Monday, July 04, 2011
A water aerobic student/friend of mine, whom I admire very much for being very fit & in shape, asked me a tough question after class yesterday . She said that while she has heard my story & knows that I have lost over 100 pounds, she wanted to know HOW I LET MYSELF GET THAT BIG to begin with. Good question. Tough question. A question that I have asked myself over and over through the years as I have gone up and down the scale.
I really didn't know how to answer. I gained a lot of weight when I stopped drinking. In 12-step programs we call that transfering addictions. It's just another excuse. How does any SANE person get to weigh 450 pounds? Reality for me was/is what I call "DEATH BY SPOON". Self abuse. Self loathing. Emotional eating. Stress eating. It all boils down to negativity in the long run.
Someone I really love & admire made a comment to me back in the fall. It has been eating at me ever since. He said that I had a "martyr core". GOSH. Is that right? In 12-step programs we are told that when something bothers us it must ring true & it is something that we need to work on. That statement has been gnawing at me since he said it. I don't know what to do with it. Is the stress of that partially responsible for my plateau? I have only lost 9 pounds since Jan 2011. Am I punishing myself again? Do I need to head back to the therapist?
This is NOT supposed to be a negative blog. Today is July the 4th. In America it is the celebration of our Freedom! Today I am celebrating the freedom that I have found from the bondage of uncontrolled emotional eating! I am a survivor! I haven't come this far to give up now! I am NOT going to commit DEATH BY SPOON! I am NOT going to give up or give in. It doesn't matter what other people think about me or assume to be true about me. I am what I am and who I am and I will lift my head and celebrate it. I will try harder & beat myself up less. I will STOP giving in to negative thinking! I will NOT allow others to define who I am. Let Freedom Ring!
Yes, I suffer from depression. Yes, I have a lot of stress in my life. Yes, I need to be tougher and to use tough love on many of those folks in my life. Yes, I could do better. TODAY... I proclaim here & now that I am NOT going to give in to negativity! I will not allow darkness to envelope the Spark that I have found. I will nurse that Spark along until it blazes brighter than ever and I am able to find my way off this plateau & out of this "funk" that I have been in lately. I will make better choices for myself & I will stand up a little bit taller every day. I am worth it. I deserve it. SO DO YOU!!!!!
Today... take a look at yourself and your life. Embrace the freedoms that you have. Most importantly, remember that you have the FREEDOM TO CHOOSE! Choose good health! Choose to eat healthy & to exercise. Choose to track your food & fitness. Choose to spread the spark instead of hiding in the darkness of depression & despair. LET FREEDOM RING!
Happy 4th of July everyone... thanks for asking the tough questions! Remember to count your blessings! Love, Dawn