Back in May I wrote a Spark Guest Blog about being selfish - or rather - self centered. I talked about the importance of fulfilling yourself first before others and taking ample time for your own goals and aspirations.
If you want to read the blog, it's here: www.dailyspark.com/blog.
But let me tell ya, A LOT has changed in my life since I wrote that article. Namely, I'm no longer the "Single Lady" that I state I am at the end of that blog, and thus, being selfish isn't so easy anymore. I'm figuring out exactly how it feels to have someone else to worry about and satisfy in addition to myself, and it's taken a bit of adjustment on my behalf to re-arrange (and not give up) my single ways.
Over the past couple of weeks work has been intense. We're supposed to be in our slow season right now, but for whatever reason, the world hasn't gotten that memo, so it's been as busy as ever. Not something I can really complain about because it's good to be busy, especially in this economy - but dang it, if I wasn't looking for a bit of a break! My secondary jobs have also picked up - my burlesque show is going really well, packing big houses in every week which is fantastic and I am so pleased about, and my work with my other theatre company in town has also increased with our annual benefit coming up this weekend and casting for the second show in our next season happening next week. Every other spare second has been spent with Nikhil, discovering our common ground and loving every second of it.
So life is great right? Well, it is - except that I feel oddly out of balance. I was able to drop all the holiday weight gain fairly quickly, but now the scale is stuck again, which I always take to mean that I'm overcoming some sort of mental hump - and here it is: I'm HANKERING for some ME time! ALONE!
I'm behind on my reading, my blogging, behind on my house work, on my trashy television and cooking new recipes, behind on my "personal maintenance" - my toes look like a piranha got at my last pedicure, and I'm pretty sure my cats think that the hairless ape who feeds them doesn't live in their house anymore. I miss my singledom!
So I called a day of radio silence. I messaged Nikhil early this morning and said I needed a day to myself and that I would talk to him tomorrow. And let me tell you - it took everything in my being to do that. See - I am quite a fan of our little love notes back and forth over gmail chat all day long. I'm also a big fan of talking to him at night before I go to bed. And given the choice, I would probably choose being attached to his hip 24/7 right about now. Yeah - I'm a big fan of his in general.
But guess what? I'm also a big fan of me. And me needs some attention right now. Cause what happens when I negate my needs? I eat. Plain and simple. And my calorie counter for the past couple of weeks is indicating that I am doing JUST that. Only by a couple hundred extra calories a day. But that counts. And the scale shows it.
So today I am taking time for myself. Without the constant messaging all day long, I have been able to knock EVERYTHING off my work "To Do" list that has been stressing me out all week. And now I'm writing a blog - something I haven't had time for since last week. Tonight I'm cuing up some trashy television, a good book, and my home pedicure kit - cause seriously, something has GOT to be done about these feet! I'm going to cook myself a lovely dinner with leftovers for tomorrow's lunch and cuddle with my cats - who will still look at me like the hairless alien ape that I am. But that's ok cause I still love them. And then I'm going to go to bed early, get a good, full night's sleep and wake up early tomorrow and go for a good, long run.
Am I thinking about Nikhil? - umm, yes. A lot. I've been so tempted to message him ALL DAY LONG, but I'm not doing it. Cause today is about me. And furthermore, I will resist the urge to recap every single thing that I did/do today to him the next time I do talk to him. Because I am a person that needs to have things that are just mine. And it's kind of fun to know that I have my own life, and he has his own life, and neither one of us really knows what the other person is doing right now. I can do whatever I want today and it's ALL MINE and no one else has to know. That's freedom. And such a great feeling. And with the weight of my work stress off my shoulders for another day, I know that I am really going to enjoy it that much more.
I know it sounds crazy, but it has taken me a long time to develop this mode of thinking that I can put down my relationship for a day and not be worried that he might leave me because of it. I am allowed to have my own life. In fact, I am expected to. I am a more interesting and better person in our relationship because of it. But I have never felt that before. I have always believed that I needed to give over 100% of myself to the other person to make it work, and that any problems in the relationship were caused by my need to assert myself. So I avoided self-assertion. Big mistake. By handing over my whole soul and being to another person I was doing nothing but making myself more upset and bigger since I would eat to solve my self-assertion issues, and that only served to cause bigger problems and rifts in the relationship. Not a very healthy way to live. Honestly - it's so much easier, not to mention more relaxing, to just go give yourself a pedicure once in a while! Besides which, I wouldn't ever want him to feel like he can't take his own time to himself too when he needs it. In fact - I hope he wants it often, cause then I get more time to catch up on that aforementioned tv!
I feel lighter already.