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This is a long road.....

Saturday, May 07, 2011

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I didn’t want to repeat the same stuff over and over again. I eat well, I lose weight, I binge, I gain weight. Repeat. The pattern of my life is so BORING. REALLY. If I look back at when all my eating issues started (age 14) and follow along my life until today it seems the overriding theme of my life has been about food/weight/diet obsession and thoughts. I’ve managed somehow during this time to have relationships, a job, make babies and parent them into children and teenagers, get married (twice but whose counting?), be a loving partner and by all accounts lead a full life. HOWEVER, I know the truth. On a daily basis my mood and my actions are determined by my relationship with food. Monumental events such as weddings, funerals, graduations--yep, there is still me thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be eating. Some days I get outside my head and other days I simply can’t. I wish there was a switch to turn off this preoccupation with all this “stuff”. I want to LIVE my life and be fully present for the activities in which I engage. Even exercise, which makes me feel great--does it make me feel great just because it’s invigorating or because combined with that in the back of my mind I know I’m burning calories? This is why I love Sparkpeople. I read all of your blogs everyday and realize I’m not the only one who feels this way. And, yes, there are moments in my life when I’m NOT thinking about food and weight. Even though I hit my goal last November and am now 9 pounds above it (again) I don’t feel particularly bad about myself. In fact, I’m pretty happy with the way my body looks overall and I know I’m fit. So there is the progress. I thought the road to happiness was a number on a scale but I’m slowly “getting” it that it’s more about that inner satisfaction and being strong, eating well for energy and not bouncing between binging and starving. Yes, it is a long road but where else can I go? Each day I have the opportunity to make the right choices again and remind (and re-remind) myself about what is truly important--and it’s not found on a calorie or weight tracker, but found in the act of caring for myself. I care for others on a daily basis but I don’t know that I’ve every TAKEN CARE (in a loving way) of myself. Hmmmmmm.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks for this blog - I loved it emoticon
    2456 days ago
    Right there with you! emoticon
    2469 days ago
    When living in the land of plenty, being pre-occupied with food and our weight is pretty easy to do. I can guarantee if there were war in your country or floods or earthquakes that destroyed your home, you would be pre-occupied with survival instead.
    Be thankful that you have peace surrounding you. Take up yoga to quiet your brain. Look in the mirror and recognize your beauty!
    We all have to work on it sister. You're not alone!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2505 days ago
    You are right- so many of us struggle with this (and for me, throw booze in the mix).
    Makes me think it's a cultural thing.
    Every time I am with a group of women (of any size) the talk turns to food, diets, and weight.
    And everyone makes self-disparaging remarks.
    When will we learn?

    2509 days ago
    Great blog! It's so great to see as you say that we are not alone in this... I too experience the yo-yoing and the day to day thinking around life events and how to deal. The great thing with SP is that it does help us as we recognize changes, make adjustments and best of all - learn from one another!

    Have a superb weekend!
    2509 days ago
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