Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Been struggling a LOT with my identity and borderline personality disorder lately. My poor boyfriend (unofficial fiancee, really, we know we're getting married someday) is a lifesaver - pretty much literally. He's had to go through episodes of me self-mutilating and he cleans up all the blood. Right now, my right thigh is absolutely covered in cuts that are healing, as well as my left arm, and Shawn says it looks like I stepped out of a horror movie. The irony is that things have been getting worse and worse because of my self-esteem and my appearance and weight endeavors.
I go to bed every night confident about facing the day ahead, but the morning is when I'm at my weakest, and so my attitude is very different come the morning hours. I am tired, I have about fifty bowls of cereal, then I just want to go back to sleep. After that, my confidence is pretty much shot. I need to get out of this cycle.
How can I feel like I want something so badly and yet not be able to get myself under control? Do I subconsciously want to stay this way, and if so, why? I used to use my weight to keep people from getting close - and I got what I wanted. I now have an amazing person in my life who I KNOW loves me regardless of what I look like. So, now that that's out of the way - what's stopping me? The dream is, in a couple years when I get married, to be at my goal weight, have my hair grown out and feel like an adult. And feel beautiful. I want to know what being a "normal" (whatever that means) girl feels like. Don't get me wrong, I love that I'm different and unique, but at the same time, there's a line. Do I want my boyfriend to be able to run his hands through my hair? Yes, but he can't, because I chopped it off during a panic attack and it's shorter than his is. Do I want to be able to smile brightly as I try on "cute clothes" that a twenty-year old such as myself is supposed to be enjoying right now? Of course. I feel like I have a window of my "fun, attractive" years that are leaving, and I'm worried that I won't be able to enjoy them.
I need to physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, EVERYTHING, get consolidated and work towards health in those respects. It's hard to do anything but sleep and watch television. My doctor has me on a nice cocktail of medications and it's being adjusted constantly, and my family/insurance can't pay for counseling for me, with treatments that could be effective for my borderline disorder.
I want to feel pretty. I want to feel like a real girl. I want to feel like I deserve the person I'm with. I want to have a life. I want to achieve goals. I want to have a future. I want to be positive. I want to CHANGE. So, if I want to change, and it's all I can think about pretty much all day, every day - why aren't I actually making it happen?
If someone could....tell me what to do.....that would be great.