Friday, May 27, 2011
I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to bitch about my life. But it looks like I'm about to break that promise.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't fix something that has broken. Sometimes there's just too many pieces to make it whole and sometimes parts of it get lost forever. But that isn't the case for me. This time the broken pieces refuse to fit together.
You know when you are putting together a puzzle and you just know that piece goes there but it doesn't quite fit so you push harder and it kinda snaps in there but not like the rest of the pieces did? That's exactly how I feel right now. And the puzzle just happens to be my marriage.
What is it that finally causes a divorce? Is it when two people can't stop fighting long enough to be in love? Or is it like a war and one side just completely loses their will to fight anymore? How do you know it's really over or is it ever really over? Does it end when you finally see that they lied through their teeth when they promised everything they did to make you say, "I do." Or does it end when you finally see that those two pieces of the puzzle you thought you figured out in the beginning are actually miles away from each other in the big picture?
I didn't know there was such thing as a silent sob until now. Not that it would matter if he heard my cries. It's not like he'd come to comfort me anyway. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I take a deep breath a little tear still slips down my cheek. I've never felt this kind of misery before. Sometimes I think I stay here just to punish myself. Other times I wonder what would happen if I silently slipped out the door tonight. When would he realize I was gone? What would he do without me? I know one thing that he wouldn't do for sure. I know he wouldn't think about what he did to make this happen. No, he would blame anyone but himself.
I want so badly to go into our room and tell him how much my heart aches right now. It would only lead to fight that would end with me apologizing and agreeing to whatever terms he comes up with. I know fights aren't about winning or losing but by the time we've fought for 2 hours, I don't really care anymore and so I let him have is way. I'm pretty sure he plans it that way, too. Talking about my feelings has gotten me nowhere but curled in a ball of my own miserable tears wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. Things didn't used to be this way. In the beginning, we talked about how we felt and about how we could fix things for each other. Now, it's just about him, his feelings, his wants, and his needs. My feelings are nags, stupid, or cries for attention.
For the past six months, he been nothing like what a husband should be. It's like he just up and decided since we are married he doesn't have to try anymore. Every chore in this house falls on my shoulders or it doesn't get done. If I ask him do anything he promises do it later. In this case, later never comes. I get tired of fighting with it and take care of it myself.
Since we are going on a trip, there were a lot of things that needed to get done today because it is my only day off.
*Clean the house
*Clean the neighbors house (my 2nd "job")
*Visit my parents-help them.
*Give dog a bath
*Fix car air conditioner
I got everything on my list done except:
*Giving the dog a bath
*Fixing car air conditioner (Don't even know how so that would fall to him anyhow)
*and Laundry (Since we aren't leaving until Sunday, I figured there would end up being more clothes by then so I though I'd do it a little closer to time)
I didn't get help with anything I had to do. He had to work in the evening so before work he played his games while I cleaned two houses. At my parents house I cleaned my car but i didn't do laundry. When I got home, no one said thank you for the things I did. Instead, he complained about the clothes not being done. It's like if I didn't get to something either because I just didn't feel like doing it or because I didn't have time, it's a horrible sin. However, if he doesn't do something (fix the car AC) well he just didn't have time and it should be over looked. If I try to speculate things like this all that happens is a big fight. So I've learned to keep my mouth shut.
These are my raw thoughts and feelings. They should be heard and understood. They should be taken care of the moment they fall from my lips. Instead, I'm forced to trap them inside a breaking dam. But if we can't talk to each other, what do we really have left? I know the answer to that question and I know I should bite the bullet, stand my ground, and fight for myself. I should go into the bedroom right now and present my heart but I know I'll leave that room licking my wounds. Besides, what could I say that hasn't already been said 50,000 times before?