Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Yesterday, I decided to actually start using the measurement tracker to track things other than my weight. I thought it would be a particularly good idea to keep track of my waistline, hip and thigh measurements, just so I would have some other points of reference I can look to during those times I know are likely to be coming, when the scale has stopped moving for several days and I need some sort of reasurance that what I have been doing is paying off. While I was doing that, I figured I might as well log my energy and stress levels. Hey, it was there, and it would only take a couple of seconds to do it...
This forced me to actually think about what I was feeling. I think for a long time, I have been ignoring my feelings to some degree, simply because I really haven't been feeling as low as I have at other times in my life. While I haven't been feeling extroirdinarily good, I haven't been depressed or having full blown anxiety attacks the way I did when I was younger. I think my moods have really been pretty even for at least the last couple of years.
But what I realized is that while I have gotten used to a fairly laid back lifestyle, that doesn't mean I am completely free of stress and anxiety. The old anxiety especially is still there, and lately it's been a little more...threatening? Sorry, I'm really struggling to come up with the words to describe what I'm feeling.
I know it all has to with the upcoming move and my transfer to the University of Texas at Dallas. I'm especially worried about the money. Luckily, I have a grant that covers all of my tuition, but I still have to pay for living expenses. I think I might be okay on the student loans alone, but it would be tight. I could get a workstudy job, but with the number of hours I'm going to have to take every semester just to finish my bachelors in two years, I'm really worried that adding one more thing to my schedule is going to be a recipe for disaster. I know from past experience that I have a breaking point like anybody else. I am far from being Superwoman.
I could sell my car. Since I bought a used hybrid, it has actually retained most of its value since I bought it less than two years ago. I hate driving in Dallas anyway, and both the money from the sale and the fact that I wouldn't have to pay for my insurance each month could really help out. I'd just have to stick close to campus and use public transportation for the next couple of years, and then just have to deal with the fact that I won't have a car after I graduate either. It's an option, anyway. Something to think about.
Of course, I'm also worried because I know that the classes I'm going to be taking are bound to be more academically challenging than what I've become used to at the community college I've been attending. Which is probably a good thing, but it's still scary. At Weatherford College, I've been enjoying being at the top of my class, a favorite student of many of my teachers for the simple fact that I actually do my work and take some pride in it, but I have a horrible feeling I'll be at the bottom of the heap, striving for average, at UTD.
Really, where has all my hard won self confidence gone lately? I need to get it back, and fast. Maybe getting this extra weight off again will help, but I don't think that is all it is going to take.
For anyone who is actually still reading this at this point, I know that this blog is entirely too long and probably sounds a bit confused. Again, I'm really struggling to work out what I'm feeling right now, and I just thought that blogging about it might help. There was a time when I thought blogging was a fairly useless activity. After all, why should I think a bunch of strangers would really care what I have to say? Now I realize that it's really more for myself. Not only does it help me to sort out my feelings by writing about them, it also helps to be able to look back over my past posts later on. Kind of like an online diary. Funny thing is, I've never been good at keeping diaries before. Maybe the fact that what I write here is public encourages me? Guess I'm kind of an exhibitionist after all ^_^;;