Friday, May 27, 2011
I received such an outpouring of love this past week when I had to say farewell to my daddy after assisting him these past 7 years after we lost mom.
( I hate that expression - always makes me think I took Mom to the mall and lost her! )
My dad despised fat. I cannot remember a time that he didn't harangue me for my weight; me and mama both. I felt unworthy for most of my childhood and felt I was undesirable as a mate.
7 years ago my father's only brother came to visit and as I sat there in disbelief I heard him utter these words to my dad, "you were so fat as a child, Paul." I thought to myself, "well crap!"
3 years ago I discovered I am the only sibling to share type A+ blood with Dad - we are chock full of platelets! Thick blood!! Stroke & Heart Attack People!! I returned to SparkPeople and worked the program with a vengeance.
How many times my dad said, "you won't do it; you can't do it" and I always replied - "wait for it!" My dad saw me reach 175, 150, 125 and finally 115 in amazement. How can it be that I was having to eat so much to lose weight he would tell people. He'd shake his head and brag on me to anyone foolish enough to sit and listen, lol. It turned him around.
I remember telling him 7 years ago that a thin person could not take better care of him than the fat person I was. I had accepted myself and if being fat was the worst people can say of me, I was "good to go!!"
I cannot hate my father for handling my weight problem the way he did - he didn't know any better. But now I can understand that he too suffered for his being pudgy - he wasn't even fat!, just a little pudgy - and at 82 years of age he was still being reminded of it. More's the pity.
I just didn't want anyone to think my daddy had abused me - it was 'only' mental abuse about my size. But I am a bigger person for it ( sorry, couldn't resist ) and I understand now. He was proud of me for losing all this weight - but he was proud of me for more important things than my outer shell - he was proud that I could be a caring child assisting him daily but still allowing him his independence and his pride.
**I really do understand - I actually felt sorry for my dad when I realized he had been abused verbally. This brave man who suffered antisemitism while fighting to keep this great country free in WWII - who was shot in action but refused to report it or put in for the Purple Heart because he simply couldn't accept a medal for living while so many of his buddies died - really was just trying to help me/us. We all know that doesn't work, only makes it worse, but he did the best he could. As hurt as I ever was, he never failed to show his undying love - it just came with a price. Life is like that, life isn't fair and we're not all goddesses & Adonis's on the outside - but we all have the capacity to be goddesses & Adonis's on the inside!