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Climbing Out of the Abyss

Monday, June 27, 2011

My favorite nephew died 10 days ago. He was 26-years-old and, we thought, healthy. He was an Army medic who had just finished tours in North Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan and was stationed in Germany until he returned to uni in the fall to get a pharmacology degree.

Since my brother (his father) was having surgery and James had just gotten to Germany, they let him go home. He went to the gym, saw his family and went to bed, but never woke up.

I got this news on vacation. And, for the last 10 days I have been in a downward spiral I feared would never bottom out. I let all the healthy living tricks I'd learned in the last two years fall by the wayside and spent my days in bed, unable to focus on anything, even Wimbledon. Instead, I made a trip each day to the supermarket to buy ice cream.

Yes, for 10 days, my diet consisted of ice cream and cherries.

This morning, I decided it was time to get control of this emotional eating. Ice cream can't fill the void left by James' death. For the last several years I have written to him each day and every where I look in my house there are reminders. All sorts of crazy note paper, pages of notes about things I've seen to write to him about, his Skype and email addresses.

The reality is he was the one real link back to my family. The last few times I've seen my family was when he was home on R&R. I never missed a visit, always afraid it might be the last time I'd see him.

Why did I think eating ice cream would fill the void in my life? How could I eat until I hurt and not stop myself?

It's Monday and I need to face reality. So, I was up at my usual time, had a healthy breakfast, have done some work and am about to get in some exercise.

I managed to gain 12 pounds in 10 days. And, still, my nephew is dead.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry my message is late, but I want to let you know I am thinking of you at this time of sorrow.

    2417 days ago
  • PROT358
    I see my reply is rather late, but all the same I am so sorry to hear about your loss. So unexpected and so young. Wishing you comfort and strength!
    2440 days ago
    carrie, i am so sorry for your loss. hugs and prayers to you and your loved ones.
    2453 days ago
  • OBOIST61
    So deeply sorry for your loss.
    2454 days ago
    Carrie, I am so sorry for your loss, words cannot really express how sad it is that your nephew has passed away so suddenly. When shocks come out of the blue like this its hard to maintain any sense of reality, we are human after all. You have great friends and a close support system, remember to grab hold of it when you need it. Thanks for the offer to be BB advisor. Hang in there emoticon
    2454 days ago
    Carrie, I am so sorry. Please don't be hard on yourself for slipping into some old comfort habits in this terrible time. I think it's great that you pulled out of it so quickly--focus on that success rather than on the fact that you slipped in the first place.

    We are all here for you! emoticon
    2454 days ago
  • LICIA4608
    Carrie, I know words cannot heal your pain, but know that we are all sending you love and positive thoughts. Anything you need, we are here. You are one of the incredible people I know, strong, and wonderful. You can take control of your life again. Be gentle with yourself.
    2455 days ago
  • KIKI515
    Carrie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your nephew was lucky to have you as an aunt; you always spoke of him with such love.
    2455 days ago

    Words just don't say easily what I'd like to express.
    2456 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. I too understand the need to find comfort in food.
    2456 days ago
    I was just asking 4A-HEALTHY-BMI how you were doing when we met this past weekend in Owego...realizing it had been a while since hearing from you.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and SO understand the urge to turn to food for comfort, for filling the void. AND the recriminations!

    Glad to hear you're getting back behind the wheel of your car!

    Take gentle care of yourself,

    2456 days ago
    Carrie, I am so sorry for your loss!! Hang in there. Give yourself a chance to grieve and know that your friends are behind you. emoticon
    2456 days ago
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