Saturday, June 18, 2011
I used to tell myself that I was forging a new relationship with food. And then I realized that I can't have a relationship with food, because food can't relate back to me. Something that one-sided can't be a relationship!
Now I realize that I use food to express my relationship with myself.
I had unrealistic expectations that I couldn't live up to, so I was chronically disappointed in myself (without really being conscious that I was), and I used food as a kind of punishment for the failings I imagined I had.
Then I used it as a balm for my suffering and as a reward for getting throughout the gruelling emotional obstacle course I'd set.
Now I see myself more realistically, flaws and all. I'm a good person who's working on her issues. Like everyone else, I'm just doing the best I can.
And I want to treat myself as well as I treat others. So I made a vow to eat for positive reasons, like nourishment, health, energy and pleasure. No more eating for negative reasons. I still have painful emotions sometimes, but now I don't make them worse by eating and avoiding.
Food is essential; if I want to stay alive, I have to eat. Health and joy are optional. I can choose to be unhappy and miserable if I want. BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY….AND I AM!