with losing and gaining the same 30 pounds - oh I've done it three times since joining sparkpeople. I do know how you feel, and I do know you kept at me to continue and not give up. You cheer others, so you must cheer yourself twice as much. We are all here for you. Just don't give up. Keep doing whatever you can to just keep moving. I have faith in your abilities.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
MAKE EVERY DAY "DAY ONE" .
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JINLYNN 7/19/2011 1:56AM

    All the wonderful sparkers before me have just about said it all. Sustaining motivation is so very hard for me too. Sometimes I think it is because of all the negative non-affirmations I heard as a child and learned so well and now carry around in my head. I often talk out loud to drown those thoughts/voices when they sneak up behind me and whisper in my ear. I know you are a very determined lady, and you will get through this. You have been dealing with some health issues these past months, and that can leave one feeling depressed and unmotivated. I do hope you follow up on the previous suggestions to talk with your doctor about this. And I am a firm believer in the benefits of personal counseling. It does help to talk with someone who is objective and can help you work through issues.
The Made To Crave book is great. There is a spark team for those reading this book. You might want to check it out.
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Jineane

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GRITS46 7/18/2011 10:22PM

    Dear Jill, this could be me you've written about. I wonder all these same things about myself and why I'm not successful. I know emotional eating is a problem for me, and between 3pm and dinner and just before bedtime are my weakest times of day. I've been using a Scripture in I Corinthians 10:23, "Everything is possibe -- but not everything is beneficial." I read this in a book about weight loss called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeust. It is written from her own experience as a person who would get out of control with her eating and one day realized she should be craving God and not food. I'm really enjoying it and learning a lot.

Hope the days get better and your flickering Spark turns on the heat and grows!

Loving and praying,
Sherrey

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ESYLVANTUTOR207 7/18/2011 9:56PM

    Wow, Jill...I could have written this blog. It is amazing that I came across this blog today because I am feeling what you are feeling. I have about 100 pounds to lose and sometimes this journey seems so hard. I have been at a plateau for 7 weeks...not one pound lost....like you,playing with the same 3 or 4 pounds....up and down.... I have felt frustrated, discouraged and at the edge of giving up. But giving up is NOT an option. We can only move forward because otherwise all the progress we made will disappear because we will just start gaining the weight again.

After dinner is always the hardest for me. I leave a lot of calories for snacking and eat less during the day because I know when nightime comes around I will need something to help me get through the hours.

I know it is hard. No one said this would be an easy journey but it is one we must take if we want to live longer and healthier.I am trying small goals lately: drinking 48 ounces of water, eating slowly and enjoying my food, walking at least 5 out of 7 days, eating more veggies and fruit. Try to focus on just a few things and work on those.

Don't beat yourself up....Remember this is a life long journey...baby steps...fall down/get up...Progress Not Perfection and most of all....NEVER GIVE UP! Your Spark friends understand...some of us share the same feelings and take the same detours. I am here if there is anything I can do to help. I am adding you as a friend and I hope that is okay with you. Martha ((HUGS))
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Comment edited on: 7/18/2011 9:58:05 PM

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GRANPATTIE 7/18/2011 9:03PM

    Oh, Jill. There is nothing I can add to all the wise words you've been given. And I think you know we all have to find the keys within ourselves. I've been doing this, on one plan or another, for the majority of 51 years. So I'm pretty sure no one could understand what you're going through any more than I do. We all go through these times. Night eating is a problem for me, too. I really believe, at least most of the time, it's more habit than hunger. Having said that, I believe it's that very thing that makes it so hard to change. Not impossible, just difficult. Maybe we need to come up with a challenge for night eating! Just remember about baby steps, about every day is a chance to start again, about not being in this alone, and about the fact that the only option that makes sense is to keep going. This weight is affecting each of us so much at this point in our lives, that continuing on is the only sensible option. I read something that really made sense to me in someone else's blog. She said the length of time it takes is irrelevant, because we'll be working at it the rest of our lives, either losing or maintaining. So what does it matter how long it takes to lose a pound? I think about that when I'm frustrated by how slow it's going for me.

Remember that I and others are here for you, like you're there for us. We CAN do this.

Love you, Kiddo!
Pattie emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 7/18/2011 8:50PM

    Darling Heart ...Please don't worry to much.... It is much better to loose slowly than not at all ..
Firstly you need to be able to adjust to the new lifestyle .
.Secondly your Body needs to adjust ..
Thirdly your skin needs time to shrink ..

I have found that if you make up a small snack as in a few nuts and fruit within your Calorie Range....
You can munch on them at night ... this will do the trick..or if you are not into that some popcorn popped in the microwave without oil, is good too
Love and Hugs my friend...
Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CAZ5346 7/18/2011 7:52PM

    MY DEAR SWEET FRIEND. I WISH THERE WAS SOME MAGICAL WORDS I COULD SAY TO BOOST YOU UP. YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE WITH AN ENCOURAGING WORD FOR OTHERS. I DON'T HAVE THE NIGHT TIME EATING PROBLEM ANYMORE. NOT SINCE BEING DIAGNOSED WITH GERD ANYWAY BECAUSE IF I EAT AT NIGHT AND GO TO BED I KNOW I'M GOING TO BE SICK. NOT A WAY I'D RECOMMEND. I TOO HAVE BEEN LOSING VERY SLOWLY LIKE I'M LUCKY IF IT'S A LB A MONTH, YOU CAN DO THIS. DON'T GET DOWN ON YOURSELF. YOU ARE SUCH A KIND CARING PERSON.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ONEKIDSMOM 7/18/2011 7:46PM

    Every Sparker has a few "down" / less motivated days here and there. Don't give up the ship... get a good night's sleep, drink your water, and do just as you plan: review your goals and values. Still believe in what you set? If so... the review will help you recommit. If not, time to adjust.

One thing I have learned on the journey is that when I start to slide... chances are I'm falling down on the reward front: I am failing to give myself credit in a non-food way, to pamper myself and remind myself that doggone it, I'm worth it!

So are you! emoticon emoticon

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TUBLADY 7/18/2011 7:26PM

    I'm not going to say you can over come this because you know deep down you can and will.
But since I have been treated and am still taking pills for anxiety and depression, see a doctor. Check that aspect out.
As far as night time eating, I get hungry then too. Most people do. There is a large time span from dinner to bed. So plan ahead, have a snack ready. Don't wait till you are famished and ready to eat everything in sight.
And really try to do the exercises. You feel better when you do. There should be no excuses.
Unless you are clinically depresses and the doctor can help you out with that.
Maybe you can adjust some of the calories you are eating during the day for a later snack when you are more hungry.
Don't give up. If something is not working, tweak it some, adjust the calories, find another exercise but just continue. So what if it takes you a week to lose a pound or even two weeks, the most important thing is you are working at it and eventually you will see results.
I wish I could bottle some of my motivation and send it too you. But this is something that each of us have to find within ourselves. Dig deep its there.
Stay positive.
Fan that flickering flame and start to burn bright.
Love, Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IOWAGRAMMA 7/18/2011 4:39PM

    Bless you, Dear Sister! This is one of the things that I fear--losing that little (or big) Spark that keeps us going. It has happened to me before--it's one of the reasons that I avoid saying things like "I'm going to lose this weight once and for all." Or, "Lost 3 pounds, never to see them again." I've been up and down this journey so many times, but I feel like I just have to keep trying. Somebody else mentioned this, too--I also get bored with it all. For right now, though, I think I'm on top of this, but I, also, have a problem with night time eating and I'm definitely going to check out the Team you've mentioned.

Even if you take a little time off from the whole thing, don't go away from us. I have done that before, and I also think that if I had stayed in touch, at least I'd be doing something positive. And, by the way--I'm not sure how much weight you have to lose altogether, but I'm pretty sure you're really happy to have 24# gone! Imagine trying to carry 24# of potatoes up the steps. That's a great achievement in itself, so congrats on that!! It shows you know how to do it, and you will, I firmly believe. Love and Hugs, Jeannie

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ESILBO 7/18/2011 3:07PM

    DEAR JILL...OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE...WE ALL HAVE OURS DOWN TIMES...FOR ME IT IS DEPRESSION LURKING AROUND EVEN AFTER 2 YEARS OF REMISSION...WHEN I AM DOWN, LIKE THIS WEEKEND, I AM ALWAYS AFRAID IT IS COMING BACK...BUT TODAY WAS ANOTHER DAY AND I AM SPRINGING BACK...YOU KNOW BETTER THAN ME (YOU HAVE BEEN LONGER WITH THE PROGRAM) THAT THE SUPPORT IS CRITICAL IN OUR JOURNEY...FOR ME IT IS DIFFICULT TO REACH OUT WHEN I AM DOWN BUT I AM WORKING ON IT...THIS IS ALL WE CAN DO...DO OUR BEST AND BE ACCOUNTABLE...THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE ALL THE TIME...
LOVE
LISE emoticon

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EVELYN5877 7/18/2011 3:01PM

    Hi Jill, I wanted you to know that you are not unique in this, I am having the same struggle. I suppose daily it becomes more of the same, and because it is for the rest of our lives, there is no end in sight, and because there is still so much to do, no light at the end of the tunnel either. In short, It gets boring. If one has been obese for a long time, 30yrs in my case, you also can't imagine the difference it will make, or how one could look.

It is also possible that you are suffering from clinical depression. If you find you have no motivation, memory poor to non existent, concentration the same, either cannot sleep or cannot stay awake, this is a strong possibility. So much so that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for exactly those symptoms. I resisted but was persuaded by my daughters, that is also a symptom.
All we can do is keep going since there is no alternative, at least you are maintaining after a fashion. Sorry this doesn't sound very happy clappy, but sometimes looking something straight in the eye is the best way to overcome it. 'You can do it' slides off the Tongue too easily. emoticon

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EVELYN5877 7/18/2011 3:01PM

    Hi Jill, I wanted you to know that you are not unique in this, I am having the same struggle. I suppose daily it becomes more of the same, and because it is for the rest of our lives, there is no end in sight, and because there is still so much to do, no light at the end of the tunnel either. In short, It gets boring. If one has been obese for a long time, 30yrs in my case, you also can't imagine the difference it will make, or how one could look.

It is also possible that you are suffering from clinical depression. If you find you have no motivation, memory poor to non existent, concentration the same, either cannot sleep or cannot stay awake, this is a strong possibility. So much so that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for exactly those symptoms. I resisted but was persuaded by my daughters, that is also a symptom.
All we can do is keep going since there is no alternative, at least you are maintaining after a fashion. Sorry this doesn't sound very happy clappy, but sometimes looking something straight in the eye is the best way to overcome it. 'You can do it' slides off the Tongue too easily. emoticon

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EVELYN5877 7/18/2011 3:00PM

    Hi Jill, I wanted you to know that you are not unique in this, I am having the same struggle. I suppose daily it becomes more of the same, and because it is for the rest of our lives, there is no end in sight, and because there is still so much to do, no light at the end of the tunnel either. In short, It gets boring. If one has been obese for a long time, 30yrs in my case, you also can't imagine the difference it will make, or how one could look.

It is also possible that you are suffering from clinical depression. If you find you have no motivation, memory poor to non existent, concentration the same, either cannot sleep or cannot stay awake, this is a strong possibility. So much so that I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow for exactly those symptoms. I resisted but was persuaded by my daughters, that is also a symptom.
All we can do is keep going since there is no alternative, at least you are maintaining after a fashion. Sorry this doesn't sound very happy clappy, but sometimes looking something straight in the eye is the best way to overcome it. 'You can do it' slides off the Tongue too easily. emoticon

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BEANZFRD 7/18/2011 2:55PM

    Oh Jill, I know exactly how you feel. I do really well for a while, but I don't seem to have what it takes to keep it going. In some way, I think I might be afraid to succeed. Could it be the same for you? I think I have trouble with keeping my confidence built up, that's why when something troubling happens, I turn to my old friend food. Nights are my rough time too.

Having said that, I think it can be overcome. Counseling? Why not? I have considered hypnotism since it is the only thing that helped me to quit smoking. Either way, we must find the key to unblock what is blocking us and move forward. I promise to try anew. Will you join me?

I'm putting on my big-girl panties now!

emoticon Robin

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MS.ELENI 7/18/2011 2:52PM

    I feel exactly the same way as you.I am in that same boat as you. It is harder and harder to not write downer blogs. I also know if I could control the night eating I wouldn't be stuck. hang in there.You are on the right track.Just do what works for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COUTURELADY 7/18/2011 2:33PM

    Jill, you have the power within you to do this! I know that nights can be tough but you can do it. Join a team and do a challenge EVERY week/month/day if you have to.

Do something every day. Walking in place even counts, if you can't do anything else. Do you like listening to music? Dance around! Please don't give up!

Best,
Teresita emoticon

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COOLMAMA11 7/18/2011 2:19PM

    Hi Jill, you can do this, just do something healthy for yourself everyday..10 min exercise, a walk, eat some healthy snacks, these little things start adding up to a healthy lifestyle! I used to hate exercise, because it left me so sore afterwards, but the pool is my answer, it is movement, without all the pain!

I'm here for you girl, just try to get up with a positive feeling; that if you try a little each day, you are moving forward! I started with 10 min a day, and I'm up to at least 60 min daily! I know it seems hopeless at times, but just pull up those britches and give it another go!

Elaine emoticon

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