Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I know most people write about weight loss on these blogs but my overall goal of being on Spark is not to lose weight. I am rather trying to make myself more healthy both physically & mentally. So the tone of my blog may be a bit different.
I am doing my very best to stay as positive
as I can but I cannot express how incredibly frustrating
it is to know there's something seriously not okay with you (just not knowing exactly what).
I finally got in to see a Neurologist and it is yet to be determined as to why I had a seizure. (If you want to know the history of my situation, feel free to read my profile or other blog posts). The Neurologist is speculating at this point that it's either a) I have a very rare condition that causes me to seize only a couple times in my life or b) a form of epilepsy that causes me to seize only in my sleep. Pretty scary things to think about.
I am battling a couple of things in my head...
1. This is something I definately cannot control. Although, I am a FIRM believer that being good to your body (ie: eating well, excercising, taking care of yourself) does more good than harm. I'm also a VERY FIRM believer in POSITIVE THINKING!!! With all that in mind, at the end of the day- I can't stop these seizures from happening. I have no control over it and have to learn to not let my anxiety get the better of me...which leads me to my next point...
2. While I like to think I take pretty good care of myself- I do live alone. What if I seize again when I'm by myself? What if I hit my head again; only this time not being so lucky and really hurting myself? These are things that give me constant anxiety. That, and every time my eye twitches (which is usually due to being tired) I have a mini panic attack. I certainly don't want a condition I can't even control take control over me.
3. I have been offered medication which would guarantee (99.9%) that I won't seize BUT is the same grade they give to epileptic patients. Unfortunately, this medication has some side effects such as: dizziness, slowness, amplifies depression or moodiness (can make you snappy). These are all things I certainly do not want in my life. I have done extensive research via internet & books about this medication and it seems like pretty scary stuff. This is also coming from the girl who doesn't even like taking anything when I have a headache.
The decision of: peace of mind OR possibly altering my personality. What's a girl to do?