Monday, February 12, 2007
I don't even know where to begin this blog post. I am so discouraged, discouraged beyond belief actually. I had lost four pds in the first month i had signed on to SP and now i'm sure i've gained it all back and then some. I don't know for sure since i refuse to weigh right now. I'm afraid i'd eat everything in sight if i knew what i truly weigh now. I was doing so good. I don't understand what on earth is happening to me.
I just can't seem to get a handle on food. It rules me intead of the other way around. I live to eat for sure! I love my fast food, chocolate, etc etc. All the while i feel my health crumbling. You'd think that'd be incentive enough but guess not. I am having a hard time breathing, my hip hurts, my legs and feet ache. My back aches. I'm extremely tired day in and day out. I've stopped cleaning my home (and haven't in several months) due to no energy and difficulty breathing.
I pray my weight doesn't kill me first before i do something about it. I get so depressed when i go to do anything different, such as trying to change my lifestyle. I read in a book this weekend some of the reasons why people want to keep their weight on. I remember two of them really well since i about fell off my chair reading it. Some of the reasons he mentioned are: Afraid of possible failure, afraid of change, because if you lost weight you'd have nothing to complain about, and another good one but forget what it is now.
I want to lose this weight so badly, i want to feel better, not to mention look better, but i can't even get started! I don't want to be like this next year at this time for my 50th birthday. I've stopped exercising. I am an "all or nothing" person. So since i go to fast food, eat chocolate, etc, then why exercise?! Why can't i do this? Why can't i be normal?!
I have no answers, only tons of questions. They say the answers lie deep within a person, but NOT for me they don't. IF anyone is reading this, any advice would be welcomed. Please tell it to me like it is, or like you see it, don't worry about making me mad, i need to hear it straight. No more tip toeing around me. I pray i can take whatever you all have to say. I just don't know what else to do at this point so think that saying it to me straight, undiluted, is what i need to hear right now.
And the beat goes on...