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    VXWALL1942   75,327
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60,000-79,999 SparkPoints
 
 
Down but not out...

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Goodness, its been way too long since last I wrote a blog. Today I felt compelled to share my feelings, such as they are.

I'm feeling BIG! I've always been a big boned tall woman but now I'm really BIG and it brings me down. I'm totally committed to the Spark People program and spend my days mostly sparking. So why don't I eat right? What causes me to wallow in self pity while munching on 100% wheat toast with 'I Can't believe Its Not Butter'? That should be a healthy snack...but its loaded with fat. The same is true of all the foods I love...Cool Whip Light with fresh strawberries, homemade rice pudding made with Splenda.

When trying to figure out why I'm not getting any smaller I KNOW its because of a lack of control. My appetite is smaller than it once was, but that doesn't mean a full cup of rice pudding isn't gonna hang around the belly for time immemorial. Top it off with the wide variety of meds I take and my insulin and I qualify as the 'difficult' to lose weight queen.

So today I decided to whine in public. Let it all hang out...it does anyway! I know from experience that every time I blog many of you give me support and encouragement and this is my shameless appeal for more of the same.

I want to be 'healthy'...not thin because that's impractical at my age and station in life. I want to look like anything but the beach ball I resemble. My motivation is somewhere in Netherland these days. So sad. I 'see' so many of you winning the battles. Many are even on the final lap of the journey to winning the war. I want to be one of you.

I want to get up in the morning and feel energized and enthusiastic. I want to finish my day feeling righteous, like I've done what I meant to do. Anybody have any great...or small...ideas? I'm in the market for anything that can move me beyond this wall of limitation.

Now it occurs to me that 79 days of non-smoking has probably taken its toll on my weight loss fitness journey. But I'm thinking that's enough time to give in to the alternative satisfaction.

OK - rant over. Just needed to put me out there dear friends. I want to be solid in my commitment to health. Each time I start to put something in my mouth I want to realize what I'm doing instead of blindly accepting that if it goes in the mouth its 'good'.

For all of you I wish you a day of sunshine without too much heat, a weekend of enjoyment and the knowledge that you are loved.

"Good friends are like Angels! You don't have to see them to know they are there!" ~anonymous
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIDMIS 10/12/2011 2:15PM

    Vicki Something else to make you feel good.

You are a winner. You know that by your winning over nicotine.

emoticon (lose weight that is)

We love you and you know what you have to do. So go for it and you will see. You alone have to determine to lose weight and be healthy just as you determined to quit nicotine.

Irene

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NANABE 7/27/2011 2:15PM

    Vicki,

First, not smoking is a HUGE accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself. That being said, it takes time to get those pounds off, it is so much harder to take them off than put them on.

I know you can do this! I know what you mean about the eating. I do real well for a while, then I loose a pound or two and find myself in the store looking at the sweets. I try my hardest to walk past them, and I do, then I end up back in front of them again and again and again. Some times I can leave without them, but there are still times I don't. Yesterday was one of those days. Once I get them home, that is the end of the story. Before I know it I have downed every donut hole, or cookie whatever. Why do i keep sabatoging myself? Once I find the answer to that question I think i will be successful.

Hope you are now having lots of success! emoticon

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MAGISTRANANCY 6/18/2011 8:24PM

    Vicki,
I've been on basically a month-long binge. The only reason I haven't gained a bunch more weight than I did, is that I kept exercising. But I feel pretty bad, in more ways than one. I feel your pain.

But everyone who mentioned it is right; not smoking is a HUGE step toward being healthy. I'm so pleased for you.

Nancy

emoticon emoticon

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MRS_TOAD 6/12/2011 8:25AM

    Being able to quit smoking is a HUGE accomplishment. emoticon

As for being "one of us".... you are. We all have those days, weeks and months where we backslide and/or feel badly about how far we have NOT come. But the fact of the matter is that you are making better choices than you were a year ago, you are helping others get the hang of SP, you offer motivation and care to so many people in your life and on SP and, finally, you always inspire me to push ahead on whatever is holding me back in life. I know you are frustrated, but look deep within yourself and find that gentleness that you share with so many others and wrap it around yourself. You deserve a lot loving, dear SPal.

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JAXMOMMY 6/10/2011 10:59PM

    Vicki-- 79 days, now I reckon 81 days, without smoking is a fantastic step twoard health!! As others said, pat yourself on the back for that! Yes, you have some tremendous obstacles to losing weight.... The insulin alone is bad enough, then consider how limited your mobility is and everything else. But, I want you to consider your food choices now as compared to say, a year ago.... Fresh straweberries with LIGHT Cool Whip; Rice Pudding made with SPLENDA; WHOLE WHEAT TOAST....You are making better choices. I'm learning now that I don't need as much as I once did, so next time, try a 3/4 cup of rice pudding and actually weigh it out! Also, are you tracking your food? That is so important! You are on the right track! You are already so much healthier than you were and you just don't realize it b/c you are caught up in the size game! Keep Sparking; Keep Progressing; Keep Asking For Help!!

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KELPIE57 6/9/2011 4:13PM

    My understanding is that stopping smoking is a sort of double whammy.... not only does it give you the munchies, it also slows down your metabolism.
oh, and one enormous thing; you are looking for a healthy you.....
healthy not slim
Is 79 days of not smoking not a huge step on that road to health...
Go on, pat yourself on the back
You are worth it!

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DEBALDERMAN 6/9/2011 8:53AM

    As others have said, congrats on the 79 days of being smoke-free! I can feel where you are coming from, tho, since I, too, am a reformed smoker. Its been 19 years, and I still find myself grabbing a "healthy" snack at times that I would have reached for a cigarette. For a pack and a half a day ex-smoker, that's a lot of emotional eating. But don't beat yourself up too much. Just realize that today is a new day, and try your best to do what you know you need to do. Keep up the good work, and being aware is the first step. Hugs, Sparkfriend. Deb

Comment edited on: 6/9/2011 8:54:08 AM

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SWEETTOOTH10 6/9/2011 6:58AM

    Great job quitting Smoking!Like others said that adds to your need to snack.(Especially carbs)Lots of good advice here.!Keep Sparking, looking for Ways to keep your mind and hands busy. It 's hard finding a balance that works for you,and your particular circumstances, but together we can do it.!

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JILL313 6/8/2011 10:59PM

    You've already received some wonderful comments and I second most of them. . .I'm sure quitting smoking you probably turn more to food now, but it's a great accomplishment and will add years to your life. Maybe it's time to re-read the book The Spark as I've done that several times and it always gives me motivation. If you're not exercising I would try doing even 10 minutes a day as it helps you physically as well as emotionally. I know it's easy to say but hard to do, just don't have those high calorie foods and snacks around. I'm rooting for you!!

Hugs,

Jill

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CAZ5346 6/8/2011 10:42PM

    emoticon ON QUITTING SMOKING emoticon


emoticon TOGETHER WE CAN DO IT emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LADYIRISH317 6/8/2011 9:29PM

    You're much too hard on yourself. You have accomplished a lot. We're all human, so please don't beat up on yourself. You're an amazing woman and an inspiration to all of us.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CONTENTCHRIS 6/8/2011 9:03PM

    WE ARE HERE FOR YOU MY FRIEND! I TOO HAVE BAD AND GOOD..NIGHTS..DAYS ARE EASY FOR ME... LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP OUT. emoticon

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ADORNED2 6/8/2011 8:48PM

    MY DEAR DEAR VICKI
FIRST LET ME START BY SAYING I AM IN AWE OF THE 79 DAYS - I REALLY AM !
SECONDLY LET ME SHARE - SINCE I HAVE BEEN STAYING WITH THE GIRLS I HAVE GAINED 6 POUNDS - IT IS DIFFICULT WITH ALL THE LITTLE SNACKS ETC AROUND THEIR HOUSE - YOU GET TO THINKING - OH ONE WON'T HURT - WELL APPARENTLY IT DOES ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE JUST ONE EVERY DAY - LOL - I SHARE THIS TO SAY - WITH MULTI MEMBERED FAMILIES I CAN SEE THE STRUGGLE BEING SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT AS EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT / EATING IT! AT HOME WE JUST DON'T PURCHASE THOSE TYPE OF THINGS - KIND OF OUT OF SIGHT - OUT OF MIND!
STRESS PLAYS A MAJOR ROLE INTO WEIGHT GAIN AND QUITTING SMOKING HAS CERTAINLY BEEN AN ADDED STRESSOR FOR YOU ( EVEN THOUGH NECESSARY), ATTENDING THE REHAB HAS BEEN AN ADDED STRESSOR (EVEN THOUGH NECESSARY) ETC
DOWN BUT NOT OUT IS RIGHT - AS LONG AS WE ATTEMPT TO GET BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN - WE WILL NEVER BE OUT!
LETS MAKE A DEAL - EVERY TIME I AM TEMPTED WITH SOMETHING - I WILL THINK OF YOU AND EVERY TIME YOU ARE TEMPTED YOU THINK OF ME - AND MAYBE TOGETHER WE CAN REKINDLE THAT MOTIVATION WE NEED TO RISE ABOVE THE SITUATION - WHAT DO YOU THINK ?
BIG HUGS

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BAMBIBUNNY 6/8/2011 7:06PM

    thats awesome that you quit smoking. it just goes to show how much determination you really have. emoticon emoticon

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SHERRY666 6/8/2011 3:56PM

    I CAN BET THAT THE QUITTING SMOKING MIGHT HAVE A BIT TO DO WITH ALL THE MUNCHING.... YOU KNOW HAVING SOMETHING IN YOUR HAND GOING TO YOUR MOUTH WHETHER TO EAT OR SMOKE IT..... YOU ARE BEING TOO HARD ON YOURSELF VICKI..... HERE WE GO WITH MED'S....... I'M SURE MANY OF US CAN SAY OUR MED'S SLOW DOWN OUR WEIGHT LOSS.....

BUT ALL IN ALL......... FOR ME I THINK I HAVE TO GET MOVING AGAIN..... I SLOWED DOWN WITH THAT ONCE I DID LOSE SOME WEIGHT....... TRY AND FIND OUT WHAT IS MAKING YOU DO WHAT YOUR NOT SUPPOSE TO BE DOING......

BEING HEALTHY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR OUR AGES RIGHT NOW..... I THINK YOUR DOING GREAT....... ALSO REMEMBER TO KEEP DRINKING THAT WATER..... YOU CAN DO THIS... emoticon

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MARPET44 6/8/2011 3:18PM

    Wow! quiting smoking is a humonous feat! emoticon emoticon emoticon


One step at a time and use the cal. counter. It helped me find alternatives.

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CAROLJEAN64 6/8/2011 2:11PM

    Vicki, 79 days smoke-free. emoticon
You noticed I started with the positive. If someone blogged and expected all of their lifestyle changes to take place in 79 days, can you imagine what you would post..... no, I don't want to think about it.
You have just made a massive change in your life and in what your hands and mouth are used to doing. You have also had some pretty scary health issues recently. I am not trying to give you excuses.... just reminders.
Do you have any crafts you like to do with your hands, especially something that food would not be compatible with? I think you get my drift.
I am pulling for you, know that you feel better just for getting the whine out of the way... now find some nice low-fat cheese.

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PAULASTRAS 6/8/2011 1:41PM

    good day, Vicki,

sometimes it can be a rough and rockie journey. the taste buds don't like change always wanting what it is use to.
the mind controls alot of things....what you eat is one of them....
there are some medications that will add to weight gain.
do you know how many calories you should eat each day?
this is a big help.
exercising can be done sitting or in bed.
walking around the house inside.
no need to over due.
keep track of your calories, eat fruits and veg. stay away from carbs.
meal planning at the beginning is helpful.
it will take time and patience, i believe you can do it:)
believe in yourself, you are worth it......

love and hugs, paula

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-POOKIE- 6/8/2011 1:24PM

    I wrote a blog a while back about whats motivation and whats commitment.

You dont have motivation? Well how about commitment to, well not dying?

Because at the end of the day, obesity DOES come down to that, killing ourselves slowly with food, which you have to admit is pretty darn dumb!!

Remind yourself that motivation is fleeting, but your life isn't. So commit to being alive.

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LESLIEJEAN43 6/8/2011 12:25PM

    Vicki, Congrats to you on all those days of not smoking!! Most peope do gain weight when quitting, as I'm sure you know.
Are you drinking lots of water? Can you substitute some plain fruits and/or veggies for some of the snacks you mentioned?
I have also recently quit smoking, and am still sucking on hard candies or cough drops, so you're doing better than I am in that department!
Taking lots of meds can certainly affect weight loss! My weight loss has been very slow, I think because of all the meds I take.
Can you plan your meals and snacks, using the nutrition tracker, so you are staying within your calorie range each day?
I wish you the best, and congrats again on the not-smoking!!

Hugs, Leslie

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