Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Is it time for confessions? I think it is time for confessing. Itís time to be done with this self-pity party I have been holding for myself. Quite frankly I am tired of it. I have been in a funk for quite some time. So much so that I feel that I have gone backwards, mentally. I am going to put all of it out of my brain so that I am not holding on to it anymore. It is getting too heavy and weighing me down. More than that, it is dragging me down and I am tired of carrying it. I feel like lately, there is negativity everywhere around me. Surrounding me and crushing me. I know my perception is tainted by what is going on in my head. I feel like I am back at the beginning of my journey. When I believed that I wasnít good enough. When I believed I was a failure, and only expected that much from me. Do you know what I see when I look at me, even now? Fat. I look at me and I see the Me from a year ago. I feel like a failure. I feel lost. My job has been turned on its head. I havenít been running. I feel like everyone around me is pointing out, on an almost daily basis, what I am doing wrong. I'm wasting my time at my job. I don't spend enough time with my son. I ran this ticket wrong. You didn't print out that report I needed. This deposit went into the wrong account. You shouldn't have eaten that. You should work out more. Itís wearing on me to the point that those bad voices are back in my head telling me what a failure i am. I have picked up the message from everyone around me that i have fallen back into old habits (read: eating to hide from/soothe/smother all feeling so I donít have to deal with anything), and now all those negative thoughts are back in my head. The ones that had me feeling worthless and had me curled up on the kitchen floor believing that I wasn't good enough for anyone. It is a constant, daily battle to keep myself from falling apart. Sometimes if I think about it, try to deal with these feelings, I lose my grip on the small amount of control I have that IS holding me together. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. I guess I don't have to be 300 lbs to feel like a big, fat failure. People give me compliments on how well I am doing, and inside i am screaming, "If you only knew!!!" If you only knew the truth. That the outside doesn't reflect the inside. Those voices are back, and I have been listening. I am not tracking my food anymore. I basically have been eating what I want when I want, and when I donít. I canít say that I donít care anymore, because I do, otherwise I wouldnít still be running or going to Zumba whenever I can get there. I just canít get myself to put in that last little kick of effort that I know that I need. It is that lack of push that keeps me from breaking this plateau I have been on for about 5 months now. It keeps me in place and keeps from moving forward. I can hear people tell me how good I am doing, and how great I look, but I donít believe them. I donít allow myself to believe them because when I look at me I see that Fat Girl again. I thought I had put her to rest. I thought I had moved past her and forward into my new life. I guess I got too comfortable because when I wasnít looking she appeared again. She stands there and judges. Judges the loose skin, the flabby arms, the extra padding on my hips and rear end. She doesnít see what other people see. She sees how far I still have to go, not how far I have come. She blocks my brain from remembering how to move past her vision of me into what is actually there. It used to be, not so long ago, that I could look at a picture and see how far I have come, and now, I see what she seesÖfailure. Failure to complete what I have started. Failure that I am staying at a job that I am pretty sure is going nowhere. Failure at pretty much everything I have ever tried to do. Does this seem a bit extreme? Yeah, part of me agrees, but part of me thinks that it makes perfect sense. It isnít all sunshine and roses. It isnít always races run, and weights lifted. Sometimes it is struggles and questions. Sometimes its doubts and fears. Sometimes it is feeling lost and desperately wanting, needing to find your way back to the right path. Sometimes you have to admit, not only to yourself, but to others, that you canít find your way back on your ownÖ Sometimes you have to quit whining and DO SOMETHING about it.