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    GHOSTFLAMES   355,218
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A HARD LOOK AT THIS JOURNEY


Saturday, June 11, 2011

WELL SOMETHING HIT HOME LAST NIGHT! AFTER AN EVENING OUT HUBBY AND I SAT ON THE PATIO TALKING.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GOING SOME WHERE WHICH WE CAN'T AFFORD SO I SUGGESTED GOING ON A LONG DAY OR OVER ONE NIGHT NOT FAR FROM HOME ABOUT 2 HOURS ON THE MOTORCYCLE.
WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN A VERY LONG TIME.
I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO MY ONE GIRLFRIEND AT WORK ABOUT IT AND I HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THIS ONE!
HUBBY SAID I WOULD LOVE TO GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU ON THE BACK OF MY MOTORCYCLE THAT IS WHAT WE GOT IT FOR AND WE HAVE HAD SOME VERY NICE RIDES.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS I DON'T WANT TO SOUND MEAN OR NASTY OR HARSH OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BUT I AM NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER AND I AM NOT AS STRONG AS I USE TO BE ANYMORE AND I CAN'T HANDLE THE WEIGHT OF the BIKE OR YOU ANYMORE.
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU LOST THE 30 POUNDS.
I DIDN'T SAY A WORD I JUST SAID IN MY RECLINER ON THE PATIO AND JUST LISTENED.
I AM SO HART BROKEN I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU I SIT HERE WRITING THIS WITH TEARS IN MY EYES.
I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE RIDING THAT BIKE. AND HAVE BEEN ASKING EVERY YES EVERY WEEKEND TO GO AND THERE IS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE GOING WITH A FRIEND NO GIRLS ALLOWED, I AM TIRED I HAVE TO MUCH WORK AROUND HERE TO DO YOU NAME IT.
I KNOW IN MY HEART I TOLD CAROL AT WORK AND I WAS 100% RIGHT.
AND I KNOW EVERYTHING HUBBY HAS SAID IS TRUE AND HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME THAT WAY THIS IS ALL MY FAULT I HAVE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES BEFORE I LOST 30 POUNDS AND IT FELT SO GOOD I THOUGHT WELL I COULD EAT THIS AND THAT SOME PEOPLE CAN I AM ONE WHO CANNOT I ONLY WANT MORE AND MORE AND I PUT ALL THAT WEIGHT BACK ON PLUS ONE POUND. ALL THAT HARD WORK DOWN THE TUBES.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP I HAVE SAID THIS ALL BEFORE I HAVE LEARNED AND KEPT SO MANY GOOD THINGS THAT WHAT WE ARE TOLD TO DO LOOK AT ALL THE GOOD WE HAVE DONE.
I HAVE NEVER EXERCISED BEFORE NOW I NEVER EVER MISS A DAY.
I NEVER DRANK WATER BEFORE NOW I MAKE SURE I DRINK AT LEAST 8-8OS.Z GLASSES A DAY AND NEVER MISS AT ALL.
I EAT MY 5 SERVINGS OF FRUITS AND VEGGIES A DAY AND NEVER MISS.
I STAY IN MY CALORIE RANGE VERY RARELY GO OUT OF IT.
I LOG ON HERE EVERY DAY I NEVER MISS I AM ADDICTED. I HAVE MADE SO MANY FRIENDS. SO WITH ALL THAT GOOD I HAVE LEARNED SOME GREAT THINGS.
BUT THE HARDEST THING IS TO GET THIS MIND SET I JUST CAN'T SEAM TO DO IT NO MATTER WHAT I DO I EAT ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE NO GOOD FOR ME.
I NEED TO DO THIS FOR ME I KNOW THAT AND MY HEALTH AND I WANT TO GET ON THAT BIKE AGAIN AND KNOWING IT WILL BE A VERY LONG TIME AND ANOTHER SUMMER WITHOUT IT MAKES ME JUST SICK TO MY FAT STOMACH.
YES THAT IS WHERE ALL MY FAT HAS LANDED
WHEN I GO FOR CLOTHES I WAS IN THE MEDIUMS NOW I AM BACK TO THE PLUS SIZES AGAIN.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP BUT HAVE A LONG HARD ROAD AHEAD OF ME AND NEED HELP NEED TO SURROUND MY SELF WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT THE SAME THING AND THAT HAVE THEIR MIND SET.
WISH ME LUCK TO MANY INTERRUPTIONS ARE I WILL END IT NOW WITH A CRY FOR HELP!
BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO DO THIS ON MY OWN SO I SAY DEAR LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET THIS WEIGH OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL.
HELP GET MY MIND SET AND TO DO THIS NOW BEFORE IT IS TO LATE THANK YOU LORD FOR LISTENING TO ME AMEN!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
CLUMBOY 12/4/2012 2:58PM

    hi there--your post touched me so deeply for a number of reasons. first and foremost, i understand this pain, and so do a lot of other people on here--we have all been through it so many times, and we are all here to help you and cheer you on as you step up again and put yourself on the line.
second--do you know how much your husband loves and trusts you that he finally told you this very hard truth. its obvious he would cut his arm off rather than hurt you, but he honors you enough in his heart that he wanted to be done with the excuses. now the truth is out there and you can deal with it. this is a wonderful thing--and the fact that you sat quietly and listened means that you were ready to hear and deal with this. that is a big step forward and you should be proud of it.
stop berating yourself--it isn't helpful. you are here and owning up--that is what is important. find something (or many somethings) each day that you have done WELL. write them down--put them on here in a list if that helps you. you have more positive than negative going for you--but you need to put the positive out where you can see it and give the negative a rest. focus on what helps you be happy, and let go of the feelings that make you miserable. i have given my bad feelings a name that belonged to a totally toxic friend i jettisoned from my life a few years ago. when those bad thoughts come to me--i give them her voice and then i tell her to shut the heXX up and get out of my life. she goes away, and the bad thoughts have no power over me anymore, because SHE has no power over me anymore.
as an aside--just a thought--i have never been on a motorcycle, but i would LOVE to have one of those new three wheeled ones. i know they are horribly expensive--but might that be an option that would help you get out and ride NOW rather than put that joy off in your life?
live in the now--there is joy in the present day--just as much as in the far off future if you let yourself have it.
all the best to you. friend me if you like--i will keep an eye on you emoticon

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ANIHAKA 10/20/2012 7:46AM

    Two words come to mind regarding eating being out of control and for me because I do the same as you - they are BOREDOM and STRESS. If I'm stressed I reach for food when what is really needed is water and a walk or doing jobs around the house.
Dry your tears, pick yourself up and keep going on the right path. Before you know it you'll be enjoying bike riding again. BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT! WE ARE WORTH IT! We were born to enjoy life and to learn through the hard times and the harsh comments made to us by some people. Have a good week. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1COUNTRY_GAL 7/8/2012 7:09AM

    I just saw your blog and I bet you did it, emoticon
{{{{HUGS}}} Diana

Comment edited on: 7/8/2012 7:09:47 AM

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WHITNEYLD 7/4/2012 11:42AM

    emoticon

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MARYMAZILLA 2/29/2012 1:04PM

    OK Char we can do this. Feel free to call on me any time. I have learned some wonderful things along this journey. As for the snacking thing. Do NOT restrict yourself. instead first try drinking a big glass of water when you find yourself searching for something. You body can not tell the difference between hunger and thurst. If after you still want something. Read the serving size and the calories, fat, and carbs. The measure out one serving. enjoy it but don't allow your self anymore. If you still want more go to raw veggies. that way you don't feel deprived. I have a strict set of rules I must abide by and have just gotten back on track. Because I have for about 6 months thrown them to the wind. So maybe we can support each other! emoticon

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KEIKOS_MUM 1/11/2012 11:50AM

    hugs .. you can do it , you done it before , i am the worlds worst at trying to keep track and drinking my water etc .
You will be back on the back of that bike , just as i will get a coat that fits me , and be able to take my fur baby out on the walks that she deserves.... emoticon dont give up xx

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STALEYK 8/26/2011 3:36PM

    Sorry that you are hurting right now. We can do it together. We just move forward and don't give up. I resisted tracking food intake but am finding more success doing that. I was exercising and drinking water but my intake was still more than my calorie burn. I am learning slowly. It has taken a long time for me to see the scale move downward. emoticon Hang in there...you have lots of friends rooting for you!

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SPARKCHANTAL 8/12/2011 8:06AM

    what do you mean, too late? are you a hundred and twenty or something? c'mon gal you've got a lot to live for, you're way younger than me and it sounds like so much more adventurous as well. shake a tailfeather babe!
and remember... it's for life!

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FSUGUARD04 8/2/2011 7:30AM

    I read you blog and know how badly you want all the things in your life to be normal again. While I can't understand the love of your bike, I can understand going to parks with friends or wanting to ride a ride where I honestly have to question whether or not I am too heavy for it. Having to avoid the fun things in life is terrible and no one should have to be there. You have left such wonderful words on my blog this morning I just had to return the favor.
I know you can do it! I know you have the motivation and drive and everything is obtainable if we all try hard enough for it, and then the things we want more than anything in this life, yes even the ride on the back of your husbands motorcycle, are ever the sweeter when we reach that seemingly unreachable goal. Keep up the good work, and I am here if you need some more motivation down the line!

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VTORIA3 6/17/2011 7:04AM

    As i read your blog, it reminded me of my journey, different people, places but same situation. I lost 38# in 2008 and regained it in 2009 though I swore up and down that after so much hard work, that would NEVER happen. With the help of Spark site and all of my wonderful spark friends, I am back losing this weight again. I am much behind schedule to reach goal weight, although I am hoping this is my year.

You left me such kind, encouraging words on my blog this morning. It was so dear of you to extend your self to me, and it meant a lot. And you hit the nail on the head...this is a tough, difficult journey of many ups and downs. With the excellent spark tools, we can admit the ugly, and celebrate all the good. Best of all, with the support of our spark friends, we WILL succeed and keep inching towards our goals. Ah, it sure does take a lot of hard work, and so, so much effort....something only another sparker could ever understand. It is so great to have you along on this journey. We are so worth it. When we are having a weak moment, let's challenge that cupcake or milkshake and say YOU are robbing me of my healthy me, of who I deserve to be. Let's resolve to claim what rightfully belongs to us. WE CAN DO THIS! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/17/2011 7:06:35 AM

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MAMASALLYSOCKS 6/12/2011 3:08AM

    (((COW CUDDLES)))

Comment edited on: 6/12/2011 3:09:06 AM

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DEUCE119 6/12/2011 12:23AM

    DEAR DEAR CHAR! WE ALL LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE HURTING. I KNOW ROY WOULD NEVER SAY THOSE WORDS TO HURT YOU. HE WAS BEING HONEST. HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE THE CHANCE OF HURTING EITHER OF YOU.
NOW AS FAR AS THE WEIGHT GAIN GOES, LIKE SOMEONE SAID, YOU CAN STAY IN YOUR CALORIE RANGE AND STILL EAT THE WRONG FOODS. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. BUT THERE IS A STRESS HORMONE THAT CAUSES BELLY FAT . I'M SURE YOU HAVE HEARD OF IT. CORTISOL! AND WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE BIGGEST WORRIER AROUND. WHY DON'T YOU TRY MEDITATION AND SEE IF THAT WILL HELP. I KNOW IT SEEMS GOOFY, BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO LET SOME OF THAT STRESS YOU HAVE GO. START PICKING YOUR BATTLES AND NOT FRET OVER SO MUCH SMALL STUFF. NOW THATS AN ORDER FROM ME. YOU HAVE TO JUST LOOK AT SOME THINGS AND LAUGH. WITHOUT THAT, LIFE IS JUST WORK. MAYBE THIS WON'T HELP YOU., BUT I SURE HOPE YOU GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT. HUGS AND I LOVE YOU . emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KSNICKER 6/11/2011 9:17PM

    CHAR - MY DEAR FRIEND... I'M FEELING YOUR HEARTACHE FOR SURE. I KNOW HOW HARD YOU WORK EACH DAY TOWARD THIS JOURNEY. LOTS HARDER THAN ME... I AGREE WITH THE OTHERS AND THINK YOU NEED TO ANALYZE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING AND SEE WHERE YOU MIGHT NEED TO ADJUST... MAYBE YOU NEED TO INTENSIFY THE EXERCISE OR MAYBE NOT DO AS MUCH... WE TALKED ABOUT THAT BEFORE WHEN I WAS LOOSING AND NOT EXERCISING... YOU STOPPED EXERCISING FOR A WEEK AND LOST WEIGHT... REMEMBER... SO IT COULD BE THAT YOU ARE NOT EATING ENOUGH OF THE GOOD FOODS FOR THE AMOUNT OF EXERCISE YOU ARE DOING... OR NOT EXERCISING ENOUGH OR HARD ENOUGH FOR THE BAD THINGS YOU ARE EATING...
WHY NOT TRY JUST WALKING LIKE MAMA DOES... FOR 3 MILES OR SO A DAY... CHANGE THINGS TOTALLY AROUND A BIT... BUT WHAT EVER YOU DO SO NOT GIVE UP...
ANOTHER THING THAT MIGHT HELP... THERE ARE LOTS OF TEAMS ON THIS WEB SITE AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD SCAN A FEW AND SEE IF THERE IS ONE THAT MAY INTEREST YOU ENOUGH TO GET YOUR MOJO GOING AGAIN.
I KNOW THAT IN MY CASE THAT I AM NOT VERY SUPPORTIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF ALL THE THINGS I HAVE GOING ON... I'M HAVING MY OWN PERSONAL STRUGGLES RIGHT NOW WITH MY WEIGHT AND HAVE GAINED EVERYTHING BACK ONCE AGAIN MYSELF... BUT WONDERING IF MY MED'S COULD BE CONTRIBUTING... SO MAYBE YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER TEAM TO HELP MOTIVATE YOU AND MAYBE OFFER OTHER IDEAS FOR YOU... NOW I AM NOT... REPEAT NOT TELLING YOU TO GIVE OUR TEAM UP... THAT WILL NEVER WORK. WE NEED YOU THERE AND YOU NEED US... HEE HEE BUT MAYBE LOOKING AROUND YOU MAY FIND SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP...
WE ALL LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU THE BEST WITH YOUR JOURNEY... (((HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS))) MY FRIEND... LET ME KNOW IF I CAN HELP... IF NOTHING ELSE I CAN LISTEN... emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HOUSECAT609 6/11/2011 7:21PM

    CHAR, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. KNOW YOUR HEART IS BREAKING, BUT TURN IT INTO A GOAL. I KNOW YOU HAVE DONE WELL WITH THE CALORIES, EXERCISE AND WATER, BUT YOU MIGHT NEED TO MAKE SOME ADJUSTMENTS, INTENSIFY THEM EXERCISES, CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE, DISECT THEM CALORIES YOU ARE EATING...CAN YOU MAKE BETTER CHOICES? ARE YOU REALLY GETTING ENOUGH CALORIES FOR THE EXERCISES YOU ARE DOING? BE REALLY HONEST WHEN YOU ENTER THINGS INTO YOUR TRACKER, DID YOU REALLY BURN THAT MANY CALORIES DOING THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE? EXERCISING?
MIGHT BE TIME TO GET ONE OF THOSE ARMBANDS THAT REALLY TRACK WHAT YOU BURN IN CALORIES...LIKE THEY USE ON BIGGEST LOSER.
LIKE THE IDEA OF THE "MONEY JAR", ANYTIME YOU WANT A "GOODIE" WETHER YOU DO BUY IT, EAT IT, OR PASS IT UP PUT THAT AMOUNT IN YOUR JAR....THEN WHEN YOU CAN GO FOR THAT RIDE ON THE HARLEY YOU WILL HAVE MONEY FOR SOME FUN...(((hugs)))

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MARLA7 6/11/2011 6:39PM

    CHAR - WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE THE HEALTHY CHANGES FOR YOU. BUT KNOW THIS.... I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I AM HERE FOR YOU. ANYTIME, NIGHT OR DAY, THAT YOU WANT TO TALK... CALL ME. ANYTIME ON SPARK THAT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY...... DO IT. I'LL LISTEN. I AM HERE FOR YOU. WHY? BECAUSE I CARE. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. BECAUSE YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON. BECAUSE YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND. BECAUSE YOU ARE SO WORTH IT. I KNOW HOW HARD MAKING THOSE BETTER CHOICES CAN BE. WE'LL HELP EACH OTHER. ONCE I DON'T GO TO TREATMENTS ANYMORE I'M GOING TO START EARLY MORNING WALKS AGAIN WHEN IT'S COOLER OUTSIDE. THAT SHOULD HELP ME GET THE WEIGHT MOVING AGAIN. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
ALL MY LOVE,
MARLA

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 6/11/2011 4:14PM

    MY DEAREST CHAR, I AM WRITING THIS WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AS MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR YOU. I DO UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE SAYING...I REALLY MISS RIDING ON THE BACK OF DICK'S HARLEY. HAVEN'T DONE IT SINCE 1994 WHEN HE HAD HIS HEART ATTACK AND DIED. HIS HEART ATTACK CAME OUT OF THE BLUE, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU THAT YOU CAN GET YOUR MINDSET BACK AND CONTINUE YOUR JOURNEY TO THE HEALTHIEST YOU CAN BE. IT DOES GET HARDER AS MORE HEALTH ISSUES POP UP, BUT IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS. IT IS POSSIBLE TO STAY IN YOUR CALORIE RANGE AND STILL GAIN WEIGHT IF YOU ARE EATING THE WRONG FOODS OR NOT EATING ENOUGH CALORIES....WHICH IS MY PROBLEM DUE TO DIET RESTRICTIONS AND HEALTH CONDITIONS. HOWEVER I HAVE RESTARTED MYSELF ON JUNE 1 AND I HAVE LOST 8 POUNDS...MOSTLY I THINK DUE TO MEDICATION CHANGES BUT I AM MEASURING EVERYTHING AND PAYING VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO PORTION SIZES AGAIN.
YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS DAILY. WAKE UP EACH MORNING GIVING THANKS FOR A NEW DAY TO GET IT RIGHT AND DO THE BEST YOU CAN. AT THE END OF THE DAY THANKING GOD THAT YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD FOR THAT DAY. FOR EACH DAY THAT I STAY TOTALLY ON TRACK WITH MY EXERCISES, WATER DRINKING, CALORIES, ETC., I PUT $1.00 IN MY SPECIAL JAR. THAT IS MY REWARD MONEY, ORIGINALLY SET TO BUY TUNES AND EXERCISE VIDEOS, BUT NOW I AM THINKING SOMETHING A BIT BIGGER...MAYBE SOME NEW SMALLER CLOTHES OR A TRIP FOR KEN AND I IN OUR NEW MOTOR HOME.
IF POSSIBLE, SET UP A SPECIAL MONEY JAR FOR YOURSELF JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU CAN SAVE AND BUY YOURSELF A NEW "WOW" OUTFIT TO GO RIDING THAT BIKE BEHIND ROY OR ANOTHER SPECIAL TREAT JUST FOR YOU!!! THAT MAKES A WIN/WIN SITUATION.
YOU DID THIS ONCE AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN GET IT GOING AGAIN. I HAVE FAITH IN YOUR ABILITY, MY DEAR FRIEND, AND YOUR WANTING TO WIN THIS BATTLE...ONE SMALL SQUIRMIST AT A TIME!!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
LOVE AND HUGS,
HELEN

PRAYING...

Comment edited on: 6/11/2011 4:21:30 PM

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FROGGY80916 6/11/2011 11:00AM

    You do not have to do this alone, Spark People is exactly for you and me, and any one else needing support, love, and guidance on this journey. Take one day at a time, make small simple changes--- they really add up. Try to do 10 minutes of exercise every day and build from there. Make sure to drink your water daily, and make wiser choices about food and use the nutrition tracker to see what your are eating. But MOST IMPORTANT----LOVE YOURSELF for who you are. You are a brilliant, creative, special being who deserves your love! You have mine. A quote that helps me is, "When you judge yourself, you break your own heart." So for me and more importantly for yourself, stop breaking your own heart. emoticon emoticon

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