Saturday, May 07, 2011
I havenít blogged in quite a while. I didnít want to repeat the same stuff over and over again. I eat well, I lose weight, I binge, I gain weight. Repeat. The pattern of my life is so BORING. REALLY. If I look back at when all my eating issues started (age 14) and follow along my life until today it seems the overriding theme of my life has been about food/weight/diet obsession and thoughts. Iíve managed somehow during this time to have relationships, a job, make babies and parent them into children and teenagers, get married (twice but whose counting?), be a loving partner and by all accounts lead a full life. HOWEVER, I know the truth. On a daily basis my mood and my actions are determined by my relationship with food. Monumental events such as weddings, funerals, graduations--yep, there is still me thinking about what I should or shouldnít be eating. Some days I get outside my head and other days I simply canít. I wish there was a switch to turn off this preoccupation with all this ďstuffĒ. I want to LIVE my life and be fully present for the activities in which I engage. Even exercise, which makes me feel great--does it make me feel great just because itís invigorating or because combined with that in the back of my mind I know Iím burning calories? This is why I love Sparkpeople. I read all of your blogs everyday and realize Iím not the only one who feels this way. And, yes, there are moments in my life when Iím NOT thinking about food and weight. Even though I hit my goal last November and am now 9 pounds above it (again) I donít feel particularly bad about myself. In fact, Iím pretty happy with the way my body looks overall and I know Iím fit. So there is the progress. I thought the road to happiness was a number on a scale but Iím slowly ďgettingĒ it that itís more about that inner satisfaction and being strong, eating well for energy and not bouncing between binging and starving. Yes, it is a long road but where else can I go? Each day I have the opportunity to make the right choices again and remind (and re-remind) myself about what is truly important--and itís not found on a calorie or weight tracker, but found in the act of caring for myself. I care for others on a daily basis but I donít know that Iíve every TAKEN CARE (in a loving way) of myself. Hmmmmmm.