Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I feel hopeless. I woke up this morning and I thought to myself, how on earth I'm going to loose so much weight? It seems that instead of getting rid of it, I keep adding more to it. I'm now 230. I can't believe it! I am so disappointed in myself, it's so infuriating that I'm not able to snap out of this rut. I am ashamed of myself for constantly finding excuses in my kids, yet I am unable to keep up with them, and I'm so miserable that they are so eager yet unable to enjoy me. I'm here all they long. I'm their care taker, and I'm doing a very lousy job at it. They all have different needs, and besides feeding them, changing their diapers or reading them a story at night, there's not much time I'm spending with them, yet I'm not doing anything productive for myself either. Cleaning, laundry, cooking every day, and of course, the only source of entertainment is the TV, late at night, when I should be sleeping instead, like the rest of my family. Occasionally I go into the pool, occasionally I take a stroll in the park, on weekends, or get a good workout by mowing the lawn in the weekends. But that's something new, I just started. I've been taking my depression pills for 3 months now, and I'm feeling better than when I wasn't, yet now, I have to deal with side effects like feeling tired and sleepy a lot of the time. I wish I could fight this every day, and shake it up, so I can get out and exercise, but I'm weak and give into procrastination too easy. I need some serious help. I need to start writing this down every day, and I need to have some kind of a routine at something more than just house chores. God help me, I know I can do it, I did it before, but when I feel down, I forget that I can do it, and then it all gets lost. Maybe we should go in the park today.