I've found myself fighting in a war I never wanted to fight.
Friday, May 27, 2011
I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to bitch about my life. But it looks like I'm about to break that promise.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't fix something that has broken. Sometimes there's just too many pieces to make it whole and sometimes parts of it get lost forever. But that isn't the case for me. This time the broken pieces refuse to fit together.
You know when you are putting together a puzzle and you just know that piece goes there but it doesn't quite fit so you push harder and it kinda snaps in there but not like the rest of the pieces did? That's exactly how I feel right now. And the puzzle just happens to be my marriage.
What is it that finally causes a divorce? Is it when two people can't stop fighting long enough to be in love? Or is it like a war and one side just completely loses their will to fight anymore? How do you know it's really over or is it ever really over? Does it end when you finally see that they lied through their teeth when they promised everything they did to make you say, "I do." Or does it end when you finally see that those two pieces of the puzzle you thought you figured out in the beginning are actually miles away from each other in the big picture?
I didn't know there was such thing as a silent sob until now. Not that it would matter if he heard my cries. It's not like he'd come to comfort me anyway. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I take a deep breath a little tear still slips down my cheek. I've never felt this kind of misery before. Sometimes I think I stay here just to punish myself. Other times I wonder what would happen if I silently slipped out the door tonight. When would he realize I was gone? What would he do without me? I know one thing that he wouldn't do for sure. I know he wouldn't think about what he did to make this happen. No, he would blame anyone but himself.
I want so badly to go into our room and tell him how much my heart aches right now. It would only lead to fight that would end with me apologizing and agreeing to whatever terms he comes up with. I know fights aren't about winning or losing but by the time we've fought for 2 hours, I don't really care anymore and so I let him have is way. I'm pretty sure he plans it that way, too. Talking about my feelings has gotten me nowhere but curled in a ball of my own miserable tears wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. Things didn't used to be this way. In the beginning, we talked about how we felt and about how we could fix things for each other. Now, it's just about him, his feelings, his wants, and his needs. My feelings are nags, stupid, or cries for attention.
For the past six months, he been nothing like what a husband should be. It's like he just up and decided since we are married he doesn't have to try anymore. Every chore in this house falls on my shoulders or it doesn't get done. If I ask him do anything he promises do it later. In this case, later never comes. I get tired of fighting with it and take care of it myself.
Since we are going on a trip, there were a lot of things that needed to get done today because it is my only day off.
*Clean the house
*Clean the neighbors house (my 2nd "job")
*Visit my parents-help them.
*Give dog a bath
*Fix car air conditioner
I got everything on my list done except:
*Giving the dog a bath
*Fixing car air conditioner (Don't even know how so that would fall to him anyhow)
*and Laundry (Since we aren't leaving until Sunday, I figured there would end up being more clothes by then so I though I'd do it a little closer to time)
I didn't get help with anything I had to do. He had to work in the evening so before work he played his games while I cleaned two houses. At my parents house I cleaned my car but i didn't do laundry. When I got home, no one said thank you for the things I did. Instead, he complained about the clothes not being done. It's like if I didn't get to something either because I just didn't feel like doing it or because I didn't have time, it's a horrible sin. However, if he doesn't do something (fix the car AC) well he just didn't have time and it should be over looked. If I try to speculate things like this all that happens is a big fight. So I've learned to keep my mouth shut.
These are my raw thoughts and feelings. They should be heard and understood. They should be taken care of the moment they fall from my lips. Instead, I'm forced to trap them inside a breaking dam. But if we can't talk to each other, what do we really have left? I know the answer to that question and I know I should bite the bullet, stand my ground, and fight for myself. I should go into the bedroom right now and present my heart but I know I'll leave that room licking my wounds. Besides, what could I say that hasn't already been said 50,000 times before?
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P.S. (As if I haven't talked enough already.) Please don't feel badly about "using [your] blog to bitch about [your] life." That's what it is here for. There are so many things that affect our efforts to reach our goals - weight loss or otherwise. To pretend one huge thing like an emotionally devastating marriage doesn't exist will not help you reach your health goals.
2098 days ago
2098 days ago
Wow, I am so sorry for your hurt. I have asked myself many of the same questions before. The answers that have worked for me may not work for you, but maybe if I share them, they can encourage you or stimulate ideas of other things you can try (if you haven't already).
*The first, and probably most important, thing I have done that has made a difference in (and honestly, probably saved) my marriage is a book called "They Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It is not pie-in-the-sky by any means. She too was about to leave her husband and struggled greatly to learn how to pray for the husband who wounded her so badly. After several years of prayer, I have been fortunate to join a Praying Wives group and this was the first book we went through. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy for ANY of us. It was worth it for ALL of us though.
*My Praying Wives group eventually led to them recognizing and sharing with me that I am codependent. I didn't believe them, but like I always do when I have a problem, I got a book (this time on CD). This one was "Codependent No More," but I don't remember the author. I didn't get much out of it, but she did convince me that I am indeed codependent. Your blog leads me to believe you also struggle with this relationship issue. Don't feel bad, it's not uncommon at all! I went to one counseling session (because I can't afford more) and learned that not only am I codependent, I began this style of relating YEARS before I met my husband. I am learning to address my codependent behaviors separate from his behaviors.
*One of the books I have used a little bit is "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Thompson.
*I also read a couple books by Michele Weiner-Davis. I can't emphasize enough how much I highly recommend her work. This is not religious material in any way; it is all evidence-based, and is a practical approach to behaviors you can adopt to change your marriage. If YOU change YOUR behaviors, (not saying you are a bad person, but you may have unhealthy relational habits or your relationship may be stuck in painful ruts) it will automatically change your relationship and his behaviors. Not a promise that his behavior changes will necessarily be good, but if you have made a move to healthier behaviors and he reacts negatively, this is not your fault. You have done what you could. Marianne Williamson's books taught me a lot about this philosophy. I definitely recommend her work, although I do not subscribe to her religious beliefs.
*I was fortunate enough to learn to be a PREP (divorce Prevention and Relationship Enhancement, see their website at www.prepinc.com) instructor. This awesome, evidence-based program is something we teach hardened felons in the prisons. I can tell you the things we have learned in this program has made a difference in the relationships of those of us who have learned to be instructors, in how offenders relate to other offenders, how offenders relate to staff, and how offenders and their significant others relate to each other. Because this program has worked not only in my difficult marriage but has also made significant differences for many people in this high-risk population, I believe it has the potential to help anyone who is willing to put forth the effort to try it. It never promises to solve everyone's marriage problems, but what you learn can help you in your other relationships (kids, parents, friends, coworkers). I know he seems to be the bulk of your problems (TRUST ME, I know this! I have a self-centered, childish, temperamental, emotionally abusive husband also), but if you can learn to address your wounds and your enabling behaviors, this can strengthen you whether your marriage survives or not. But there is hope your marriage could survive - even thrive, believe it or not - and if it doesn't, you'll know you did everything you could.
*Next to learning to pray for my husband, the most difficult thing I have learned is to change my attitude toward his sexual gratification. I know how emotionally painful this is and how angry it makes you want to be to think about jacking him off when he is such a jerk (sorry, I hope you don't mind me being crass, but desperate marriages need down-and-dirty [no pun intended] help), but I have found that helping my husband in this manner has often helped him have a calmer demeanor. It has also helped him be more loving to me (John Gray talks in one of his books about how giving your spouse what he wants naturally leads him to giving you what you want, although it took me years to finally see what he was talking about) and has led him to be a little less selfish in lovemaking. The Power of a Praying Wife helped me greatly in this area too.
I'm sorry this has been such a long answer, but I have spent years and tears seeking relief from the pain of our difficult marriage. We have come to a pretty happy place, although there are many things about him that still leave me wanting. I have had to learn to let many (many, many) things go. I have had to learn to change my attitudes and behaviors. I have had to learn to stand up for myself in healthy, productive ways instead of ways that led nowhere except me crying out alone in my bedroom. I know it's tough to think about working through so many issues and it taking years, but it has been worth it. If I would have left him, I would have taken my unhealthy behaviors to my next relationship. Now we have something special that reflects the growing and changing we have both done, and are still doing. We don't have kids, so this has probably made it easier for us. If kids are involved though, I think it makes it even more important to seek help (books, counseling, relationship enhancement programs, whatever it takes) to save your marriage. There is no shame in needing help of any kind. When we are sick, we go to a doctor. Your marriage is sick and hurting, you need to find help wherever is most appropriate for you. The first thing you have to accept is that because you are the one who cares, you are the one that will have to make the first (and probably the most) move(s) toward healing. Again, your steps toward healing may not save your marriage, but you will have peace knowing you did all you could. Right now, I am sure you have done all you know to do. Now is the time to learn to do something new.
My heart goes out to you. Sending you a million hugs, sister!
2098 days ago
I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. While I haven't pondered divorce, I do know how it feels to work your butt off and not only not be thanked, but be criticized for what you didn't do. (At my house this usually ends with me getting pissy and reminding the person that they can do it themselves or shut up)
HUGS. Lots of hugs.
2098 days ago
Been there. Finally got out after the kids grew up, and I will tell you, there IS light at the end of the tunnel! Am I lonely? Sometimes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My adult children are beautiful, well-adjusted, and loving people. My husband and I get along much better now that we live apart, and I am so HAPPY not to have to answer every day to the demands and criticisms of someone who is innately unpleasable.
Hang in there. It can get better.
2098 days ago
Grieving about a divorce is as difficult as grief about a death. The wrenching heartbreak is similar, but you are left with a lack of confidence in yourself and a bitterness in your heart and a feeling of "what's wrong with me?"
It sounds like you are in the process of making difficult decisions about your relationship, and good for you for letting it out here. You are probably still sobbing to yourself, but we feel your pain and know this is a terribly difficult time for you.
I hope you are sharing your feelings with friends and family who love and support you because you will need it now more than ever. Have you tried marriage counseling? Wishing you courage and the best outcome for you. Sometimes we cannot see what is best for us until a long time after. May you be at peace.
2098 days ago
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