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Scared - to be or not to be?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

At the age of five I was diagnosed with an aortic stenosis, a narrowing of the aortic artery. I attended hospital on a regular basis for different tests and as it was always dealt with in such a matter of fact manner it has never worried me. Growing up with it was no different to having a knee or an elbow. It didn't affect my life at all.

Although I started my Spark journey some time ago it wasn't until fairly recently that it finally dawned on me that I needed too make a real commitment to myself in order to achieve my goals, one of which was fitness. This past winter has been long and dark, with a new boss at work, lots to do I found that even getting out for a walk became almost impossible. I was often out of the house for twelve hour days and found myself coming home, eating and going to bed. Consequently it wasn't until the lighter days and evenings arrived that I finally managed to get into more of a routine of walking with my dogs.

I started fairly sensibly walking at a steady rate for an hour covering approximately three miles. It wasn't long before I began to feel some chest pains, nothing too serious and nor did it stop me walking but I soon realised that it started at about three quarters of a mile and lasted for anything from a few minutes to about fifteen minutes. I kept ignoring it especially as I couldn't decide if it was real or if I was imagining it (yes my mind does work in mysterious ways, lol) and then I went to the surgery nurse for an injection and my blood pressure was high, definitely not normal for me. She asked how I had been and I told her about the pains I had been getting, she then suggested she carry out an ECG and for me to see my doctor. As a consequence of this I had to see my specialist this week on thursday and that is what leads me to my dilemma.

He is not worried but has ordered a blood test, an echogram and a CT scan, which makes me think he is concerned. He says there is a possibility that I have furring of the arteries but he's not worried. I am not allowed to go the gym nor exert myself...............but he's not worried! I have had my blood test and this morning the appointment arrived for my echogram but he's not worried. I've never had an appointment come through that quickly.

So I am worried, there are heart problems within the family, angina, high blood pressure, heart attacks and I have a cousin who had a quadruple bypass at fortyish. I've been eating the most horrendous crap which isn't going to help the situation at all and isn't making me feel any better either but I can't seem to help myself. I'm trying not to cry at the drop of a hat but it's not easy.

The voice inside my head is having an argument as to whether or not I should be scared and neither side is winning. Normally I'd get my boots on and go for a long walk to clear my head but now I'm scared even to do that! To top it all off it's half term at school this week and I have the week off........plenty of time to sit and think............to be or not to be...........that certainly is the question.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    First I would like to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Stress and worry about real or perceived issues is still stress! I hope the doctor can put your mind at ease soon.

    Now about eating the horrendous food. We always hear that everything in moderation is okay. I believe this is true for people that aren't food addicts. I know for myself if I eat one twinkie or candy bar I fall off a cliff and it's a major struggle to get back on track.

    I have also heard someone say that what if that twinkie that you just ate was THE ONE that caused your artery to clog up...the last straw so to speak...

    "Genetics load the gun but lifestyle pulls the trigger." This is a favorite quote of mine from my Weight Watcher days.

    I know the all or nothing attitude about food is why most of us are here on Spark today. When I am about to eat crappy food or when I get envious of my co-workers eating fatty foods (apparently without a care in the world) I try to think..."Is that the meal that will cause them to have a heart attack? or diabetes? etc...

    This may be a harsh way to think about food but I only think this way about unhealthy food. When I know I can't exercise I make sure to eat to the low end of my calories AND I fill up on healthy high fiber foods so I don't feel deprived.

    This journey has been hard and at times it has seemed pointless but I would not trade a minute of it. I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life and I am the healthiest member of ALL of my family.

    I hope you don't find any of this offensive. This is just how I think and deal with my own food issues.

    I know you can do this!

    2485 days ago
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