I can't believe it. Can not freaking believe it. So yeah, a trip over a decade in the imagining, ruined. A trip a year in the planning, derailed. My sex life, truncated. My fantasy, unfulfilled. My rage, steadily rising. My hatred of women, validated.

A friend betrayed me, lied to my face and destroyed my plans. This is twice he's pissed me off, and I have yet to break any parts off of him as souvenirs. I disapprove of that situation.

So what now? Now I go back to the same stupid grind, trying to improve myself somehow. Trying to trim down further and further. Trying to get to the point where I can do...something.

I've barely slept at all lately.