Sunday, June 19, 2011
Oh my goodness. There is a huge loaf of Francese bread from one of our excellent local bakeries sitting on my table. What's more is that it has chunks ripped from it by my husband. This makes it worse, because no one would notice if I took a bit more from it. But I know what would happen if I did. I would want more and more. Then I would think, "Well, I've blown it now. I might as well just have a full-blown binge," and go to the store (I would make up some reason, of course: liar!), and buy as much of the sweet stuff that I could cram into my body. Then I would feel sick emotionally, spiritually, and certainly physically. I wouldn't be able to sleep. And I would have lost my abstinence.
Here are the tools my sponsor gave me that I'm going to put to use right now!
Step One: I am a compulsive overeater and food addict. I have no power over food and it's making my life unmanageable.
Step Two: God can and will help me if I seek Him.
Step Three: I give my life and my will over to God right now, asking for the strength to make it through this day. I pray for the next right thought and the next right action.
Here are some quotes (with substitutions for a female COE) from the Big Book that pertain to me right now:
"Once she takes any sugar and/or flour whatever into her system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for her to stop." p. 22
"The main problem of the COE cernters in her mind." p. 23
"There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count." p. 23
"The fact is that most COEs, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in food. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation fo even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first bite." p. 24
"There is no middle-of-the-road solution." p. 25
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real COEs. No person likes to think she is bodily and mentally different from her sisters. Therefore, it is not surprising that our eating careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts that somehow, someday she will control and enjoy eating sugar and flour is the great obsession of every abnormal eater. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
"We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were COEs. This is the first step in recovery. he delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed." p. 30
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." p. 45
"We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God." p. 46
"Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all........though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. .......what I had learned of compulsive overeating/binge eating did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had a compulsive overeater's mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots." p. 42