Sunday, June 19, 2011
The past year I took myself from 218lbs to 169 to 189. I'm still ahead of the game in the loss department weight wise, but want to stop the upward climb. I started SparkPeople in the fall of 2010 & was really good until the holidays. After the holidays, I struggled a great deal. For some reason I was depressed after the holidays & got off track (actually lost weight over holidays, it was Jan that was bad). I finally got my act together though I started to feel unwell in March.
Weight loss slowed, then I finally went to the doctor. I was then informed that I needed to stop with the weight loss...at least for the next 7 1/2 months. I was so excited. Pregnancy has never come easily for me, with my son it took over a year of meds before I caught. Even then he was born over 16 weeks early, so he was in hospital for over 4 months. I had also had at least one miscarriage, so pregnancy is not a relax & glow with hope & dreams of future motherhood.
At just over 16 weeks I had a miscarriage. The last week I have been exhausted and in a great deal of pain. I had a lot of blood loss while in the hospital & have been directed to take it easy for the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately, this doesn't help take my mind of of my loss (granted, not much would, but...the urge to escape at least mentally for awhile is strong). I've been using books as my drug of choice. Books are better than any pharmaceutical for escaping mental anguish (& better for you in the long run), though they don't do so much for physical pain.
This next week I am starting over. I am going to try to concentrate on losing weight & getting in shape. I would rather be gaining weight for a good reason, but as I don't have a choice in the matter.... People have different methods of coping with grief & loss. I have a husband & son to take care of & can't afford to fall into a pit of despair. I am going to force myself to work on the things in life I can control. I will start cutting back on calories and begin taking water fitness again. I am at about 190lbs, I want to be the same weight I was in high school (125lbs, not too crazy for someone who is 5'1"), but with better body composition. I am also going to work on cleaning & organizing our apartment.
Am I self centered or shallow to look at weight loss after the loss of a child? Will house cleaning help with grief? I don't know...what I do know is that if I don't do something active I will just sit around & cry & eat junk food chased down by alcohol. That is not an acceptable way of life. I can't let down those that count on me....
Wish me luck.