Friday, July 15, 2011
To all of my new Sparkfriends (and to those of you who have been with me since the start) - I am not perfect. I know sometimes I write things that might make you think I have this whole thing figured out, like there's no stopping me, and like I might have knowledge of that special something that you don't, but last night was a perfect example of me, struggling, right alongside everyone else here.
After I wrote my blog last night, I did go home and enjoy a lovely evening on my own. I did everything I said I was going to - read my book, watched tv, gave my toes a pedicure and went to bed early. Well - almost everything. That nice dinner that I was going to make? I settled for a big caesar salad instead because I could make it fast and I was hungry. But wait? Was I hungry yet? No, not really. But that didn't stop me from eating almost an entire container of corn nuts that were sitting on my counter while I was prepping the salad. Nor did it stop me from eating TWO ice cream cups after my salad. It also didn't stop me from going back to the fridge/cupboard all night long, consuming countless numbers of calories on fresh salsa and chips, chocolate cheerios, and marshmallows. Yep - I had a full on, bust out, BINGE last night. Something I haven't done in a while, but still that all-to-familiar feeling of being totally in, yet totally out of control.
I went in to last night with some really good intentions. But perhaps those intentions came just a little too late. I knew I needed some me time - but because I held off on getting that me time until I literally CRAVED it, my binge mentality came back to bite me on the very night that I was finally doing something for myself. Maybe I just haven't separated the "doing something for myself" actions from the binge actions - since technically they are fulfilling the same need. There are also some physiological reasons for it - TOM is due today, and he always brings with him a torrent of bad behaviour.
Anyway - it happened. Whoops.
I carried on with my night, had a really great sleep and woke up this morning with a plan. I just came back from an AMAZING 5.5 mile run (probably amazing because I was WELL fueled, but there you have it). I've had my Peanut Butter & Chocolate Shake for breakfast. Dinner is in the crockpot. Lunch is packed. Today is going to be a GOOD day.
But today is also another Sparkversary for me. I took my measurements this morning and stood on the scale. Though there has been a slight change this month, it's not what I had hoped for. In the 4 months since my One Year Sparkversary I have lost 15 pounds. But thinking back to a year ago, I was down over 30 by this point. Am I disappointed? Maybe a little. But I'm still down. I still weight less now than I did 4 months ago. And really - I honestly can't expect to lose the second hundred as fast as the first hundred came off. So I'm choosing to look at it this way:
115 pounds ago (at 313 pounds) I was not living. I needed to lose 100 pounds just to get my life back. Now at 198 pounds, I have found my life. But REALLY living my life is going to mean slower weight loss. There is just so much going on to live for right now and it doesn't all revolve around losing weight 24/7. The first hundred pounds was about getting to where I am now. The second hundred pounds is going to be about setting myself up for the long haul. And knowing that when I get to my goal it isn't just arriving at the edge of a cliff that I then need to jump off to get to the valley of maintenance. I'm taking the long way down. Even if it takes me another 3 years. I will reach that valley.
But I'm struggling right now. Living life fully AND losing weight is hard work. I just have to keep the faith that I am doing this right. And if I just keep doing what I am doing (less the crazy binging) I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT. Last night was not so much a set-back as a realization of where I am right now, in the present, and what I need to do to keep pushing for my future. So I'm admitting that this is hard for me right now, but that I have what it takes within me to get through this and to find that balance again.
I am not perfect. But I am DAMNED determined. And maybe THAT'S the secret after all.