A Need to Find Myself Again.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I haven't posted a blog in over a year, and thought it was a good day to start again.
My weight has ballooned to all time high. I am afraid to get on the scale but the "new" fat clothes I bought a couple of months ago are beginning to to not fit.
I feel I have hit an all time new low. My house is never clean and I can't seem to get caught up with my business orders. The only thing I feel I have a handle on is taking care of my kids.
My marriage has been on the rocks for about a year now. We seem to be fighting our way back together and I am cautiously optimistic. Our 30th anniversary is in August so we have had ups and downs before but it had never been so bad as the past year.
I am ready to find myself, but I really am unsure how to go about it. My self esteem has never been lower. The fact that I recognize this problem has been no help to me. I have made a goal of telling myself everyday that I am worth something. Part of this goal will require me to believe it. That will be the hard part.
My husband is a great at sabotaging my efforts. He doesn't even understand that he does it. He likes to have a martini every night and wants me to join him. If I resist and say I am watching my calories, he says that a drink isn't the cause of my weight and it won't make a difference. I have given up fighting with him about this and struggle to fit the extra calories into my day.
That said, I want so badly to gain control over my life. I am worth it.