Thursday, June 16, 2011
So, I fell off the wagon last Friday and I haven't been able to get back on. I had to spend a little extra money on photgraphy for my sons portfolio. Not alot, but it was my skinny food money for about 2 weeks. I figured I would be fine and would just substitute what I had in the pantry. Last Friday, I had nothing prepared for dinner, I cracked and had the WORST - McDonalds Big Mac & fries. The next day something else and so on, until here I sit. Terrified to get back on the scale again. I killed two cartons of ice cream in 3 days so yeah.. I am practically ready to throw myself under the bus. I cannot believe one slip up and after having almost a whole week of great success I blew it COMPLETELY instead of recovering and realizing it was one mistake. Now I've made several in a row, day after day. 6 days in a row.
I spent a horrible time today (about 4 hours) trying to get my wifi working after my son crashed the entire system. SO I'm totally stressed now and I am sitting here looking at recipes for fattening pumpkin bars, one of my comfort foods my mama made for me. I forced myself to come on here to find a healthier alternative. May this be the first step in getting back on track. This is why I continue to fail over & over. I do well for a few days (even a whole 3 weeks once!) and after one mistake, I just give up. If this were just a matter of looks, I could get over it. I do love myself now, inside & out, regardless of looking unnatractive in a bathing suit. But I am killing myself, quite literally and that just doesnt seem to have enough power over me to stop me from overeating CONTINUALLY & CONSISTENTLY! I can lose me feet & legs to diabetes now. My kidneys are already showing signs of damage... I REALLY don't want to be on dialysis or be in a wheelchair the rest of my life!!!! I'm sure my heart and vascular system are completely strained and I don't even want to talk about the possibilty of stroke. The only thing I did right in the last 5 years for my body was quit smoking. Of sourse that added another 20 or 30 pounds, but on top of an extra 80...who's really gonna care, right. Uh, my doctor for one!
So here I sit, hoping again I can cling to the wagon when I see it go by. Trying to love myself in spite of this weakness I have for food. I have overcome so many opther battles and addictions in my life. Countless problems, loss & trauma that I have survived... I have to find the strength to do this! I will, I know I can, just God, please give me the strength to do it! Lets see what I can do tomorrow to start healing this sick old body of mine.
At least my boys pics came out great. We met a super nice couple that had a '53 aqua Chevy Pick up and owned a small cattle ranch. They let us come with our photographer friend to take photos of my son in authentic western wear that we borrowed. (Holding a real life lasso and everything!) I will put up a few of those later tonight. He is one of the few things that I can really LOVE myself for. I'm not a perfect mom, but the proof is in the pudding. The kid is really a good person. I love myself for raising him to be that way. Now just gotta love myself a little more is all. Just enough to get healthy for both of us!
Lots of love to the peope who care. Sympathy to the haters of the world. You need to love yourself in spite of yourself, too!