Tuesday, May 31, 2011
i drew a picture of what i want sometime in the near future.
wow. it has been more than a year since i have blogged. in that year, i have lost 5 pounds and gained it all back, gained 4 more pounds, and then went to spain and lost 10 pounds, which i am currently trying to stave off moving back in the other direction! i don't like to show a year in pounds, but it is an important part of my life. when i weigh a lot i don't feel good and it affects other things in my life. sure, the numbers don't matter, but they can sure be motivating.
there was a message post a couple of years ago on sparkpeople that i have never forgotten. it was titled "the cookies just jumped into my mouth!" and that is exactly what happened to me today. i was doing really well on my calorie intake and my water and everything, until after dinner when the double oatmeal cookies were begging me to eat them. it was my tummy against my reasoning, and you know what? my tummy won. oh my tummy! i wish we were more on the same page sometimes... so now that i am sitting here, unmotivated, trying to write some essays, you are hanging over my pants and my whole body is saying "help me, i'm being weighed down my tummy!" but the damage has been done; damage that can only be fixed by starting again tomorrow and learning from my mistakes today.
i want to be healthier! i want to feel the way i felt a month ago and not the way i do now, six pounds heavier! i want to see what it's like to not be the fattest person in my family and to want to like my body enough to actually trust another person to think i'm attractive. mostly, i want to be free. i try not to look at things negatively. i can deal with being the way i am now; i've been doing it my whole adult life. but i want to love my body, not deal with it. i can do this; i will do this; and my tummy will be a lot smaller by the end of this journey, without sucking in!
anyway, tomorrow is a new day everyone and it's beautiful.