Monday, June 20, 2011
Well I find it quite convenient; the other day I was thinking 'how do people blog? I I want to blog too!" I want to blog about my weight loss journey. And here we are, Spark has provided me with a safe place to do just that! I am giving myself 1 year to loose 80-100 pounds. I will talk about the process I am going through, how I am feeling and what has triggered me, my mistakes that I will learn from, and certainly my successes! I have struggled with my weight from a very young age, around about the age of 9, around about the age that I felt that my father was looking at me in ways that for some reason made me feel funny inside,dirty. Around the age that my mother told me that if I was fat no one would love me. You see, the inner child in me signed a subconscious/spiritual contract that these things were true about my self. I came to believe that my body was meant to be judged and that it was something dirty. I had no idea that the rest of the things I did in my life defined who I was; my successes, the kind of friend I was, how I interacted with others, the way I can make people laugh, my smile, my green eyes, the way I bounced back and learned from my mistakes and failures, my integrity, my wide variety of skills, it goes on and on! To me, throughout my life, the one constant has been that my body is unacceptable and therefore "I" am unacceptable. It has caused me to yo-yo diet throughout my life, to sabotage relationships, to feel never ending shame, to second guess myself on many things, and to be lonely.
I am a single mother of 2 teenage sons - great kids by the way :) I use the excuse that I have no time cause I am a single mom, yet I have time to sit on my butt every night and watch tv for 4-5 hours. I use the excuse that I live in a town with too many damn hills so I can't ride my bike (there really are too many damn hills!!), but most certainly I can walk, yet I haven't so far - not to the level that I would like to be at. I blame it on my ex's - oh yes, there are more than one, and yes... there were many a mean comment or jab at me for my weight over the years.. "you have more chins than a Chinese phone book", "It's a shame you let yourself go", "You women, you just lose weight so you can get a man and then you just get fat once you have him" a poke on my body with a "what's this?" I have become afraid to be in a relationship with a man, for me thin equates with danger, inappropriate sexual attention. No one, not even me, touches my stomach - EVER! My fat is my shield, it keeps me safe - but it also keeps me alone. There is a difference between lonely and alone. I don't get lonely often, but I am alone most times, other than my kids being around and that is becoming time sensitive. I found a great poem once, and sadly I have misplaced it. The opening line was "My fat is my fortress" I really connected with that as it has become just that, an impenetrable fortress that at times I feel I can't even get through. I have gained and lost weight so many times I have lost count. I have lost the weight and felt fantastic and someone makes one stupid comment (always by a man!) and my brain triggers to "Unsafe, alarm, alarm!!" and off I go, building up the fortress walls again.
So here I am, ready to break down the walls. Ready to stop being afraid. Ready to love my self in all is bountiful entirety, throughout the process, one day at a time, and I am quite sure there will be times where it is one minute at a time, and one choice at a time. So I welcome you, the reader, whomever you may be female or male ha ha!!, to watch and honor my journey and the process I will go through in getting MY life back, for me, for my children and perhaps even for you!