Sunday, June 05, 2011
Wow, I had no idea it has been over a month since I have blogged! That is just unacceptable. Well as some of you know I have been working alot with my therapist and dietician again and I feel like things are moving in the right direction. I am really focused on not binging versus focusing on losing weight and that's what I need to do right now.
There's been alot of work at self-discovery lately. What do I like to do? What do I like to eat? What do I want to do in my spare time? I've realized that before 2007 (when I started this thing that I thought was going to lead me to a healthy lifestyle) my life was completely different. Yes I definitely had a weight problem but I was SO much happier than what I am now. I didn't spend my spare time thinking about food and planning out meals and wondering how I was going to get an extra workout because of the crap I ate. No, instead I was having fun with my friends and doing things that I enjoyed doing. Alot of that has gone away, and I want to bring it back.
When I started changing my life in 07, I changed my food and exercise at the same time. A year later I was binging. 3 years later I am still binging. What would have happened if I would have just changed my exercise. Would I have started losing weight? Would I have lost it as quickly as I did? Probably not, but I would have done it in a healthy way. At the time I didn't think what I was doing was unhealthy, and I'm still not sold that it completely was but my nutritionist seems to think so. She tells me every session that I am still in a restricting mind frame and I need to change things. And while I was REALLY against this when I started...after all...millions of Americans are doing this and they can't ALL be wrong right?? But I've decided, what's the worse that can happen? I'm already ruining my body by allowing these binges to occur and yo-yoing my weight dramatically on a weekly basis. I'm already spending all of my time thinking about food and exercise so that can't really get any worse. What could really be the worst thing that happened if I ate what I liked versus what I "should" eat?
So that's what I've been doing. I ate Pasta roni for the first time in years the past few weeks. Yes the processed box of food that is sitting on the shelves in the grocery store. You know what, it tastes good. I bought a non-lite or non-fat free salad dressing - gasp. I've enjoyed drinks with friends lately (maybe a little to much) instead of staying home because the thought of not being able to drink with them caused anxiety and stressed me out. I have at least one dessert every day...heck sometimes two or three.
But what's been great about all of this is that I'm making a concious choice to do all of this. I'm not buying this food and stuffing my face with it and going into a food coma. I know I'm not miraculously going to be over my binging in this short of a time...but it's getting better. And I now not only have hope that I'm going to conquer this thing, I know I am, and there's not a better feeling in the world.
Now I'm off to enjoy my Sunday by starting it out with a Turbokick class before heading to Grand Old Days where I am probably going to have some mini-donuts, a few beers, and a GREAT afternoon with my friends.