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    NOSUGARADDED87   11,848
SparkPoints
10,000-14,999 SparkPoints
 
 
Fears

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I am afraid of many things. Spiders (KILL IT, KILL IT!), death, failure....you know, the usuals.

I am also terribly afraid of what people think of me. I try so hard not to care. I really do. Inevitably, the harsh critic within will begin to imagine what the absolute worst is that they could think, and then I begin to believe it as the truth. Oh, what a vicious cycle it is. It is painful. I shut myself out of society because I am afraid of what society may think. But this isn't the truth. Society doesn't care all that much about one solitary person. How selfish of me to think that it would.

I have been staying inside more and more often. To begin with, I have nothing purposeful to do. I don't have much of a job outside of the house, rarely have access to the car (boyfriend works full time, and odd hours), and I have lots of housework to do inside. Plus, the weather here is ridiculous and depressing--it is cloudy and rainy all the time.

I asked a friend (awesome user SEMINOLE_CHERRY, also a real-life friend) for a pep talk very late last night. "Please," I begged. "Please convince me to go outside tomorrow." She tried hard, and I give her credit for that. That motivation lasted until about noon today, but it was raining all morning, so I couldn't go for a walk then. Thanks for the effort, SEMINOLE_CHERRY....I do heartily appreciate it!!!

I needed another boost, and SEMINOLE_CHERRY was still asleep (I'm 6 hours ahead of her). I took to the "PANIC" button on SP's message boards. I put out another plea, hoping that someone else has felt this way. Boy, did I get a response! They listened to what I had to say, and gave me wonderful suggestions. By this time, the sun had FINALLY come out, and knowing the varying temperament of Lorraine weather, I knew that this may be my only chance. I still felt a little uneasy about going outside "just to walk" (which no one does here), so I decided to take the glass to the recycling bins on the next street, just to have a "purpose". It felt really good to start walking, so I dropped the bucket (where we keep the glass) at home, and went up the street.

I found a street that I hadn't noticed before, and walked down it. There were large, beautiful homes that I had never known about. I found at least three dairies (and I thought this town was *small*! ha!). Get this-- I even saw a man running! People *do* exercise for the heck of it here! That route ended up being a big square, and I ended up just down the street from my house. I wasn't ready to go home yet, though! I kept walking and turned down another street that I had never investigated. In the end, I made one gigantic figure-8. When I got back to my street, I still wasn't *quite* finished walking, so I walked one street over and made another circle.

All total, I walked a bit over 3km and it took me 35 minutes. I said hi to a few people that I had never seen before, and everyone waved. I even spoke to a woman who asked for directions (unfortunately, I had no idea which road she was talking about, but I was conversing in French, so it was nice. She thanked me anyway).

Overall it was a wonderful experience. I hope to go for a walk again tomorrow if the clouds cooperate. My boyfriend will return home tomorrow night from a 3-day work-related training, so I plan to walk before he gets home.

I know that I will still struggle with walking in public, but today just made me feel really good. I conquered a fear!

Oh, and before I went walking, I only had one point left before my next SparkPoints Trophy. Logging this exercise got me to Level 7!!! My trophy is so pretty!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLAIREINPARIS 6/30/2011 8:49AM

    I also have some fears, and I am trying to conquer them! So, GOOD for you, I know it is hard!!! What you did is GREAT. One step at a time... I agree with Manmeet4 that working would make a big difference (even part time or volunteer) as it would help you to make new friends. I really hope you can meet some nice new people there - and why not a walking or cycling buddy? :)

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MANMEET4 6/26/2011 12:36PM

    I felt exactly the way you do. I was home for a year and I refused to go out and was extremely worried about what people will think of me. Starting work changed everything for me. I met alot of people with whom I was very comfortable with and slowly my fear of people judging me started receding. Am sure you can do it too!! So proud that you went for a walk.. Just keep going. emoticon

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