Thursday, June 16, 2011
I discovered what had been making me so tired. I was pregnant! I've had a very hard time getting pregnant & not very much luck with the pregnancies I've had. The weight loss helped me get pregnant without drugs. I was so happy!! Nervous but happy. I changed my weight loss goals but was still going to keep an eye on weight gain as I didn't want to lose a year's work (as I'm still at least 60-65lbs overweight I wasn't supposed to gain more than 15lbs during pregnancy). Some morning sickness (a lot actually), some odd cravings, exhaustion, heightened sense of smell, a great deal of joy & nervousness. All in all a pretty standard pregnancy. After we passed the first trimester (when 1 in 3-4 pregnancies end), we started to plan for names, holidays (I was due in Dec), guessing at gender etc.
The astute reader will have noticed my use of past tense. Sure enough, I am suffering for having hope & making the mistake of future planning. Last Sunday my water broke & Monday I delivered a dead baby.
I can do nothing but cry these days. I'm going to go back on the weight loss wagon. Food doesn't really sound good at present & exercise is supposed to make you feel better & help with stress so maybe it will be easier. I doubt it but it will give me something I can control...