Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Oh hi Sparkerson. You again. Heh. You're all svelte and thin, bragging about the hot men following you around, your dynamic career, your amazing life. OF COURSE you ran 15 miles before work today. OF COURSE you haven't eaten out of your calorie range in a month. OF COURSE you had steamed veggies and grilled fruit to celebrate your birthday. Damn Sparkleson.
Oh how motivating you are! Your one liners and 'go for it' quips. What do you know about going for it? What do you know about wearing worn out workout clothes because you can never find any to fit at the store? What do you know about eating so much it hurts and then eating more because you're pissed off at yourself?
Yeah, I am having a bad day. There were treats at the office so I had three brownies and no one talks to me at the gym and I look like a total dork running as slow as I do. I can't lift the body weight of my yorkie let alone YOU. My back hurts and neck hurts and feet hurt and actually, I *don't* love working out. I hate going to the gym and fat bulging out of my clothes. I hate going out on dates and wondering if he thinks I'm too fat for this dress. I hate walking into a work meeting and noticing immediately that I am the fattest person at the table.
Actually it has been this way my whole life. My parents encouraged me to diet. I was the last picked for teams in gym class. Finding a prom dress was a nightmare, let alone a date. Fat has defined me all my life.
It's not like *you* know anything about that.
Wait what's that? You weighed 280 pounds once, more than I do now? Your BMI was 40% and your doctor lectured you about high blood pressure? You threw up the first time you ran around the block? You couldn't fit on airplanes or amusement park rides? You didn't have a boyfriend or a date or sex for three years? You were the fat one amongst your friends left in the plus size department while everyone else went to Forever 21? You didn't get a PR job because no one wants a fat spokesperson?
But, but ... you look amazing! Your muscles are hot, and I can't believe you have washboard abs. Your boyfriend is super hot ... and your man-on-the-side hotter! Your career has taken off and you're starting your own business!
How can it be that you were THAT person?
How can it be that you were ... *ME*? That you were once in the SAME PLACE I AM.
Huh. Well gosh, thanks for taking the time to talk to me, Sparkleson. And motivate me and care about me. I can't believe you've been where I am. Guess it goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover.
I'm glad we're all in this together.