Thursday, June 02, 2011
So I'm getting my inspiration for June from:
A) My Spark Friends that never let me fall too low before dragging me back up.
B) "Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles
C) The never-ending desire to see POUNDS LOST on the scale - FO REALZ, YO!
I have literally spent the past week trying to figure out my June plan and finding myself feeling lost. Where do I go now? I'm not exactly injured anymore and I know how to keep up on my therapy on my back. I have been released for full exercise again. So what's holding me back? Oh, yeah....fear. Nasty little "F" word.
The truth came to me in pieces.
This morning on the way to work, this song popped up on my iPhone. I knew I would like this song the minute I downloaded the album and listened to it for the first time, but it's taking on a whole different meaning now.
My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
like anything I've ever felt before,
This is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted..."
It's true. First of all, this injury hit me and ...well, it's like I didn't know what hit me. I've always been "unable" - at least most of my life I've viewed myself that way. I was the fat girl, the funny girl - I was NOT the athlete. And, for as long as I can remember, no one even asked it of me. In school when we did President's Day challenges, they encouraged me to cheat and just cheered that I had even tried. My gym teachers automatically provided runners for me in softball and kickball. It was just accepted that I was fat and couldn't move and they shouldn't make me "feel bad" by forcing me to try. Sad, right?
This past year I've discovered this highly athletic side of myself...a side that I gave in and hid because no one seemed to want to see it. Truth is, I've always had an interest in playing sports and competing athletically. Why else did I spend hours reading about sports, dreaming of doing them, watching them on TV. Maybe...perhaps... (Ah-HA moment incoming!) I was an athlete all along - I just never got to show myself that side of me. But this past year I stopped letting my weight be my excuse. It was the excuse others gave me as I grew up, and I accepted it because I didn't think fighting would help -- I told myself I would probably suck at anything I tried anyhow. But, no, last year I said, "No more! Do not let their justifications become your lifelong excuses!"
I've always wondered why I wasn't what they thought I was. When I was 14 or so my family joined a gym. Everyone hated going after a while but me. I loved it. I absolutely 100% thrilled in it. And while they stuck to the bike and treadmill, I wanted to lift weights and I had some uncanny love for the stairstepper and rowing machines. For some reason, though, I never took that feeling into account - I figured I was just a freak, I was fooling myself. No one LOVES the stairstepper! Everyone lasts about 5 minutes on the rowing machine and they loathe it! No one ROWS for fun! I never considered there was any different way to think - I just considered myself a freak.
So, my point (and, yes, I'm coming to it) is that last year I finally started to accept myself as an athletic person. And I was having a blast discovering that side of myself. And then I got hurt - and the excuses came back as my inability to do what I was doing before faded because my body was a little messed up. Not one doctor I saw told me "this happened because you're fat" but I told myself that over and over and over again. And I began, once again, to loathe myself. I told myself I was a joke. I wasn't an athlete. I was a fat, lazy 320 pound woman who had been fooling herself for a little while. It broke more than my spirit and heart - it broke my drive and motivation to do anything more or dream again.
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me
Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want - uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted..."
And that's kinda how I'm feeling about June. It's why I couldn't make a plan. I feel like this is "crash and burn" time - "all or nothing" - even though I've always told myself not to be that way. I NEED to be that way right now. And I need the flexibility of a plan that can change and morph and change shape because I have NO CLUE what my body's ready for. I've convinced myself that I'll fail everytime I try C25k because both times have ended in injury. I've convinced myself that I can't do what I did before because it made me hurt. But no doctor told me that -- it's the ceiling I've build for myself.
So, yeah, I'm out of foolproof ideas. I have no guarantee that whatever I try this month will work - but I have to try to do something. I have to be willing to fail and adjust. I have to learn to let my body lead me. I can make all the plans in the world, but I have to recognize where the threshold is and when it's okay to push it and when I should back off.
Too long I've looked to others for guidance. And I lost 150 pounds that way, so it's not a bad way to go, but what I'm experiencing now feels so new, so different, and I feel like *I* need to figure this thing out for myself instead of following every plan that's given to me. I need to set my own rules and make my own way instead of following everyone else. It's time for me to blaze the trail and make my own path.
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault
But I'm so low
Never knew how much I didn't know
And everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare..."
So, yes. I've felt broken for a while now. It's really nobody's fault. This has been some serious business, this getting to know yourself. When you're fat and people make excuses and assumptions and you eventually come to believe them, you let go of who you really are and take up who they think you are and then you're completely lost. And coming out of that drunken stupor of my life in the past year has been a crazy experience. I feel like I don't know myself. I feel like no one understands. I feel lonely and alone and it's not everyone's fault that I'm changing and becoming a different person from the person they got to know upfront. I'm lucky they've stuck it out as long as they have, but I can't sit here and continue to pretend that I am what they thought I was. It's not that I'm becoming a new person, it's that I'm allowing myself to be myself again...something I haven't done since childhood.
"Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.
I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out
Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere"
And that's what I want for June. I'm going to give myself the electric shock that my heart needs to restart. I need to remind myself that it is OKAY that I'm discovering myself - the good and the bad. There are parts of myself I thought would pass away, the parts I didn't want, but some of them are a part of me --- AND THAT IS OKAY.
One thing I've learned, though, is that waiting for others to point me in the right direction leaves me sitting in a dark corner waiting forever. I need to forge ahead on my own and allow myself to make the mistakes I'm going to make - whatever they may be. Each day I stumble is a day I get closer to stable footing. Every mistake a lesson learned. And I'm not putting myself on a time limit.
June is about letting go, letting be, and letting myself become.
Some things I might like to do this month:
* I want to get better at Yoga. I want to incorporate at least 1 new "advanced" move a week, even if I can't even really do it - just to try.
* I'm going back to C25k. Going to try to start around week 3.
* I just bought myself a ticket to the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert on June 16th. Note - I bought MYSELF a ticket. There were only singles left so this was a good excuse to let myself be alone and allow myself this treat for myself, to myself, as repayment for all the hours of work I've put in.
* I want to keep up my ST at LEAST 3 days a week, shooting for 4.
* I want to get at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day this month (except yesterday, because I cannot change the past).
* I'm going back to Zumba and want to do it 2x a week as soon as my instructor returns from vacation next week. I should end up with 5 full classes before the month is out. (minus a week for a possible vacation and the night of my concert).
* And, if I do end up at the beach, I want to run barefoot on the sand. I've always wanted to know what that felt like and even if I have to wait until late or get up super early, I want to give myself the reward of living that dream - even if I only make it 10 steps before collapsing!
* I'm going back to healthy meals at home. No eating out any more than 2 times a week. 4 times on vacation.
* And, finally, get back to 4-7 fresh freggies every day. Not this "there's fruit in my yogurt" and "there was lettuce on my burger" BS. REAL fruit and REAL veggies.
* I want to row on the lake at least once or twice and I'd like to take at least one more hike.
Wish me luck! I have no clue what's on this corner of the map, but I'm ready to start exploring.