Thursday, June 23, 2011
well where do I start. ::heavy sigh:: I have been on a 6 month long roller coaster ride it seems, and I seriously want to get off now.
I hit 162 back in December of 2010 and decided that I still wanted to get down to at least 150. I figured hey 12 pounds wont be hard, give me a few months and I will be there. It unfortunately has not proven to be as easy as I thought. I really don't know what my problem is. I do really great for a week, maybe two and then destroy all my hard work with over eating, nibbling and even binges. I have never binged (I hope I am spelling that right) in my entire weight loss journey in the last two years.... but now I do. I go in the kitchen and I'm a little munchy and then I find myself standing in front of a cabinet stuffing stuff into my mouth in a very fast pace.... The things that are going through my mind... "you shouldn't be eating this.... I will do better tomorow.... This is why you don't lose weight.... You are going to gain everything back if you keep doing this.... but it tastes so good"
by the time I am done eating a hand full of chips here, a spray of cool whip there, a few of the kids cookies, left overs, ect ect ect.... I have polished off close to 1000 extra calories I'm sure. Then I go and sit and feel bad about myself and try and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and I will get my but back on track.
Then I do push myself hard for a number of days... I feel good about myself, although I am tired.
I have found myself in the last few months bouncing between anywhere from 164 down to 155 pounds. up and down up and down. I tend to mostly stay right around 160 though.... once I get to 155 I find it very hard to maintain that before I bounce up again. I am currently at about 160.
I find it hard to admit that I am having so many problems, I have stopped logging on to spark people, updating my status as much, responding to emails. People on here look up to me so much and are inspired by me and most days I don't feel like I deserve it. I know I know I should look at what I have accomplished... I should focus on the fact that I have lost over 100 pounds. Not many people can say they have done that.... and the fact that I even complain about the last 10 pounds makes me feel like I sound vain and unappreciative of how far I have come.
I know that losing the last 10 pound though... most likely wont make me happy. I have set it in my mind that it will... but deep down I know it wont make any difference at all. I am horribly unhappy with my body the way it is now. No clothes fit right, I sit down and have this huge overhang of skin that comes over my pants and gives me a muffin top, I look in the mirror naked and I still have the same rolls of fat on my stomach.... even though I know its not fat..... its mostly skin. I decided that maybe if I went out an bought some new clothes I would feel better about my body. So I asked my husband if I could take the sams club credit card and go to walmart and charge a few things. Everything in the women's section was ugly and everything that I could stand in the juniors section did not fit right because everything is low rise or too tight fitting, which disagrees with my sack of a stomach. I went in the dressing room with about 12 things and came out with none. I was upset and came home and ate. Im sure everyone up here knows that when you are fat, obese, overweight, whatever you want to call it, you sit and day dream about what its going to be like when your not overweight anymore. One of my day dreams was about being able to walk in a store with a handfull of 12 things and go in the dressing room and look good in the things you picked out instead of trying things on and nothing fitting right and then walking out with nothing after you have dried your eyes from all the crying you did after the 12 things did not fit right........ and look at me I have lost over 100 pounds and I am still the same girl that I was at 270 pounds.... crying in the walmart dressing room.
I keep telling myself that if I lose enough weight then I will be able to wear clothing and not look bad or feel bad... that I can just roll up the skin somewhere and it will disappear. I know that is not happening though.
I truly wish I could accept my body the way it is... I know that's not going to happen. I just have to wait a few years till I can save up enough money for a tummy tuck. I know that if I had the skin removed I would be happy with myself, right at the weight I am at now. I went to a plastic surgeon for a consultation by the way... its turns out that just the tummy tuck will cost a little over 10 thousand dollars. Even with a plastic surgery credit card I would not be able to afford the payments, which would be over 300 dollars a month.
If I keep going to this destructive path I am on now then I am going to gain all my weight back. I just know it. the one night binge is going to turn into a week or a month and then Im going to find myself back at 180 or 190 and I'm going to feel horrible, and embarrassed and stop logging on to spark people and then gain a bunch more.
I have seen it up hear before. people lose weight and then do bad, gain weight, get embarrassed, avoid spark people and then gain more.
So maybe I need to change up what I am doing. Maybe I just need to focus on maintaining and not losing. Maybe if I focus on the process and not results then I will find myself in a much healthier, happier place. I just know I cant keep going down this path because Its not giving me the results I want anyway and I'm not feeling very good physically or mentally right now.
Thanks for listening to my self analyzing. Maybe admitting some of this stuff "out loud" will help me fix the problem.