Saturday, June 04, 2011
I have spent a lot of time reflecting. Trying to figure out what is going on. It is hardly a mystery, it more comes down to how I have chosen to deal with things that are going on. Basically, it boils down to work. I enjoy my job. We have recently gone through a system conversion that basically automates the entire bank and more or less eliminated most of my job. I wasn't laid off, I still have plenty of work to do (people are always going to spend more money than they have!) but the bulk of what I was doing has been eliminated so everything is different, and new. I don't do well with change, but more so when it is out of my control. I am getting the hang of the new system, and once I am more familiar with it, I think I may actually start to like it. However, not all my co-workers feel the same and their negative attitudes are starting wear on me. I am a very emotional environment type person. I tend to absorb the vibe around me and it effects my own outlook and attitude. I have always been this way. If I am around happy, positive people, I will reflect that in my attitude and outlook. On the flip side, the same applies to negative people too. I am just getting really tired of being in this negative environment day in and day out. I do try very hard to keep work at work and my personal life in my personal life. Obviously, sometimes one crosses over into the other, but for the most part I try to keep them separate. Lately, I have been bringing the negativity home with me. It is such a drain that when I do get home, I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to cook supper. Which leaves me ravished by bedtime and I am hunting for, finding and stuffing my face with whatever I can find in the cupboards. Luckily, for me, I don't buy much 'junk' food anymore so I haven't been doing too much damage to myself, but I am also not moving forward. I have been feeling trapped, I guess. Trapped at a job that I am not happy at, but don't want to leave. Trapped by the negative environment that seems to be breeding inside that bank. Trapped by my own inaction to change my reactions to all of it. What it comes down to is this: We are in a period of adaptation and change. It will take some time. At the end I will either decide to stay or I will decide that I have gotten everything out of it that I can, and I will move on. I have to accept that reality. I also need to accept that I am letting the situation control me. I have started to revert back to my unhealthy dealing mechanisms (READ: Binge eating to avoid dealing with stress) and I need to get myself back together. Instead of using my healthy coping mechanisms, I am eating in order to mask the true issue. The issue is if I am not satisfied with my job, if I am truly unhappy, if I don't feel like I have anywhere to go within the company, I will have to leave. I will have to start over. That thought scares me. Terrifies me. Am I willing to remain because I am simply afraid to make the leap and change careers? I don't know. I am still young. There is no reason to fear change, other than the fact that I will have to start over. I am also willing to put in my time, work my way up, and try to advance. I would like to become an officer. Unfortunately, it is the kind of place that unless someone retires, you aren't going anywhere, especially up...
Now that you have worked your way through the main issue with me, let's find something to DO about it. I have been focusing so much lately on what ISN'T happening that I am making no effort to make ANYTHING happen. I have not allowed myself a single moment to savor and appreciate what I have done in the last couple of months. I have lost 100 pounds. (I am avoiding the 4 lbs I have put back on because of the above issues, because once I get through this, they will be gone again!) ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. That is INSANE for me to wrap my head around. And I did it myself. Matthew and I were watching the Biggest Loser Finale and they were going through all the people who go sent home and the people who lost 60, 70, 80 lbs while they were on the Ranch, and Matthew looks over at me and says "And you did that, and more, at home with out trainers or cooks or fancy gyms." He said it so matter-of-factly that I was caught a bit off guard. You know what? He's absolutely right. I did. I have. And I will continue to do it. I will. I just have to get back to basics.
I ran a Half Marathon. Me. I did that. And I will do it again. And again. And again. I am a runner. I am an athlete. I need to start treating myself as such. I need to be making better choices in the foods I eat. I need to drink more water than I have been. I need to strengthen my body. Here is why: I have at least one 5K race every month in 2011. Sometimes 2. Matthew has started running too. He has done 3 races so far and will be doing each of the remaining ones as well. We will also both be running the Quad Cities Marathon (Half Marathon for us) in September. Then in October I have my sister's wedding and the 2 more Half Marathons. February bring Princess in WDW, and then Matthew and I have decided to seriously start trying for Baby #2. As you can see there is a lot happening in the next year, and my mind has to be in the right place for this to go right. And right now, its just not there. It will be.
I am going back on my program. Enough of this. Enough. I am done. I am done wallowing in misery. I am done being stagnant. I am done doing just enough. I am done. I am going back on the wagon. Hell, I will push the damn thing if I have to, but it will get going in the right direction again. Like, I said, back to basics. Food Log is opening up again. My food scale is being dusted off. No more 'eyeballing' measurements. Portion size will be reigned in again. Snacking will be kept under control. H2O consumption will increase, and coffee consumption will decrease. I will run 3 times a week. Each running session will be 5K at LEAST and one session will be a Long Training Run. I will go to Zumba at least once a week (twice when my work schedule allows). And I will do strength training 3 times a week. I will do core work everyday to help with my running.
When it is all written out, it seems like a lot, but this is what I was doing that got me to 100 pounds lost in the first place. This is what will get me through. Hang on, Sparklers, we are back on the road! I am back, and I am better, and I am done being a victim to my circumstances. This is it. Change is in the air, and Damn, does it smell good!