Monday, May 09, 2011
I got a chance to spend some time really searching my soul and thinking. I always seem to do my best reflection in front of a campfire or in quiet woods. I pondered lots of things but the main thing that came to me over and over again is WHY???
Why am I stalled out in my weight loss?
Let me give you a little history.....
I was the kid growing up that lived his life a day late and a dollar short. I was out fishing the day God passed out good fortune. Basically, I was the fat kid that people just tolerated, never really had any level of self confidence, didnt date until late high school and even then, had to date someone who lived clear across town. I couldn’t buy a date in my own school. Lots of one sided crushes. I lived in a perpetual state of mediocrity. Below average. Spent a lot of time of the academic dis-honor roll due to my ADHD until I was properly medicated. That helped my self-esteem, I wasn’t good enough until I took a special pill…perfect.
I look at myself now. I was almost 400 lbs when I started this journey. It didn’t take much to see my need. When you have chest pains climbing stairs, when every least little exertion makes you gasp for breath and sweat profusely, when you really feel that you are eating yourself to death and hate yourself for it, its easy to be motivated to make a change for the sole purpose of saving my life.
Thank God that chapter of my life is closed forever. The tomb was sealed at the finish line of my first half marathon. Now to look forward.
I went from that disaster to recently running 15 miles, turning in a decent 5K time, and shaving 7 minutes off my typical 10K time. It would have been more if it was flat and fast. Confidence is high for a successful and fun half marathon next weekend, what could be better??? Losing 100lbs and living this way? I mean REALLY???
That’s THE problem. All I have ever known is average, good enough to get by. When your life is in the toilet, it’s easy to see your need to get back to a normal life.
***What if you see yourself as OK, Normal, or good enough? Where is the push?
Even still 60+ lbs overweight, if you were to compare apples to apples, I can probably leave a lot of guys puking trailside on a distance run if they were equal weight. Not because I’m fast, but because I have endurance. I feel I’m good enough and that is the problem.
I have never been driven by the pursuit of excellence because all I have ever known is average.
Enter the epiphany… I need to totally revamp my mindset. I am good enough in some areas but my weight holds me back from personal greatness. Before I continue, let me define personal greatness....
Personal greatness is NOT:
-An ego inflating experience
-Excessive obsession about personal performance.
To me, personal greatness IS:
-Commitment to excellence
-Never accepting anything less out of yourself than the very best of what you are capable of producing
-To live up to your personal potential, not your mental limitations.
I have only begun to touch the area of my definition of personal greatness. Now that my sense of danger is over, what will I reach for?
I always used to wonder what would motivate someone to train for the Ironman or a Marathon.. now I think I understand. Most people don’t. They think that people who do those things are crazy. These kinds of goals are what you do when good isnt good enough.
A life unchallenged is not worth living at all.
My weight and my attitude keep me trapped in the realm of good enough. There is a world of excellence that I am being held back from. Untrodden frontiers that may never be explored. I need to tap a whole new level of motivation, not running from danger but rather pushing myself to be my best. I might be able to get away with it and not gain but is that going to hold me back from knowing what it is like to have a great marathon time instead of just finishing..good enough…, to know that I am on par with the best. To be an athlete, to live in the realm where good isn’t going to get the job done.
To start expecting more out of myself simply because I am worth the effort. I am capable. I can be that athlete that raises money to fight cancer, the inspiration for someone else to make a change, to live on a whole new level.
Why not?, its my life and the only one that holds me back is me.