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I feel lost. Please help me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Been struggling a LOT with my identity and borderline personality disorder lately. My poor boyfriend (unofficial fiancee, really, we know we're getting married someday) is a lifesaver - pretty much literally. He's had to go through episodes of me self-mutilating and he cleans up all the blood. Right now, my right thigh is absolutely covered in cuts that are healing, as well as my left arm, and Shawn says it looks like I stepped out of a horror movie. The irony is that things have been getting worse and worse because of my self-esteem and my appearance and weight endeavors.

I go to bed every night confident about facing the day ahead, but the morning is when I'm at my weakest, and so my attitude is very different come the morning hours. I am tired, I have about fifty bowls of cereal, then I just want to go back to sleep. After that, my confidence is pretty much shot. I need to get out of this cycle.

How can I feel like I want something so badly and yet not be able to get myself under control? Do I subconsciously want to stay this way, and if so, why? I used to use my weight to keep people from getting close - and I got what I wanted. I now have an amazing person in my life who I KNOW loves me regardless of what I look like. So, now that that's out of the way - what's stopping me? The dream is, in a couple years when I get married, to be at my goal weight, have my hair grown out and feel like an adult. And feel beautiful. I want to know what being a "normal" (whatever that means) girl feels like. Don't get me wrong, I love that I'm different and unique, but at the same time, there's a line. Do I want my boyfriend to be able to run his hands through my hair? Yes, but he can't, because I chopped it off during a panic attack and it's shorter than his is. Do I want to be able to smile brightly as I try on "cute clothes" that a twenty-year old such as myself is supposed to be enjoying right now? Of course. I feel like I have a window of my "fun, attractive" years that are leaving, and I'm worried that I won't be able to enjoy them.

I need to physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, EVERYTHING, get consolidated and work towards health in those respects. It's hard to do anything but sleep and watch television. My doctor has me on a nice cocktail of medications and it's being adjusted constantly, and my family/insurance can't pay for counseling for me, with treatments that could be effective for my borderline disorder.

I want to feel pretty. I want to feel like a real girl. I want to feel like I deserve the person I'm with. I want to have a life. I want to achieve goals. I want to have a future. I want to be positive. I want to CHANGE. So, if I want to change, and it's all I can think about pretty much all day, every day - why aren't I actually making it happen?

If someone could....tell me what to do.....that would be great.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I don't know if you still log on here, but I saw your post in DBTFG. I'm a recovered self injurer and I know what it's like when you feel that you cannot release anguish unless it's by hurting yourself. I found distraction through crafting hobbies.

    I don't have any advice about doctors, or treatment. but I do know of a website that helped me immensely with distractions when I needed it, or a message board to post on for support when I stopped SI. http://buslist.org/phpBB/ BUS stands for Bodies Under Siege, and has support for all forms of self injury including eating disorders. It's a trigger free zone in most cases, and nobody will be rude or unkind in any way. It's a complete support zone, which is comforting to a shy lurker like me.

    You deserve to be happy, and make your dreams come true. Whether it's growing out your hair, feeling like a "real" girl, or skydiving. You CAN make your dreams come true. Take it one day at a time, and good luck. If you ever need anything, you're welcome to contact me. We sound a lot alike.
    2419 days ago
    Give yoga a try. It really soothes the mind and brings inner peace. In your case that would be a great place to start. Wishing you well.
    2451 days ago
    First of all, all of these people are right. You ARE beautiful. And congratulations for hanging on, it's really really hard sometimes.

    I stopped cutting over two years ago when I promised my boyfriend I would (we are very lucky girls). At the time, I didn't care anything about myself, but I thought he deserved a better and healthier girlfriend, so I did it for him, as wrong as it is. I think you're past that though if you're asking for help. Anyway, promising him forced me to stop blacking out my behavior, become aware of it. I had to process things and wait it out. Picking up a pen and journal helps. Some other things that help (me, at least) include stress balls, angry music, and the thing that used to work all the time--running. Now don't get me wrong, I don't like running. But whenever I had a panic attack, or began to black out, and my fight-or-flight instinct came into play, I chose flight and ran. Just got rid of all that adrenaline. I think it lets your body catch up to the pace your mind is going and restores some sort of equilibrium, but I could be wrong. Anyway, you don't have to run. You can walk, dance, do yoga, anything that helps you release that awful tension and energy when you feel it coming on. Sooner or later, you will feel it coming and be able to stop it. You may not stop thinking about it for awhile--it's still in the back of my mind sometimes--but you can stop, and I have faith that you will.

    As for counseling, I went to a state-funded program with a sliding-fee scale and I loved my counselors. They were wonderful. I only had to pay $10 a week, and because they got medication samples from lots of different companies, I didn't have to pay for that, either. They also had a social worker who helped me get medical stuff because I didn't have insurance at the time. I don't know if all states have it, but I dialed 211 for the information. You can also go online and search. I'll even do it for you if you like.

    As for the morning stuff, I have a few ideas. Make your bed as soon as you get out of it, and maybe you won't want to climb back in. Eat some fruit with your cereal--I read somewhere that apples have more healthy, natural sugar than coffee has caffeine. And maybe take a walk, pop in a workout DVD or hit the gym. I know it sounds crazy, but exercise is the best mood regulator I've ever had--and trust me, I've been on my fair share. Also, you're more likely to exercise if you make time to do so in the morning.

    If you feel more confident at night, find something to wear then and lay out your clothes, accessories, purse, shoes, everything. Are you still wearing your wig? Style it at night. You'll have more time and you might just have fun. You may second-guess yourself in the morning, but it still takes some anxiety out of it.

    I think a lot of what you're experiencing weight-loss wise is just the same mental blocks we all get. Mine is that I don't want to admit it'll actually take work to lose weight. But a lot of people are just afraid of what'll happen if they lose weight. And that's totally understandable--we're all scared of the unknown. It could be that you are still afraid to let people in, more than just your one boyfriend. I know I get scared sometimes that people will change toward me if I lose weight. Everyone's got their own demons. But trust me, we all have something.

    More than anything, keep reaching out. We're here---and we're not going anywhere.

    2453 days ago
    I wish you much success for a bright and happy future. It is there waiting for you, GO FOR IT! Take care, and BEST WISHES in reaching all of your goals.

    2453 days ago
  • CECE0330
    Everyone has offered some really great advice, and while I can't relate to exactly what you are going through, I CAN tell you that being physically active has changed my MENTAL outlook for the better. I mean waaaaaaaay better. There's just something about those endorphins that changes everything. So I guess my advice would be what has helped me: Fake it til You Make it. Even if it's the hardest thing in the world to do, MAKE yourself get some type of physical exercise, even if it's just a walk with your BF. I'm not saying it's going to make everything better, but it's FREE, and worth a shot!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Hang in there, it WILL get better.
    2453 days ago
    Just by posting this, by reaching out for any and all help you can find, you are moving toward your goal. You are worthy of success and good things and you will get them but with your emotional issues, it will be harder. But you CAN and WILL do it. One baby step at a time.

    While I don't understand your particular emotional struggles (since everyone is different) I do understand the cutting. I used to rely on it myself. What helped me was channeling those feelings (that made me want to cut) into a journal (where I could write out whatever the feelings were, be they mean and nasty or whiney or whatever). Did it "cure" me? Nope. I still want to cut but now I can discuss why in the journal and usually it helps (and I haven't cut in a very long time). I also saw how much it hurt my spouse (when I cut) and the pain I inflicted on him (by cutting) wasn't worth they relief I felt when I cut. (and here's a silly tip that did help me a little--instead of using a sharp implement, I'd use a marker--then I could see the mark on my skin and get the feeling of doing the cutting but didn't get the wounds--it wasn't exactly as relieving as cutting but combined with the journaling it helped).

    I agree with all the comments saying to find one little goal and work toward it. So if you're really down over the "eating too much cereal and going back to bed" then start just by understanding how much you really are eating. Pour the bowl as full as you normally would THEN measure the contents and see how many servings it is (and calories). Just pausing to take that small step (of learning what you're eating) might slow you down so you don't have a second bowl. Do the "pause and measure" thing for a week or so (without fretting over how "bad" you are for how much you ate--just be honest with what you ate). Then once you see your pattern, trim it back a bit at a time by having a more nutritious (less junky) cereal OR slowly trimming back the protion.

    YOU CAN DO THIS. You know you can and you know there are people who are cheering you on (your significant other and all us internet strangers who understand what a challenge weight loss really is).
    2453 days ago
  • REEKU731
    I read an interesting quote the other day - it stated "people that are afraid of being overweight are the ones most prone to overeating". And it got me thinking about the true definition of fear - fear is something that prevents you from reaching your goals in any aspect of your life.

    If you want something, but can't seem to allow yourself to be motivated to attain such a gift (long hair, healthier weight/lifestyle) your brain can often trigger a fear reaction which can lead to the panic attacks, negativity and downward spirals that are difficult to get out of. If you want a good read, pick up "Unlimited" by Jillian Michaels. Its NOT a workout book - its all about fixing the mental stuff and its an amazing read!

    Building healthier habits is the only way you are truly able to change for the long term - and if you need to seek out professional help, then don't be afraid to go to a counselor. You are going to need to start out small, but teach yourself to celebrate your little victories. I've been there - I know its a crappy way to exist, I went through addiction, eating disorders and excessive insomnia - I know what its like to feel like you have no other way out. It took me a long time to turn that around - but once you do, its worth all the effort you put into it!

    My hubby was a huge catalyst for helping in my recovery and it sounds like your BF is the same for you. If there are days when you don't have strength, use some of his. Ask him for help instead of resorting to injuring yourself further (mentally or physically). You are truly entitled to live an amazing life - you just need to allow yourself to be open to it and repeatedly tell yourself that you really are worth it!

    If you need anything or want any support - I am always here for you my friend!

    2453 days ago
    You are a very beautiful girl. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Your weight does not define you. Your weight does NOT make you unworthy of ANYTHING!

    I'm sorry you're struggling so much and I wish there was something I could say that would help. The only advice I could offer would be to get counseling. I know in my area there are centers that offer counseling for those in need - free of charge or discounted or whatnot. Where there's a will, there's a way -- find a way to go to counseling. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!


    - Michelle
    2453 days ago
    Talia, you can get counseling, and if the medications that your doctor is prescribing aren't enough, you need to get counseling.

    SlimmerKiwi had some really good ideas with regard to that. Contact the nearest university with a hospital and ask what kind of services they offer. Many times, you can get really inexpensive sessions with a student who is being supervised by a professional. Also, if the person you're seeing for medication is a GP, try visiting a psychiatrist and see if they have any interest in talk therapy. I had a psychiatrist for a long time that would schedule me for 45 minute sessions for medication maintenance when we were really talking. My insurance would have covered a separate professional, but I was happy to have one-stop shopping. It would have been a lifesaver if my insurance hadn't covered that.

    Tell us where you live. We can help you look for options. But don't not look because you feel like it's hopeless. It's really not.
    2453 days ago
    Such a beautiful girl to have such heavy duti struggles.
    This advice sounds pretty plain. . . . . but there are simple things you can do.

    Get up - - - - dress up - - - - -get out.... MEANS get out of bed... get your clothes on... and get out of the house into the sunshine and fresh air. You will probably profit more from that than most other things you are doing right now.

    Get some oatmeal, some almond milk... add some fruit or nuts.. and only eat ONE BOWL and then go for a 30 minute walk. Around the block - down the street - across down, but DO start walking and getting some exercise. I think this might help you get the juices flowing to a healthy lifestyle.

    Good Luck Talia..................Please read some of these notes and........ let us know how you are doing after you have tried some of these.. ok??

    2453 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/30/2011 12:25:36 AM
    I am so sorry you are struggling but you need to stop thinking you are not pretty-- You are beautiful and so worth the effort!! I am sorry you do not see that.. Juat take it one day at a time! Each day that you tell yourself "I LOVE YOU" will make you want to treat your body better.. YOU can do it!~

    2453 days ago
    My Sweet - my heart goes out to you! I look at your photos and regardless of weight, I see an incredibly beautiful young woman. By reading your blog, I see a young woman who is obviously in an emotional turmoil - a roller coaster!

    Have you asked your Dr (?Psychiatrist) if there is a therapist in your area who specializes in the type of therapy that you need who can provide it for free, OR at a much reduced rate? Sometimes you can access them free from University Hospitals, too, so if you live near one, phone them and ask. Another thing you could do is to phone the American Mental Health Association and ask if they can recommend someone near you who can provide this service for free or a nominal fee.

    You can also phone 911 or get your BF to take you to an Emergency Department when you are feeling bad. Below is a link for you to copy/paste into your browser. It will take you to the Dealing with Depression page with 24/7 phone numbers - the call takers are usually extremely helpful with various information and support. Print it out and keep it with you. One day your self-harm COULD end up in an unintentional suicide if you don't act.


    There are a couple things that you can do for yourself. You mention eating loads of cereal then going back to bed. Take a look at that cereal. Is it a healthy version - i.e. high fibre, low sugar? Things like Oats or a real good quality wholegrain bread with peanut butter on it is a good choice - not only for weight, but also for the brain. Hopefully you are eating lots of fruit and veges and an adequate amount of good protein. These will also help with your weight AND your mental health issues. Exercise is the other thing. I know it is really hard to get started, BUT if instead of going back to bed, you went for a brisk 10 minute or 1/4 hr walk to start with, you will find that it will help your weight AND your emotions. The brisk walking helps the "feel-good" chemicals in the brain. In time you may find that you can increase the walk to 20 minutes or 1/2 hr or more. It all starts with the FIRST step, which IS actually the hardest one.

    Your friends on SP are here for you, every step of the way - particularly your family in the Dealing with Depression team.

    Take VERY good care of yourself - YOU DESERVE IT!

    2453 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/29/2011 11:46:43 PM
    Rock bottom is sometimes what it takes to change. The definition of "rock bottom" and when that happens is all up to you. I'm sorry.
    2453 days ago
  • TDL5685
    I can't tell you I know how you feel because I don't understand how difficult it must be for you with such serious medical things going on. Exercise is supposed to be so great for us physically but emotional and mentally as well, it's said to help lower stress, combat depression, give us more energy (I wish we all enjoyed it as much as some people). Maybe if you made just one goal like getting out of bed as soon as your alarm goes off, throwing on some sneakers and hitting the pavement, before breakfast or anything else. Set out your sneakers and workout outfit right by the bed the night before so you don't have to hunt anything down in the morning (we don't need any extra discouragement) and don't even give yourself time to question it. Make it a goal to be out of the house not later than 10min after you wake up. Even if you only walk for 15min, you'll have set and accomplished a goal as the first thing in the morning and that can't help but give you something positive to think about for the rest of the day.

    Please keep blogging I look forward to hearing how your doing.
    2453 days ago
    i agree, start with daily goals, then weekly goals, and monthly goals...etc. The more you accomplish, the more confident you get. They don't even have to be huge goals like maybe one could be tell yourself you are beautiful in the morning, go one day without cutting yourself, etc.
    2453 days ago
    I agree with YINETTV no one can tell you what to do but my suggestion for the whole motivated at night but no in the morning thing is to keep a journal or diary. Write down how you feel that night and all of your ambitions for the next day. (I usually put stars next to the ones I really want/need to do). When you wake up read your entry try and remember exactly how you felt.
    You are beautiful just how you are and can do anything that you put your mind to. Also remember to smile. It makes you feel better. :)
    2453 days ago
    No one can tell you what to do. And my personal advice is you are beautiful and not to concentrate on things make goals that only last a day that way you build mommenta and can go for bigger longer term goals. And if his with you its because you deserve him. emoticon
    2453 days ago
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