Saturday, July 09, 2011
I'm so frustrated! I just spent the past 1 and a half hours balancing my checkbook and trying to figure out how to pay my bills. Which ones I can hold off paying until my next payday, which ones need to be paid, not too mention things that are already late. It didn't help that I had to drop down a nice chunk of change to feed the fam. this week. Every time I balance my checkbook I get like this, I'm sure 80% of Americans feel the same way. I get so anxious, irritated and angry that I can't seem to escape this pattern of struggling to pay the bills. My goal is to be able to pay everything by its due date (and i don't mean the 5 day grace period most companies allow you). It never seems to happen though. And not to sound childish and whiny (I know it is going to though), but it would be nice to have a little extra once in a while to buy some clothes (mine are bordering on death) and shoes. I haven't had my hair done in over 2 years (its totally down to my butt). I'm grateful for my job, for my home, for my car (as old and beat up as it is). I grateful I have clothes and food in my cupboards. I know that there a millions of people out there with a lot less and for what little I do have I am truly grateful for. I guess sometimes I just get tired. It's like drowning. You either sink or learn to swim, but that struggle to keep your head above water is just exhausting. I'm only 26, and I know how dramatic this is going to sound, but sometimes I get this dreadful feeling that it doesn't get better. And to wrap this up in my desire to lose weight, I feel that I have used food to deal with these anxieties. Whenever I feeling anxious about something it causes this knotted feeling in my stomach, sometimes accompanied my nausea and there's nothing like a milkshake and fries to push through that knot and give me something else to think about (like "I really shouldn't have eaten that"). I always find I go for the carbs at this point. Recognizing this habit in myself doesn't really make it any easier to stop though.
Well, for anyone who happens to read this I apologize for it's pessimistic, whiny tone. I know that this feeling will pass as it always does.