Climbing Out of the Abyss
Monday, June 27, 2011
My favorite nephew died 10 days ago. He was 26-years-old and, we thought, healthy. He was an Army medic who had just finished tours in North Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan and was stationed in Germany until he returned to uni in the fall to get a pharmacology degree.
Since my brother (his father) was having surgery and James had just gotten to Germany, they let him go home. He went to the gym, saw his family and went to bed, but never woke up.
I got this news on vacation. And, for the last 10 days I have been in a downward spiral I feared would never bottom out. I let all the healthy living tricks I'd learned in the last two years fall by the wayside and spent my days in bed, unable to focus on anything, even Wimbledon. Instead, I made a trip each day to the supermarket to buy ice cream.
Yes, for 10 days, my diet consisted of ice cream and cherries.
This morning, I decided it was time to get control of this emotional eating. Ice cream can't fill the void left by James' death. For the last several years I have written to him each day and every where I look in my house there are reminders. All sorts of crazy note paper, pages of notes about things I've seen to write to him about, his Skype and email addresses.
The reality is he was the one real link back to my family. The last few times I've seen my family was when he was home on R&R. I never missed a visit, always afraid it might be the last time I'd see him.
Why did I think eating ice cream would fill the void in my life? How could I eat until I hurt and not stop myself?
It's Monday and I need to face reality. So, I was up at my usual time, had a healthy breakfast, have done some work and am about to get in some exercise.
I managed to gain 12 pounds in 10 days. And, still, my nephew is dead.