Monday, July 11, 2011
I thought I was back before, but it seems I was just stopping by. I can't promise that it is any different now, except I want to start logging my food intake for a while again and this is the best place to do it.
I am not sure how much I am eating now but I am sure that it is more than before. Now, considering some of those days gone by, that is a good thing. And considering that I decided I was in maintenance I needed to up the calories a bit. BUT, I think I have gone past maintaining and into gaining. I was at 159 for a very long time. Now I fluctuate between 161 and 164. I am not totally unhappy with that but I feel like if I cannot get back to 159 it is a slip away from where I need to be, a slip away down a long and difficult gaining slide, a slip into failure.... again. So, to start I am going to log my food for a while... not making changes yet, just getting a sense of how bad I have gotten. Then I will know where I need to make changes.
Of course I already know some of the changes I need to make. I need to cut back on the "treats" I have begun to allow myself daily. Now and then is okay. I planned on enjoying myself and my eating and was willing to accept a slightly higher weight to do it. However, I am feeling a pinch out of control and that more than anything is what I need to get a handle on. Allowing a treat is one thing, not being able to stop myself is another thing entirely.
The other change I need is to get regular exercise back into my life. I exercise sporadically and none of it high intensity like my tread mill. I know that if I just got back into that exercise habit the food choices would not matter as much because I would be burning so many more calories. And it is the exercise I am having the biggest problem with.
I have always said that I would not do plastic surgery but I must confess that after I got used to this new body, and started enjoying new clothes I am beginning to think about a tummy tuck (a pannulectomy.) I have actually seen two plastic surgeons. One suggested the pannulectomy and the other a tummy tuck with a full upside down T cut. I don't want that much scarring though so if I decide to move forward it will be the pannulectomy involving the upper and lower flaps of skin. My insurance will not cover it though so I need to decide if I want to spend that much money on "vanity." There is a part of me that hates seeing that flap hanging over my size small pants and there is another part that says, hell, that is minor, remember what it USED to be?? I don't know. My husband says he will support whatever I decide to do as long as I don't turn into Phyllis Diller or Joan Rivers. I laugh but then I think about it... well, there are the flapping arms, the turkey wattle neck, it would be easy to want to fix everything. When does it stop? Will I be satisfied if the tummy flap is gone or will I just start looking at the arms, or neck or legs.
Oh well, this is quite a ramble. I needed to connect with Spark and cnnect with my thoughts about what I really want and where I want to go. Re-motivate and re-imagine!