Monday, June 06, 2011
Why does me time make me feel so guilty? Why does everything have to be set by priority and around others judgements of me? Last night I attended my oldest son's baseball game. I planned on leaving the game and heading to a local park to get at least a 3 mile walk in. At the game, my youngest son was tired and wanted to spend the night at my house (it was their dad's night). He always makes me feel guilty. I told him he could not because it was dad's night. They ended up going to their aunt's to swim. She did not have their floaties so I had to go home to get them. Of course by the time I got done doing the run around, my walk was out the door. The park closes at dusk. Instead I went to the grocery store. Then I felt bad for not doing any exercise all day. In the morning when I prefer to walk, I spent the morning out cleaning up the yard. Later, I chose instead to spend the day reading and working on a puzzle in between house work. When I was married, I had very little me time, went to completely zero after the children were born. Also spend the last years studying for the CPA exam. I missed out on reading, scrapbooking, cross stitching & putting together some puzzles. Therefore, on the kids' dad days I try to something that I enjoy that I have missed. But when the day is done, I feel like I wasted the day. Why is that? Why do I feel that if my house is not spotless that I am letting others down? Why do I let my kids make me feel guilty. I know they had an awesome time at their Aunt's house. She has an inground pool. She said they swam until about 9 pm last night. Why do I feel guilty today for working on a puzzle yesterday instead of walking or mopping the kitchen floor. I mean I got all of the laundry done, weeds pulled outside, edging done, the living room carpet shampooed and the grocery shopping done. I also got the bathroom completely put together after painting 2 weeks ago. Shouldn't that be considered a good day. If so, why does it not feel that way.
You might ask why I let it this get to me. Because guilt always makes me hungry & I eat. My counselor tells me I need to embrace it when I have set a small goal and meet it as getting the laundry done. Why is it so hard to do? Anyone else out there that beats themself up for not meeting some invisible standard out there set by others? I think mine started with my mom she is a neat freak. It is sad though, all I can ever remember from her is cleaning. She is 72 and still cannot relax until the cleaning is done. I DO NOT want to be like that. She never had any fun because she was always cleaning. Hers came about being the oldest girl of 9 kids.
Just really needed to vent that out.
Hope everyone has a great day.