Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The journey of a thousand miles, or 70lbs…
A year ago, I was at 187lbs and I bought a fabulous dress in a size 8 in hopes of wearing it at my son’s high school graduation in June 2011. A month after buying the dress I was laid off…hey, extra time to really get fit right? Nope!
Today I posted the picture of my son and me at graduation, and corrected my weight information to try and get myself back on track. I have to live with that picture of me and my son, and I am so disappointed. It was a beautiful day, and I convinced myself I loved the new larger dress I ended up buying, but when I saw that photo, I just wanted to cry.
At one point after my divorce (2006), I was down to 170lbs (my heaviest while married that I know of was 245, could have been more). In 8 months I went from 187lbs to 210lbs (weighed this morning). I know I was actually heavier than that in the green dress picture.
So, after beating myself up for gaining the weight, putting myself in the position of having nothing to wear for a job interview should I get one, punishing myself by no longer dating and not going out with friends, I logged back into SparkPeople. I looked around, looked at all the time that had lapsed since I last logged in…and logged off. Sat on the couch some more, read another book (note: I stopped counting in December when I had read my 75th novel since my unemployment...no kidding).
I had broken all my rules from when I had first lost weight: tracking daily calories, not wearing elastic waist pants, stepping on the scale regularly, drinking water, getting regular exercise.
I was frustrated and miserable and kept telling everyone I was fine. One day I admitted most of this to my friend Candy, who has done amazing on SparkPeople. I told her how proud I was of her and I truly meant it. She reminded me I was the one who showed her SparkPeople, but I never really took to it like she did. She encouraged me to give it another try. I gave a lot of thought to what she said…read some more novels.
Finally I decided enough was enough when I realized that my athlete daughter is gaining weight and I’m supplying the food that is allowing it…leading her into my bad habits, and that I need to get us both out of it. She will exercise if I exercise. If she sees me putting on my walking shoes, she asks if she can join me. She eats what I prepare, and if I don’t buy processed foods and junk, she won’t eat it because it won’t be in the house. By helping myself I am helping my daughter, and that is my job as her mother. I had lost sight of that and became the parent who taught her child that food is a reward and that food can make you feel better.
I came back to SparkPeople and started all over again. Using the nutrition tracker, using the fitness tracker, but also this time using the whole site. A big step was reading blogs and really listening to everyone’s story. Learning that I am not unique, that so many people have a similar story and that I can recommit. There is no shame in saying I failed, if I am honestly willing to start over. That it is never too late to try again.